pissed off DH says he could do my job this is his trial day

[hereidrawtheline]

DH is home from work to help out we are having major problems with our puppy and probably have to rehome him.

So far he has had lovely long talks with DS really exploring DS's mind which is lovely meanwhile I am tidying up, dealing with the dog etc and he is doing one task at a time namely being a wonderful father to DS and it is pissing me off you know I would love to have nice long talks with DS in the day too but instead I have to manage him, appointments, animals, an aggressive puppy etc I dont fucking have the time.

I know you are right but its tearing my heart up to hear him screaming like this.

oh god, i know what you mean.

but if
you can resist, and more than just htis once, it does make everyhting a LOT easier.

dd1 will still insist on me if she is in the middle of a big upset, but if dh is there, and can head things off a little, then she will accept him now.

it all came to a head for us when dd2 started copying dd1's behaviour (why wouldn't she? NT children learn by examp,e after all) and I would have both of them screaming for me, which was unworkable.

please try to resist. is it tearing you up so badly because part of you is thinking "I am the only one that will ease this situation, and I do not want to be the only one, but I am, and I will be forever, for the rest of my life"

this is a situation that can only be helped if you let other people help, which means letting your dh and ds find out how to help each other.

the flip side is, giving in now, and going to your ds, who is presumably howling for you, is that oyu are reinforcing that if he shouts loudly enough he will get oyu. which means that it will only get worse - the immediacy, the panic when you don't respond, etc.

I know you are right I have resisted.

I am going to go to sleep now. Being on my bed and crying for so long has made me drowsy. Thanks very much, I will be back later. x

have a good sleep, and whenyou wake up, do something you enjoy, whether with ds or without - just have some fun

Have a good sleep. Take a book or magazine and go sit in the cafe with a coffee and take some time to calm your spirit.

Let your dh take over for the rest of hte day.

When you get home, don't throw yourself straight back into hte mayhem. Spend some time with your son and let dh do everything else.

Here

Had to post. You sound just like I was when DS1 was 3. You might need to go back to the Drs because the prozac might need recalibrating dose wise. AND you need some counselling. It does help.

My counsellor told me that 'escape is fine' and allow yourself to escape for a while. So do it. Book time - he comes in, dinner, etc, you disappear off - even just for a walk.

You are having problems with the dog because you are in bits and he is getting confused as to who is boss. In the pecking order he has realised that DS (rightly) has a higher pecking order than him so he is establishing himself as more dominant. He knows DS is scared so he's going to build on that. I think it would be easier to send puppy back much as its hard. What sort of dog is he?

DS - I had exactly the same emotions about the relationship with mine and it is yuck. The only way to cure it is to spend more time with him doing fun stuff that he likes. Bugger the house work. No one will die and a bit of dirt builds up resistance.

You are going through a mega stressful time with a child who clearly has SEN. IT WILL GET BETTER. But YOU have to be well because you are the family's central pivot so looking after yourself is not selfish or daft it is very very sensible.

Your son, too will improve. It's a rocky road with lots of switchbacks but you meet some lovely people on the way.

Do what you have to do to keep well. If that's hiding from he playworker then so be it. Your hubby too needs to have it spelled out in foot high capital letters that you have an illness and that you are hanging on a thread. He's going to be buggered if it gets worse and you are hospitalised or incapacitated further by it so he'd better get his finger out for a bit. My hubby did and actually its when his relationship with DS1 really took off and it did them a power of good. Make him take him on boys bonding weekends - it will give you a chance to recover and them bonding (and realising how difficulty it all is) time.

All the best. Remember - I have the monopoly on Crap mother of the year and I guard my title jealously - you can't possibly be crap mother as I am it!

flyingmum, LOL at you guarding your title!! Dont worry I am scrambling like mad to avoid stealing it from you! Though I might just be a natural...

My day since posting last...

had a shower, really nice long hot one. Shaved, groomed. Took DS out on a date! Just me and him. Left the dog and DH at home. It was lovely. We got cakes at the tearoom, then spent a nice long time at the library. I was in mother bliss (if only I could blot out the other memories that is) it was a really lovely time.

Came home, dog went mad to see me as he is totally and only bonded to me. I took him out in the garden for some playtime with him. Having a good time! Thinking... maybe just maybe I could keep this dog. He was meant to be mine you see, my companion. Then come inside. Dog and DS begin their usual routine, dog attacking DS, DS screaming in terror, dog getting more fierce, me pulling dog off DS, dog turning on me, me calling DH in frantically so he could take dog away while I looked after DS.

