do you ever feel achingly lonely as a wife and mother?

[carocaro]

I do. But it's just the stage we are at as a family. DS has just started a new business so as expected his is all consumed by it. I don't resent him for this, he's always wanted to do this and I a happy for him. He is away a lot. I look after the children obviously. I have great close friends in other parts of the country and these phone calls are literally a lifeline. Money is tight so a social life is not really on the cards, the odd night out here and there. Baby sitters are hard to come by and DS2 aged 2 is a pain in the ass at bedtime.

I love my children, but I just feel invisible at the moment. And I have never felt this lonely before. I get it's just a stage of where we are at present but I find it quite hard and quite sad. I immerse myself in books and love doing photography and think Ellen on Diva TV is the best programme for lifting one's spirits!

Do you understand?

Yeah I do and I think a lot of people on mumsnet are on here for the same reason.
It's taken me 7yrs of living in this area to make friends who I'm nearly as close to as the ones I made at school and university.

I think it's inevitable that mothers feel like this at some stage or another and probably more likely to be when lo's are pre-school.

I felt exactly the same when DD was little, but I have come out the other side now, dd is 13. Things will get easier, but don't try to wish your life away and miss the most beautiful part of being a mum.

The down side for me now, is that DD doesn't need me in the same way as little ones do. We don't have the big exciting christmases, we don't have those funny little moments, when she does cute things and we don't get to run in the park and feed the ducks. All very precious things for mum and child.

Stick around here and you'll never feel completely alone though.

I can totally understand how you feel. Dp set up his own haulage business 7 years ago and due to the nature of his work is often out before the dcs and I are up and doesn't get home til after they are in bed, sometimes I am too. I find the fact that the dcs see so little of him the hardest thing tbh.

At first I found it extremely difficult and was very lonely. I didn't know many people where we lived and didn't really like baby/toddler groups. I think the turning point was when dd1 started school and I had to get and as she started making friends, so did I.

I am used to my own company now and have found some interests for myself- including mn

I agree with what MaureenMlove says, don't wish the time away, they grow up so quickly

I could have written this myself apart from the fact that I don't have friends I can phone and I don't have many interests of my own apart from watching TV and mumsnetting! I am my own worst enemy really.

I think you need to start meeting other people. Have you been to any local toddler groups? They can be daunting at first, but when you remember that every one of those mothers was new once, it helps. They usually appoint someone to welcome newcomers too.

Or else, get in touch with your local NCT group. They have coffee mornings in each others houses and it's much more intimate. Some NCT groups also operate a babysitting circle and some will have the odd night out without kids.

If you like books, you could also join a bookclub. There will be details of one in your library.

Try Netmums too. They have a list of local events as well as all the toddler groups in your area, with reviews. Days out suggestions, storytime dates at the library and they have a Meet-a-Mum section.

Being a mum is the hardest and loneliest job in the world. You can't have a tea break or have an uninterrupted lunch break. Sometimes you can't even go to the loo in peace! And doing this job is 10 times worse when you're tired. Chatting to other mums who are in the same boat does help, and the strongest friendships are often borne out of these groups.

yes i understand

it sounds like you doing a brilliant job

have you got to know local mums? when you are lucky enough to find ones you click with it can bring a lot of companionship and fun for you and kids so well worth making huge effort to find nice mums to share things with x

I can understand it, sometimes feel that I don't fit in anywhere. Was stood in the playground today as dd walked to class and realised that I had no-one to talk to apart from dd2 who's only 13 months so conversation is limited. Have no words of wisdom but you're not alone, and I hope you feel better about it all soon.

The only way I can describe how I regularly feel is 'like an Island' Completely alone in my thoughts & feelings. I am not literally alone, of course (2 lovely sons and a great dh), but I just feel on my own. Actually, I often wonder if this is my way of stepping back to take stock of my life and when I come 'out' of it, I seem to have changed a little - iyswim Sorry if it's a bit heavy

Chins up ladies !!

