When the younger sibling gets all the attention

[DuffyFluckling]

I have a dd who is just 3 and a ds who is just 1.

Ds is a chilled, fat, smiley boy who waves and claps and gets cooed and clucked over wherever we go. People make such a fuss of him which is lovely, and he laps it up.

Poor dd is practically turning backflips to get some of the attention for herself. With friends and family it's fine because people are more even handed, but it's when we go to restaurants or shops or cafes that strangers make a bee-line for ds.

The trouble is that at 3 years old she is not sophisticated enough to think about what sort of attention she might like, so she hits or blows raspberries, or (quite logically) pretends to be a baby herself, none of which is particularly endering to people who don't know and love her.

I could have wept for her yesterday when an entire waiting room full of children at the paediatrician were queuing up to share their toys with ds, but snatching them away when dd tried to play too. She got more and more manic in her efforts to join in, poor lamb. She's quite immature socially anyway.

It's hard.

Aw, that's hard. Could you try including her in the conversation? So maybe 'hey, dd - the lady is smiling at your brother - say hello' and continuing to involve dd - 'oh he is smiley isn't he dd? he smiles at you when you x, doesn't he? (sort of forcing the issue... i think this is what i do)

tHAT'S more or less what I do.

The silly thing is that if anyone ever comes up to chat to her she scowls and blanks them. She hates talking to strangers.

Ahh, then that IS difficult. Dd is one of those who want to chat to everybody she sees. Think maybe you just have to carry on making a fuss of HER when out to overcompensate a bit/keep her focused, and hope she grows out of it?

Thank you Umlellala.

I think it's just unfortunate that ds is going through a particularly cute and winsome phase while dd is feeling a little bit awkward and jealous.

I'm sure I massively overcompensate. Sometimes I break out in a cold sweat thinking about the looming time when ds suddenly becomes aware that he's being hard done by, and starts demanding to be allowed to play with his own toys, or have first go on something. Argh.

The guilt. The premanent, free-floating guilt.

Can you get a family friend/ local teenager to watch DS for a couple of hours a couple of times a week so you can spend alone time with DD? maybe she's craving your attention more than random people she doesn't know

No family or spare teenagers unfortunately. Nice idea though .

I don't think one-to-one time with me is the issue - I am aware and make sure to spend special time with her.

She's going through a difficult phase.

Wow that is a hard one. I have a couple of not quite as flippant as they sound suggestions, see what you think.

Can you dress your DD in beautiful cute outfits and your DS maybe not quite so (also allow any disgusting things he rubs on his face to remain there. He's 1, he won't care)

You could also perhaps become temporarily a bit standoffish yourself, to discourage random stranger interaction. What they're doing is so unhelpful.

When my brother and I were that age and I started to grow hair, people started to comment all the time about my beautiful hair.

My brother took some cissors and cut all my hair off

Wallace !! Your poor mother.

MrsB those are both good suggestions. Dd needs no encouragement to wear a pretty dresses, and I'll start bribing her to have her hair done nicely maybe. You're right about it being more important to save dd's feelings than those of random strangers too.

You see up to that point, my brother had been the one with the beautful hair that people used to comment on. He was very blond, but I was blonder...

PS I can spell "scissors" honest