DS then goes into one of his ultra manic phases. Runs headfirst into the door frame, very very badly hurting himself and getting a huge red welt on his head. Then threw himself off the sofa on the floor, landed on his head. More screaming in pain. I go to pick him up to comfort him, he starts screaming "no dont catch me" which is his thing at the moment, dont know where he has got it from but there you go. He starts screaming blue murder, honestly at this point I am in a panic thinking fucking hell not again and the neighbours are going to call the police, DS is screaming his head off "no dont hurt me dont catch me no no no" meanwhile he has wrapped his arms around my leg and I cant move anyway let alone "catch" him.

DH puts DS in his room to cool off. DS then begins screaming so hard his voice has got to be killing him, "mama dont leave me alone" DH says "dont go into him he needs to calm down" after 5 mins of this I finally go in to him as it is beyond my power to ignore him screaming like that for that long. He starts screaming, "dont catch me" (dog barking because he cant get to me through the stairgate) Then I say to DS "can I hold you?" he says in a perfectly normal, pleasant voice, "yeah, sure!" so I hold him.

We sit down to eat dinner. DS is very very very loud the whole dinner to the point where my ears just hurt.

Long story short I am confirmed in my decision that the puppy has to go back to his breeder and am trying not the focus on the pain of that as it will bog me down too much right now.

I put a note through the neighbours door to let them know dog was going (they complained last week that they heard his tail wagging against the radiator - we live in a semi bungalow) and dropped in the note casually that DS's existing problems had been made worse by the dog this is to convince them I am not after all operating a torture ring from my quiet leafy suburb.

I am still waiting to hear back from the breeder about arrangements for returning puppy. Am really trying not to think about how he will feel he loves me so much.

For the record I dont have a bad track record with animals. I have 10 (pre-dog) and have never had to rehome one before. This was the only dog though so now I know my limits.

god reading that back, can someone please alert MNHQ to my last post wrt a nomination for Mum of the Year Is that still going on? I didnt look at it much assuming it would have nothing to do with me!

can i sugest a vey large bottle glassof wine tonight

thanks I so want one. We havent got any in the house though and not only are we broke so shouldnt be buying any but I will have to get DH to drive to the shop for one. Not sure if I am going to chance it or not! But... yes I probably will!

No - feel my title is safe. You poor thing. Screaming is a bugger. My son went through a stage of shouting weird stuff about cats when hes was having a paddy.

Hope the wine was good.

well its actually a bit crap. the wine. tastes a bit zingy.

Well waterworks me I am in tears again. I am giving the puppy to his new owners tomorrow and I am hating my life right now.

I got him to be my friend and companion. I wanted a dog who would love me and be loyal to me to keep me company. And I bloody got it. Problem is I didnt know it would mean DS couldnt share in it. The two of them are mutually exclusive. Of course giving up the dog is a no brainer when it matters so much to DS. It just feels so shit and cruel. I got a dog who sees nothing but me. I loved him. And I am giving him up. He was meant to be mine in a world where almost nothing is mine. And it lasted two weeks.

Oh fucking hell I am sorry. I am so stupid I am crying again. So stupid. I am sorry. Of course it sounds like all I do is moan but it isnt true. It is just almost all I do at the moment. Everything is on top of me.

I have always felt like I have to be the cheerful one and the supporter because I irritate people or bother them if I am out of sync. Its still true. I just dont know why I am.

Obie was meant to be my consolation and because I cant have any more children.

Just saw your post and wandered whether anyone on the pets section could help over the dog behaviour thing?
I remember someone saying to me when they got their new puppy they had to do lots of counterintuitive things like ignoring dog, always talking to child first, feeding child first, so that pecking order was established.
Anyway so sorry you are feeling bad.
I also remember when my cousin first got her puppy 8 years ago, she was almost in tears because the puppy and her little boy (4) got on so badly. Looking after the two together going for walks in park etc were a nightmare. Like you she was longing to have a new baby/companion in the dog and it took a long time for the whole situtation to resolve. It was very very hard work for her,much more than she could have envisaged. She still has the dog who is much calmer (8 years on) and gets on with her son (11) well.
But this is just to make you realise that you are not doing terribly.

thank you, I cant though. I know what it would take to train him and I cant do it with DS. DS is terrified of him. And to be fair he has good reason, Obie is always lunging for DS's winky. I just cant manage it safely and happily for DS and DS is to put it bluntly already a bit of a difficult one emotionally. It would do him in or at least our relationship it.