This was me, we moved house for Dh's job, I left my job and all my friends behind. Dh started his new job, had actual conversations with people, me? I just got told to enter my PIN in the supermarket

I had ds1 aged about 15 months at the time, I was incredibly lonely, went to toddler groups but ds1 didn't cope very well with the move so clung to my leg the whole time. Everyone seemed to already be part of a group and I wasn't really welcomed (it's Yorkshire!!)

It all changed when ds1 started preschool, I had ds1 by then aged just 4 months. Made loads of friends and am now a different person.

Also ds2 is in a playgroup so chat to those Mums now.

Just wanted you to know it is totally normal to feel this way.

I find it really hard to make friends. My DS1 is at preschool every morning so every day I see the same faces but hardly anyone bothers with me. I make an effort to be friendly and rarely get more than a smile or an hello back. Some people look at you as if you are mad when you say hello! Everyone seems to know each other and stop and chat just not to me! I start to wonder if there's something wrong with me. I spend my whole time feeling sorry for myself which doesn't do me any good.

I'm in the same boat, dd in school, ds goes to nursery 2.5 hours a day, and I have dd2 (14 months) all day until dh comes home.

I'm always on the go but as we moved here 6 years ago I only really get hello's and how are you's at the school and nursery. I've tried inviting people for coffee, or play dates and they're always nice but nothing special.

I'm not sure I'm that good at making new friends, i've had my old friends since high school but my dh is my best friend now. I'd love to have a girly friend to talk to, and to moan to about my dh! Any idea's on how to open myself up?

I know, I am slowly going a bit argh! atm too. The other thing I have noticed is that little set backs get out of proportion as there are not really many things to focus the mind on.

Its so reassuring that others feel the same and I'm not going mad! I know friendships don't happen overnight but I can't help but feel left out when I see other people having a laugh and a joke.

I often find myself thinking 'am I being paranoid?' and I am very guilty of blowing the slightest thing out of proportion because I have very little else to think about. Its easy to dwell on things isn't it? I mean I am busy with the children but your mind isn't occupied in the same way that it is when you're working...

Marie12 you've hit the nail on the head .... "I have very little else to think about". I am sure that if I had a job and my brain was occupied, I wouldn't fret about my dc and other trivial crap

im not married so i don't know if i qualify but yes being a mum is a lonely business. friends and family are a godsend. i have also taken up some hobbies which help such as pinting and baking. true dd dosn't give me time to complete them fully but they help a bit.

To echo everyone else, you are not alone. I always feel lonely. My DH is home everyday by 3pm so I do have his help. However, I am from the states and do not have friends or family of my own here. I have found it very hard. I think for me it is not so much about getting out and about, but about loosing 'me' since I have become a mother. DD is 18 months and I am due next week with #2. I have already decided that I am going to make more time for myself.

I have found that making a friend at a play group is nice, but usually the only common bond is a kid. I don't want friends through my kids...I want friends for me and who I am.

Is there anyone who can watch kiddies while you maybe do a book club or swim class or something just for you. I think even if you didn't make any friends, you will feel more like you again as you start to find yourself under the layers of mommyhood

I've actually just put the computer on because I was feeling lonely! I find weekends the worst because DP works and other people tend to be doing things as a family and I just have the DCs on my own. In the week I go to lots of free baby classes (I'm on maternity leave at the minute) so I'm not alone, but I do often feel lonely even when surrounded by other mums - some days if I'm no feeling up to striking up a conversation with someone new I just sit and watch everyone else. Making small talk to try to initiate friendships can be really tiring and sometimes I can't be bothered!

I think it must be quite normal to feel lonely when its just you and the children - its tiring, and although you obviously have the DCs for company its not the same as having an adult to have a good moan to!

Yup - me too!

As in sometimes (quite a lot of the time) I feel alone... and lonely. I elected to give up my job and be a SAHM but it does get one down sometimes.

