Think my son is going slowly off the rails. How do we stop this NOW!!

[shinyshoes]

quite a few incidents at school of late. His cousin goes to the same school so he tells his mum what he's up to and she tells me.

He keeps being on report, mainly for chatting i class, he is talkative but i'd hardly call it a major issue. The school put him on report for it then after a week if he's been good on it and met targets he gets taken off.

It seems though it's not just that. I found out last night that he's been threatening to 'bash people in' and if that wasn't enough he apparently smokes and one incident yesturday he friend said 'do you want to be bood brotheres, proceeded to CUT himself and my son licked the blood.

Now I don't know what to do next. I have taken EVERY priveledge he has away, and he is grounded indefinately but I don't know what else to do.

I have asked for a meeting with his teacher and where possibe we are going to take him and pick him up from shool. As obviously he can't act responsibly or be trusted. But I don't know what else to do.

He is 12 next month.

any advice greatly appreciated

Is this all hearsay from his cousin? What does he say? Are you sure it's true?

I would be outraged by the smoking - but surely you would smell it on him if he was?

I have to say it all sounds pretty normal to me - is there more you haven't told us?

try not to panic just yet , i am in a similar situation where my nephew attends the same school as my 10 yr old son , they are both in 4th class but different classrooms , & they love 2 get 1 up on each other , so try talking calmly 2 your son & explain to him about where his behaviour will lead him , & I'm sure your nephew is not perfect in school either , ,
my guess is he is just trying 2 look cool in front of his friends , normal for his age , meeting his teacher is great , together you can both monitor him

is this secondary school or last year primary?

just worked it out, of course its first year secondary.

Do you think he is tryng to fit in, and seen how some of the others act to be popular?

Have the school been in touch with you first, or is this just coming from the hearsay of the cousin?

Talk to him, ask him how he is and what he's feeling about school - it must be annoying to be put on report for talking, etc. Re the blood, it could be made up but if it's true you need to talk to him about that. Explain that yes you are very worried, it's because he could really harm himself that way and it's a way to pass on horrendous diseases, and it's not on.

I'm not a mum of children this age but I do remember being troubled at that kind age and I had a lot of time for adults who just listened and were honest about their own feelings and tried to understand mine. (My parents weren't like that but a wonderful teacher helped me by just listening.)

Could you tell us a bit more, shinyshoes? I may be a bit lax, but I wouldn't be as horrified by this behaviour as you seem to be. i certainly doesn't seem to be a "gounding indefinitely" situation. And I would want to ba absolutely sure it was all true before I did anything!

Well DH is wondering whether or not it is true, but then I asked why he would make it up (the cousin).

DS1 is adamant that he didn't lick anyone elses blood, but again, why would his cousin he make it up. My cousin has great joy in telling me what DS is up to only this morning I woke up to find a text saying 'and he smokes too xx' DH has just about had enough of her and calls them shitstirrers.

I have spoken to my sister and she thinks it's about him trying to fit in, the smoking, chatting in class and licking blood. (if it's true), She thinks it's pretty normal behaviour for a child of that age. (again the blood thing not being so normal) .

I was thinking of going in the school, and finding out excatly what he is up too, and perhaps have regular meetings once a week, just a 5 minute after school thing to keep an eye on progress. He has just come off of report again for chatting in class.

One thing he has told e though is that a teacher has said to him if he dosen't buck up his ideas he won't be welcome in the school anymore. My cousin also told me this too, that her son he=as said that mine is close to being kicked out. All this for chatting, it seems extreme but then she said the 'threatening to smash people in could be seen as bullying', but why haven't the school approached me, why am I hearing this 2nd hand form my cousin because her son has told her???

To be honest he dosen't come home smelling of cigarettes, I'd be the first to notice it. although he was upstairs crying last weekend, I asked him what was wrong and he told me he'd had a cigarette with another boy, his cousin knew of this and said 'if you don't get me £20. by tomorrow I am going to tell your mum' DS1 was scared and told me. I explained I was dissapointed in him for smoking but I appreciated the fact he told me and proud that he could come to me about it. I didn't tell my cousin, my sister thinks I should have done.

Am I overreacting. I don't know anymore, I don't know what to do

Hang on. You have grounded him indefinitely and taken all his privileges away on the say so of a cousin who is obviously getting a huge kick out of getting him into trouble, and who is trying to extort money out of him? Why didn't you challenge his cousin over the £20?

