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bonding with your baby...

6 replies

sophieMatilda · 10/05/2009 15:25

how many people out there know someone who took a while to bond with the newborn? Or who never did end up bonding?

I've suspected for most of my life that my mother didn't ever bond with me (all sorts of horrible circumstances conspired against it), but she has now come out and said it, in front of rellies and friends and me, as a way of explaining why I am such a loser in her eyes. Cue friends and rellies all very embarrassed, but one helpfully said "i believe it's quite common"!!!

Is it? I doubt it. Does anyone else have any experience of this? I'm kind of afraid of how this will affect my ability to bond with my on potential kids.

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cory · 10/05/2009 15:50

It is not uncommon for a mum to need time to bond with a newborn. Some take days, weeks, even months. It sometimes, sadly, happens that there is some permanent problem with the bonding.

What this does NOT mean is that you will not be able to bond with your baby when you have one. You are not your mum, her life is not your life.

Jacksmama · 10/05/2009 16:09

It is probably more common than most people realize, but not talked about much. I know two women who took some time to bond with their newborns because their labours were very traumatic. On the other hand, mine was, but I didn't have any difficulty bonding. I'm not sure what that proves.
One of the two women I know who had difficulty bonding doesn't like to talk about it because she believes it reflects shamefully on her. In her words, "what kind of a mother doesn't love her baby right away?". Well... I'd think, an extremely traumatized one (in her case), or one who may have addiction issues, or other problems. I'd think there are quite a number of good reasons.

BUT.

Your mother's inability to bond with you does not, in any way, reflect on you. I'm so sorry she seems to think "you're a loser in her eyes". How awful for you. Maybe her inability to bond with you prevents her from seeing your undoubtedly many lovely qualities. But that is not your fault. It is her skewed perspective. So if you can, please don't take on her view of yourself. How could you, as a tiny newborn baby, be at fault for her not being able to bond with you? You couldn't.

Neither does her failure to bond with me have any predictive value for your future children. In fact, if anything, you'll be more sensitive to your babies, when you have them, because you know what you've missed.

for you. Don't allow her to embarrass you like this. If it were me (and I realize you haven't asked for advice on how to respond but I am giving it anyway because I just realized I'm not just for you but also ), I'd say, "Mum, the fact that you couldn't bond with me, regardless of the circumstances, is not my fault. It reflects more on you than on me. I'm sorry you feel I'm a loser but you don't need to broadcast it in front of everyone, so please don't do it again."

Grrr.

Jacksmama · 10/05/2009 16:10

Errrr.... "her failure to bond with you"... not me... obviously...

No idea where that came from.

As you were.

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screamingabdab · 10/05/2009 18:46

Good post Jacksmama sophieMatilda I feel angry on your behalf that your mother has approached this subject in this way, and in front of other people.

GentlyDoesIt · 10/05/2009 19:00

sophieMatilda I expect your mother's outburst was horrible for you and left you spinning. I wonder though, if in a way it has given some relief to hear something you've always suspected stated so explicitly? Something similar happened to me and I found it finally gave me permission to stop the endless quest for a good relationship with that person.

As for bonding with your own kids - it took me 2 months to bond with DD and I confess that whenever something goes awry (this evening it's been a particularly tearful homework session) that is the first thing that pops into my head. I can't imagine ever holding it over my daughter, though. In my case the family skeletons didn't really start marching out of the cupboard until DD was about 3 years old though, which is when I started to piece things together. I have done a lot of work in therapy to address this - I wish the question had occurred to me before I became a parent, but that's the insidious thing about having a parent that doesn't actually value you - you can hide it from yourself for years.

I think that becoming a parent does lead you to re-experience your own most intimate experience of parenting, that is, the one that you experienced when you were a baby yourself. This doesn't mean that patterns will inevitably repeat - much can be done to change things.

ChocFudgeCake · 11/05/2009 23:38

With both my children the process of bonding started when I gave up breastfeeding and/or expressing and started to bottlefeed Of course there is a story behind this, but I wished I'd realised earlier.

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