Is ignoring it the best solution?

[bibblebobble]

I know this is as old as the hills - but looking for constructive advice on how to handle grandparents visit next week. FIL is very good at pushing my buttons and for someone who has no experience of looking after young children (did nothing at all for his 3) he is very opinionated and takes every opportunity to make me look small.

Do I just ignore what I can and only comment when I really have to (e.g when bottle of wine and glass get left in 14month olds reach at 3pm in the afternoon?

I try so hard at each visit to get on with them better and I know it is a vicious circle of everyone reacting to small things. I want them to have a good relationship with their grandchildren but how do I change? Please I am really looking for constructive advice as to how people have improved relationships with in laws.

None of this is helped by the fact that I will be bringing new baby home when they are here....

He sounds like a bully and behaves like this because he knows he can get away with it.

I don't think you should let this behaviour continue indefinitely because as you say, you will end up reacting to the small things and it could blow up out of proportion.

Is it possible that you could have a word with him on your own? Talk to him in facts, raise specific things that he has done and explain how it has made you feel and that you do not like to be spoken to/treated in this way.

He will be more likely to listen if you initially confront him on your own as he won't feel the need to defend himself as much as he would in front of people and it avoids people having to "take sides". You never know, he may be unaware of how he comes across and be quite apologetic when he realises.

Thank you LadyAga but no - that unfortunately would not work - yes he can be a bully and very difficult to deal with - he also has very positive qualities but I have lost sight of them over the years. My husband would be angry with me if I did as you suggest - he has in recent years seen how trying his father can be but says he is old and won't change and hence I have to...I very much want to change my reaction to him and not allow him to have the power over me that he does. I know I have to change.

Unfortunately MIL is not completely sweetness and light (even though DH thinks she walks on water) and she is very good and dropping a grenade or two (the nasty one liner being her weapon of choice).

Do they HAVE to be there when you come home with your new DC? That would drive me crazy so you have my sympathy.

It is so hard with tricky relations, but you sound like you're already thinking through the best strategy. Fight when you have to, bite tongue when you don't.

Try to ignore the things that are just the behaviour of people who haven't been around young children much, at all, or recently (the wine glass example). These things aren't malcious, and are dealt with easily.

It's where there's any direct attack on you or your parenting that you get into hot water. You need you DH to be on high alert re this and make sure he steps in before you have to.

My sis' MIL is a nightmare on this front. Very passive agressive. I was very embarassed recently when my DS was over there (same age as her DS) and was gulping down his juice. He has about 1/4 juice to 3/4 water. He is my second DC so I'm a big more relaxed. My sis still only gives her DS water, which is totally her choice and of course better for his teeth, but she was worrying a bit about how little he drinks and her MIL was straight in there using my DS as an example of how she ought to parent. "put some bloody juice in his cup, he obviously doesn't like the taste of the water. I mean, who likes to drink plain water??" on and on and on - I just didn't know where to put myself but tried to down play my slack attitude and praise my sister for being so good with her DS's diet etc.

You need your DH to be your guardian. He has to step in and be the bad guy as they won't be so quick to judge their own son as they will you.

Good luck - sorry above is such a waffle!

Make sure that you have some time out alone - go for a walk, but just try to get away from them for some time to clear your head and to get rid of any pent up frustration you may have ...

I can't believe that your husband is happy to have his parents over to stay (and knowing about your feelings towards them) when you will be bringing a new baby home - it is insensitive and inconsiderate to say the least!!

Why do you have to change - it is your house and your rules !!

Thank you sycamoretree - we do need their help - I am in for a Csection and we have 14mo so need them to be there when DH and I go to hospital and to help when I come out as I won't be able to lift 14 mo and DH has a very busy spell at work. They live a long way from us and they are being very good coming but it is not an ideal scenario. FIL does his best (I feel) to undermine me a parent at every opportunity and even little things cannot be said without him taking the pss (they took DD to the park a couple of weeks ago when they were here and I was telling MIL that there were moist wipes in the pram - just about to say in case DD encountered dog poo which she has before and before I could say it - he pipes up with "well great - I always want moist wipes when I go for a walk).

I sometimes want to scream at him to F off but know I have to manage him better and once he knows he can't push my buttons then I will have control over myself.

It is not just with me - he has a history of unreasonable behaviour - MIL has threatened to leave him as he won't heat their house adequately in the winter.

Itsjustafleshwound (love the name) I posted before seeing your post - unfortunately it is not my house (I am sure pre-women's lib MIL sees it as her son's house as I don't work anymore) and not my rules - DH reminds me whenever I get irritated that we have asked them to help so we take the help and be very grateful for it.

I can no longer talk to him about my feelings about them as it just causes trouble between us and again hands the power over and I want to take control of myself back.

Hi Bibble - not sure what you mean about it not being your house? Hopefully you are being tongue in cheek about MIL's ancient attitude...