I'm sorry - but I think you are handling this in completely the wrong way. Your son is being bullied by his cousin and you are punishing him for stuff that he might not even have done.

The blood thing is a bit of silly teen age bravado, as is the smoking. If either of them are true. The only think you know is that a teacher has told him to buck his ideas up. Everything else is hearsay and, as you dh says, possibly 'shit-stirring"

Stop listening to ANYONE except your son and the school.

I remember doing the 'blood-brothers' thing at that age and I was fairly sensible usually.

Was flicking through this book in library last week. Might be worth a try?

Mind you, I don't have a 12 year old yet, so this might be like one of those suggestions on sleep from a newly first time pregnant friend.

You have acted on hearsay of his cousin.

This cousin is sending stupid texts scuh as 'he smokes too xxx'

You have not heard any of this directly from the school.

IMO, the fist thing you need to do is ask your sister to speak to her DD and request that she no longer reports back on everything he supposedly does.

Then, you need to speak to your DS and ask him if everything is ok at school and is there anything worrying him.

Once you have gained that info, depending on the content, I would ask for an appointment at the school to find out what is going on.

For all you know it may be that the cousin is jealous of his friendships etc and is just stirring. If things were that bad surely the school would have been in touch already.

Thank you Seeker for such blunt but sensible advice . That's why I came on here because I needed to be be advised on how to handle it and what to do.

I know if I approached my cousin though it will be a whole 'but why would my son lie, he has no reason to etc,' etc'.

Thanks everyone. It looks as though I will have to go in the school on Monday to find out exactly what's going on. Perhaps also lifting the grounding. I still don't know what to do re my cousins son though, it's easy for me to say 'stay well away from him' but i'll the be cutting off family which is difficult.

Agree with seeker. Unless you have stronger EVIDENCE your son needs to know that you trust him and have high expectations of him. Imagine how you'd feel if the most important person in the world to you was so ready to believe anything and everything bad that they were told about you. i would err on the side of trusting him if it's his word against his cousin's.

sorry got mixed up with the cousin. replace dd with DS

I did the blood brothers thing at that age too, I think that's quite normal (Though Not To Be Recommended, of course). It happens in various classic children's stories, there are lots of places you can get the idea for it.

I feel sorry for your ds tbh. The cousin sounds like a total little git, and it enjoying torturing your ds. Your ds must feel quite trapped, no place to just be himself without spies and people on his back. He'ss 11 years old and been a bit chatty in school. ok maybe more than a bit chatty, but not an indefinate grounding and total loss of privilages offence surely.

have a long talk with him, end all tittle tattle with cousin and tell him you love him and trust him and to stop the fags and vampire tendancies. Then have a nice ice cream and let him earn back a few privilages (with nothing too arduous, prefferably something reasonably nice & bonding.with you or dh, like going to the gardening centre and potting ome plants together or somehitng

My DS4 is the same age and at high school.

I think you should sit down with your son....a piece of paper and a pen each. I think you should explain to him what is going on. Get him to write down his thoughts - what makes him feel happy, sad, ashamed, proud etc etc. You do the same.

When you have done this talk about everything and anything. I did this with my DS1 when he started high school because I had been told he was being verbally bullied. We had a 'family meeting' for about half an hour at least twice a week or more if he wanted to. In our meetings we were only allowed to talk when we had the 'wooden spoon' (can be anything you want it to be) when we had the spoon and talked everybody else had to listen.

Im not saying it worked instantly but it did work.

I would also, on the whole, ignore the cousin. Sounds like a great deal of enjoyment is being gained from 'grassing' up your DS. If he texts - dont reply. If you speak honestly to your DS like you have done on this thread I KNOW he will listen and appreciate your honesty.

Good luck xx

Dump the cousin. I agree with your dh, what a shit-stirrer. You should definitely tell her her little darling has been trying to extort money. Who's the bully now?!

I am fairly sure the school would view the attempt to extort £20 as a far more serious crime than sharing a cigarette by someone. Talk about bullying!

I would contact your cousin's family pronto and let them know that their precious son is trying to extort money through threats. Let the school know too if it relates to school hours; it may be that your son is not the only one who is being bullied in this way.

I agree with seeker-I would start with a good talk with your DS, making sure that he knows that you are on his side and will be supportive if he has any problems.If he has got problems I would contact the school and work through them together. Could his cousin be jealous of him?