I would keep him in a heartbeat if I didnt have children. Without question. I know he doesnt sound it from how I have described him but he is truly lovely. Just has some behavioural problems.

If it helps, I think you are doing the right thing in letting the puppy go.

We got our puppy at 2mo and it was very hard work for the first few months, far more work than I'd anticipated and trying to give her as much time as she needed was almost impossible.

However, we were very lucky that she has an exceptionally placid, gentle, easy going nature. She is calm with the dcs and has responded very easily to training.

If she hadn't been as easy as she has been then there is no way on earth we would still have her. I just couldn't have done it, because like you, the bulk of her care falls to me and I do not have the emotional or physical energy to struggle with a dog as well.

Don't beat yourself up. You could not have known how much work the pup would be, or how it would respond to ds.

Take some time, accept it was not meant to be yet but in the not too distant future when the issues with ds are perhaps less uncertain and you have more answers, when he's at school and you have more time, then you can get another puppy who will give you what you want.

My little boy was absolutely terrified of dogs at that age HereIDraw, they used to chase him round the park screaming, thinking it was a game. I think some children are very frightened of dogs intuitively, so again you mustn't beat yourself up about that. People with dogs used to get very cross when I didn't allow their dog in my house because my son got so upset. Now he's older he still doesn't adore them but realises they are not going to eat him up.

We've just got a kitten (actually a year now) (our youngest dc is seven) and I think that was the earliest it would have suited the family (obviously different with a pre-existing pet)

Thanks very much. I felt awful gathering his things up this morning while he was following me around the house. DS is being particularly trying today as well and I have a migraine so I just want it over with I guess. But you are right, I know its the right thing to do. I wish I had known before it would be wrong to adopt him but there you go. Hindsight is 20/20

You don't need to train the puppy. You need to train DS. My pup does the same it's just play. They are only babies and don't know how else to play.

When the puppy starts biting and jumping tell DS to cross his arms and turn his back on the pup. They HATE being ignored and will soon stop. Once pup has stopped DS should get a toy/ball and play with the pup. It will soon learn it gets more attention when it is calm.

I can not train DS he has SN. His terror has overcome his ability to learn in this case.

You are being very brave HereIDraw, and it sounds as if you have made the right decision just for the time being, as Olihan said.
You sound as if you have lots of love to give.

I just wanted to offer you hugs and support - you sound such a fantastic hard working mum in a difficult situation.

I also wanted to tell you about a couple of things my counsellor suggested for me to do, to stop me exhausting myself. One is that I put relaxing things onto my list of daily jobs to do - if my list includes something like 'watch tv for an hour' then I'll do it, whereas otherwise I'll rush round like a mad thing non-stop. The other is to stop regularly and say to myself 'am I getting tired? have I eaten anything lately? will I need to stop in 15 minutes? should I start finishing this activity now so that I can clear up before being exhausted?'. My list of daily jobs now does include increasingly weird things like 'eat breakfast, eat lunch, sit down for 30 minutes', but it does help me do them!

GrendalsMum that is a good idea and I can very much see the sense in it. I think the problem is with me that I have lost touch with myself somewhat but I am lucky in that its only been the last several weeks. Before that I was on a roll with feeling very in tune. But I think giving up Obie has felt like giving up another thing "for me". Selfish, yes, but I was lonely and wanted that dog. But there you go. I think now I have to find some way of retrieving myself a bit out of this whole mothering lark. I do have hobbies, and I read voraciously, and friends, but sometimes I just dont feel there is much point in me other than what I give to other people.

I wanted to say as well, I am American, have lived here 9 years as DH is English & DS & I have duel citizenship. Anyway there was a certain irony in that today is Mother's Day in America. Which is sort of loosely acknowledged in our house as the English one is. I got a card (from my mum) and also from DS. And it was just very typical somehow that I handed over my dog on a day when I was reflecting on being a Mother. I have to say it was awful and I sobbed like an idiot but then after a long sleep I felt much better. I played with DS without worrying about the barking, biting, attacking side of things. And it just felt peaceful, which I never though I would use that word to describe my house!

Thanks for your support.