When 1 child has all the luck..... (first child vs. second child)

[ErnestTheBavarian]

Basically ds1 seems to have all the luck, all the birthday party invitations, the extra cool present off granny etc

ds2 doesn't get the cool pressy or invite. They've been at this school for a year. Ds1 has had many invites, ds2 not a single 1.

I always feel bad for ds2, as he is very close (emotionally and in age) to ds1, yet external factors always seem to contribute to things working out great for ds1 & ds2 being left out.

Anyway, ds1 year is going on a residential trip with the school. 3 days away in the mountains. It is going to be great. Ds1 gets to go, obviously, ds2 doesn't and he is totally gutted, as I would be in his place.

But the boys are leaving the school in a month, so we can't even console ds2 by telling him he gets to go on the trip next year.

Yes, maybe in the new school ds2 also will get a trip, but we have said so many times before when you're in the next class/school/1 year older, you too will be able to do xyz. But a. that's not must consolation to an 8 year old boy, and b. it really doesn't seem to work out like that. What happens is it does seem to work out for ds1, but not for ds2.

I am pleased that ds1 is getting all this fun and opportunity, but genuinely feel really bad for ds2. It's the fact they're so close, they really are like twins. Ds3 obviously doesn't get all the invites, and also doesn't get to go on the trip, but that seems ok, there isn't the hurt and feeling of being left out - he's 4 years younger and genuinely isn't bothered.

How do parents of close siblings deal with this situation, and what can I do with poor ds2 when his brother gleefully goes off to the mountains? (as well as feeling very jealous and conspired against an left out, he will also miss his brother terribly).

I can only think of trying to create a very special trip just for DS2.

Gotta be good though - like a trip to the dry ski slope, or fishing or allowed to do a hike with a friend or camping in the back garden with one or two mates.

When DS1 comes home, he'll want to go do this special thing as well but you have to explain that no, he cannot because that was DS2's special thing, IYSWIM.

I had thought of doing something special, but ds1 school trip is mid week when ds2 will still have to go to school, so it would have to be at the weekend, but then ds1 will be there, so I'd have to pointedly leave him out which also seems tight, and also I have ds3 & baby dd, so difficult to do something extra nice for 1 kid with so many on tow.

Pls, it feels like sticking a little plaster over a much bigger problem, the fact that ds1 is 'goldenballs', and ds2 is more like a poor bystander watching his (only just) bigger brother getting everything first and all the fun and treats and good luck. I just feel so bad for ds2, it just never seems to go his way.

My middle brother would soooo sympathise with your DS2. There were three of us. Goldenballs was and still is, our name for number 1 brother. I was the youngest and a much longed for girl, so I got everything anyway. Number 2 brother, stuck in the middle, got nowt and even worse, he was the 'thick' one!

Bloody balanced adult though - better than me and eldest brother at taking everything in his stride!

As the youngest I always got left out a bit as a kid because my three older brothers were going off doing stuff and there wasn't enough time or money to cope with a fourth.

My mum and dad would take me out to the cinema as a treat though to make up for it, but what I eventually figured out was that I was getting so much more in terms of attention while at home, that they were going off doing stuff. Also that I was focused on more creative quiet things, and that this was pretty cool as well.

Your son will find his niche eventually, he may just be different to your other and that's no bad thing. Of course encourage him to make friends - how about a holiday club to bring him out a bit? But don't worry about it too much, remind him that when he's a bit bigger, he'll do these things, or that he might want to do different things and that's fine too

As parents, arent you able to intervene and distribute this luck a little more evenly?

Like, when there is a cool pressie from grandma, how do you deal with that? Do you just let it happen or do you have a quiet word with grandma that while ds1 is extatic with joy, ds2 is very upset?

We had to do this. We had to draw home the point to family members and friends who were lavishing ds1 with gifts by having a stack of cool gifts, and when ds1 was presented one by some aunti or grandma, we would whip out a cool gift for ds2 saying something like:

"Here lovey, dont be upset that YOU did not get something so cool from auntie/grandma, we have got you THIS"

It worked. Maybe it did not endear us to aunties and grandmas at the time, as they felt very ashamed. But now they are giving the kids equally cool presents.

The presents isn't a big problem thb, it's more that if there is a cool present to be had ds1 will get it first, then a few months later when it's ds2 b'day, he'll maybe also get a cool present, but the fact is, his brother's already been there, done it, got the t-shirt.

We try to tell him he'll get his turn, but as with this school trip, he quite clearly won't get his turn, not 3 days in the mountains with his friends from this school, cos they're leaving in a couple of months.

Yes, maybe the new school will offer trips, the the fact remains, and always will, that ds1 got the 3 day trip to the mountains & ds2 never did (they're moving from very nice, expensive private school - paid for by dh work - to the local state school, so I think treats like trips will drop a notch or 2, not that I have much idea what to expect). I also suspect big residential trips will come a lot later, like at secondary school, and again, it'll be ds1 getting it,

I want to distribute the luck and good fortune, as a very much overshadowed 2nd child with sister only a bit older in age, I keenly feel my ds's pain. It just isn't the same with wider age gap. With ds3 they are clearly a lot older/younger, at different ages & stages, with different needs and interests and friends etc. ds1 & 2 are so close, and out of the class play at break together, play often with the same friends, go to the same places etc. So the disparity is even harder to bear.

Yep, we have this. Ds has all the holidays, accolades, prizes etc, & dd (17 months younger) doesn't. All you can do is make sure things that are in your power are as equitable as possible and that your younger child knows he is equally loved & as valued by you as your other child. Life isn't always fair & it's a hard lesson to learn, but children that do often end up being better balanced people later on imo.

I think with the trip you can still make ds2 feel special - let him have a friend around (overnight maybe, so what if it's a school night, once won't hurt), preferably one in the same position with a sibling on the school trip, and do something special in the evening (tenpin bowling & pizza or whatever). Let your ds2 choose all his favourite food while ds1 is away and let him have stuff you might not usually allow. If your ds1 gets all the luck, then you will just have to engineer some luck for your ds2.