Well, my FIL is also a nob jockey of the highest order. Luckily for me he was estranged from DH when I met DH, but since our DC's have come along, he is back in our lives in a very minimal way. Twice a year visit.

One time, when our (if I do say so myself) impeccably well behaved DD was 3, they visited us and bought her a present she loved SO much, she started playing straight away. But they wanted to go out for a walk the minute they arrived because of the long journey and DD got very upset because she was in love with this new little bear puzzle they bought her and didn't want to put it away.

I was dealing with it, but what does FIL start doing? Actually taking PICTURES of my DD whilst she's sobbing her heart out. Like she's not a human being, but some sort of strange creature in a freak show. Like her upset is somehow not the same as an adults?

Anyway, point is I understand that FIL's like this can't be changed much. My only advice is to resist the temptation to give him too much info on how you deal with DD and figure that if she comes home alive, you've got through it.

Luckily for me I had my mum around when coming back from elective C-section with DS. You're right, you do need the extra help, but BOY OH BOY, it is not ideal that there is additional emotional entanglements at work here.

I'd help you if I could!

Bibblebobble - I feel your pain, in that I have just come back from staying with my MIL - a domineering, interfering bully and my DH just excuses her unreasonable behaviour and will not support me in any way ...

I suppose the thing to do is not to rise to the bait (easier said than done) and leave them to deal with your 14mo while you concentrate on getting on your feet with your new baby ...

Good luck!!

Well this is easier said than done but something which came up in a training course I've been on to day at work was that if you cannot change somebody else's behaviour you can change your own reaction to it - e.g. recognise the point when you would normally get annoyed, and then distance yourself from what is going on, leave the room, tell yourself that if your FIL is a dick then that his problem, and you won't make it yours etc.

As I said, this is easier said than done but is an idea you could try.

Thank you for the posts. Yes it is not an ideal situation and coming home with new baby to all this is not what I wanted. But on a positive note it is their grandchild and a special time and it will be helpful to us. I just need to try to deal with all of the minor irritations and not let them get to me.

Distracting myself is the thing and stopping myself saying ANYTHING at that point because I know I say things in an arsey and aggressive way and it is totally counterproductive. I am working hard on keeping quiet!

Mainly you need to concentrate on the new baby & any time you can get with your dd while the PIL hold baby/cook dinner/etc.

but, could you almost slyly take the piss out of him?
say in that wipes example:
FIL: 'oh i always want wipes when going for a walk'
You: 'oh really, what for?'

or:
You: 'oh i know so do i, you never know when you might need a wipe!'

try and have some variation of a response ready for each time he winds you up.
maybe if he realises you are standing up to him, he'll back off?

I know that I have to manage my reponses - it is just difficult. one of the things he does - and it appears to be every time we see them is to say how my daughter has inherited her lovely disposition from my husband - the obvious implication being that my disposition is not nice. I will confront him if he says that again because it is every time and I am heartily sick of it. His mother very kindly called me a rotweiller the last time they were here - but hey that's a joke isn't it? I know I am being oversensitive but you get to the stage where you look for the slights and unfortunately they are there to be found.

One thing I am absolutely going to do is stop asking for their help and in return stop doing anything for them (I have spent the last 8 yrs arranging everyone of their trips/holidays spending hrs looking up hotels etc) and I am not going to do it anymore. I need to back off things and take the anger and frustration that I feel and that I know I project out of the situation.

I agree that everything little thing is petty on its own - but it is that accumulation that wears you down.

Just wanted to say that I think you're being a saint. I'd really go for the sarcastic angle if you feel comfy with that. You could wonder where on earth your dh inherited his sunny disposition - is he adopted by any chance? Maybe overstating it but I think you get the point. Another useful technique if someone says something unpleasant is to smile at them and ask why they said it. These are probably best used if you've tried avoiding him and need to say something.

I don't think you are being oversensitive with the examples you have given but I do know what you mean about looking for slights. When dd was a few months old my sil said in a litle group which included my mother that dd was bound to be bright as dh was so intelligent. She made a few other comments as well but not when I was there as I think she knows I'd pick her up on it.

I could go on for ever about all of this and I am trying to get it out of my system but I feel as if each visit is a battle - where virtually everything I say is contradicted and I just feel worn down by it. They never know when to butt out and not give their opinion and that's why I think that if I stop asking for their help then they have less chance to interfere. I just end up feeling like a kid being ridiculed so such stupid things like before we had children we went for a game of tennis - the four of us and it was a warm day in august and i took a bottle of water with me and all three of them (including my husband said why are you taking that, can't you survive 2 hrs without and drink? and I just want to scream F OFF! I am 37 for pity's sake leave me alone!

sorry - must stop now as I could rant forever!

Oh BB - poor you

It really does sound like they are too much to cope with.
The withdrawing plan does sound good. Myabe just hold it in your head that after this visit you won't be beholden to them and won't have to see them as much.

Deep breaths and lots of Rescue Remedy!