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Sibling rivalry - how do you cope and does it get better?

11 replies

desperatelyseekingsleep · 06/05/2009 14:17

DS1 and DS2 (4 and nearly 2)fight most of the time they are together. Whatever one has the other wants and DS1 can sometimes be downright horrible to his little brother, who is very sensitive and gets extremely upset. Is this normal at this age? I'm feeliong so depressed by it as I had hoped they would be playmates for each other. The way things are going at the moment, I can't see that EVER happening . Life just seems to be one long battle of trying to stop them fighting. Any experiences or tips?

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FrankMustard · 06/05/2009 14:19

very normal
doesn't nevcesarily get better but just changes in how it manifests
try to keep calm and be a good referee
they'll learn to love one another eventually

this is the theory I'm hanging onto.....I have 4 boys andf usually they can be found in a big pile on top of one another just because out of ALL the toys and ALL the cars, dinosaurs etc., etc, they ALL want to play with the same thing at EXACTLY the same time....

good luck!

FrankMustard · 06/05/2009 14:20

my usual line is that if they can't play nicely together and share things and take turns they NO-ONE gets to play with said item (usually stressed with an acoompanying angry mum face - seems to work )

Pitchounette · 06/05/2009 15:08

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Mumwhensdinnerready · 06/05/2009 19:13

I have two boys two years apart and this sounds pretty normal. Sometimes though it's tempting to focus on the falling out and not notice when they are playing happily together.
From an early age my main problem was DS1 being horrible to DS2. 99% of the time they were the best of friends but DS2 was always the one to get hurt, not just imo because he was younger and smaller. DS1 is very competitive and ALWAYS has to be better, faster, taller, quicker or whatever than his brother.Luckily DS2 is Mr easygoing, he is laid back, tolerant and not at all competitive so he seems to put up with his brother.I used to threaten to get DS1 a big brother so he would know how it felt to be pushed around!

I don't think I appreciated just how well they played together until DS1 hit puberty and suddenly that two year age gap showed for the first time and they now seem to have less in common.
DS1 is 13 and DS2 11 now and I wonder whether they will become closer again when DS2 reaches puberty.

desperatelyseekingsleep · 07/05/2009 13:01

Nice to know its normal - it's just such hard work. Mumwhensdinnerready,you're right, they do sometimes play nicely together and I don't pay attention to it. Part of my problem is that DS2 is REALLY hard work, very clingy and whingey (that's a whole nother thread!), so gets most of my attention leaving DS1 rather left out.I think I feel sad because I see other people's siblings getting on so well, and DS1 just seems to not care about DS2 at all. Will take on board all your advice though!

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Dottoressa · 08/05/2009 14:14

DS and DD are two years apart (7 and 5), and either fight or play. They never leave one another alone! The playing is a recent development; there was a phase when they only ever seemed to fight. I put a vast amount of time and energy into getting them to play together, and I'm hoping that it is finally paying off!

Tips:

Take any possible opportunity to get them to do or say something kind to or for each other. If need be, create the opportunity yourself.

Take - or, again, create - any opportunity to get your DS1 to see DS2 as a source of fun and entertainment. When DD was about ten months and crawling, I invented a game called 'slip-slap': DS and I had to hide under the table from DD, who was 'slip-slapping' along the wooden floor. DS (then 2.10) thought this was hysterical... He also thought it was hilarious when we used to put her on the bed with a heap of cushions and count how many seconds she could sit up for (so she must have been very small at the time!) Silly stuff like that seemed to help them to see one another as playmates rather than rivals for my attention.

Encourage them to play board games together (of course, two is still young for this - but you can 'help' both of them).

Do things like make huge pictures where each child has their own 'section' to draw/stick/do whatever on, then hang up their joint masterpiece.

Engineer situations where they can conspire against you!

Mine still fight something rotten, and I spend a lot of time doing the very dull thing of trying to help them to sort out their problems themselves. But as I say, they do often play very nicely now, especially if it involves dismantling the house. Good luck!

desperatelyseekingsleep · 08/05/2009 14:38

Thank you so much dottoressa, those ideas are all brilliant, and I will def try them. I'm starting to realise that it is going to be an ongoing task that, as you say, is going to take a VAST ammount of effort. I just hope I have the energy for it!

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Dottoressa · 08/05/2009 14:45

You are very welcome! Despite my advice and good resolutions, I sometimes don't have the energy for it either, and have to count backwards from 20 v-e-r-y slowly (and then repeat, if they're being really frightful) in order to resist the temptation to lock them in separate cages until they're 18.

Dottoressa · 10/05/2009 10:03

DSS - I've remembered something else. I am a witch, and I have to catch them and put them in my sandwich toaster (i.e. squash them under the sofa cushions). They have to help one another to escape from the evil witch's clutches...

Phoenix4725 · 10/05/2009 10:31

mumswhen dinners ready

they do get closer again i to noticed huge gap as ds 1 and 2 got older but now there pretty close again

Phoenix4725 · 10/05/2009 10:31

mumswhen dinners ready

they do get closer again i to noticed huge gap as ds 1 and 2 got older but now there pretty close again

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