I feel horrible about complaining because I wanted a baby so badly and finally got my wish after 16 yrs of marriage and at the ripe old age of 40, so I shouldn't moan at all. My ds is 15 months and he is absolutely lovely. I guess hadn't realised that being at home with a baby would make one feel quite so isolated, not to mention tiring. My dh has a very busy job and works long hours, though he does help loads on weekends and on the evenings he is at home.
I'm still bfeeding, and my son is a nocturnal animal - wants his mummy as dummy frequently through the night, so I end up really tired every morning. And the idea of trying to make new friends is exhausting. Its impossible to describe how drained I feel after 15 months of sleepless nights - and yes I have tried a whole bunch of tricks to get my ds to sleep through the night. None of them worked...

Okay enough moaning from me, I guess - just felt I had to share and let you know that there's one more lonely soul out there

Me too! I live far away from where i grew up and where my family are.

It's tough, and it can feel like you're the only one - that all the other mums that live nearby have loads of mates and are much happeir than you - but that cant be true.

I've started dragging myself to mother and baby groups after trying a few classes etc. It's not something i feel comfortable with at all, but have realised that people are not going to come knocking on my door to be my friend....

more fool them though - i'm dead cool!! ha ha

Hope you feel more chipper soon xx

Yes me too - and it is a stage. I'm on mat leave at the moment and I miss work dreadfully. Unfortunately I've just been made redundant so I have to go through the whole job hunting process in the autumn when I'm due to go back

Mumsnet is a life-saver though. You'll find many kindred spirits here

Hi my name is maggie I am now after 25 yrs a single mum of four children 3 of which have now started to flee the nest I just have An 9 yr old boy at home with me .i also have a physical disability that limits me getting orotund a bit .but the reason I am on her is that I am so lonely and unhappy bored with my life I have no friends in the area I am now living in although I have been here for 2 years now .ifeel like I have no purpose in life especially in the daytime when my son is at school.he has always been my motivation to keep going but it's not enough for me I need more .does anyone else feel this way or am I being selfish.sorry to be a bit depressing.thank you

I didn't do NCT (too expensive!!) and was worried about making friends when I had my daughter. I've been using an app: MUSH to meet other mums and it's great. I heard about it on women's hour! It's a bit like online dating, but for mums :) I've really enjoyed getting to know other people and making friends. Might be worth a try?

Just realised this thread is old! Hope the advice about the Mush app helps you Maggie

I'm incredibly lonely. Every day. When I am alone or even when I have a full house. My husband hasn't looked at me with passion or like he is truly in love with me for as many years as I can remember. Our 11 year old daughter is fantastic but she is going through a stage of ignorance and defiance. She is full of love still, so she is easy to mother. But, everyday is a heartache for me. I never cry, I am not much of one and find it hard to shed a tear even in the most heartbreaking situation. But, lately I find myself looking at my partner and wishing he looked at me the way I look at him. I wish he would wake up and spend time with me before work, I wish I could wake up every once in a while to him just watching me because he loves me. I wish he made an effort when he was home or away but he just doesn't. He works long hours and I know he loves me but I feel like he's just settled. Everything I want to do, I'm met with a sigh, a no or rolled eyes. I want early mornings with him. I get a grunt and he stays in bed until 12pm+. He comes in from work and just sits in his phone watching football or reading football for hours. He hardly touches me anymore, he can't stand to look at me naked and if I dress up for him I get a quick look but he goes back to his phone before bed then goes to sleep. I'm mentally exhausted and physically. I work, I decorate, clean and maintain our home completely alone, I look after our pets alone, I look after our daughter almost completely alone. Yet, as tired as I am, I still awake and greet my partner with open arms. I am here for them both 24/7 and I'm beginning to lose who I am. I want a new career after putting mine on hold for 13 years. I need some passion back, I need to feel loved again. I am so sick of this aching loneliness, it's tearing me apart.