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Parenting

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Original poster

My son is being bullied by a neighbours child. What should I do?

19 replies

halfwaythere · 29/04/2009 11:11

Hi
We have a communal area right behind our house where all the local kids play. My seven year old son has always been popular with the other kids and used to love going out there. A few months ago an older boy (he's 9) moved in and he is a bully. He immediately cottoned onto the fact that my son (who was the oldest) was well liked and has gone about destroying his friendships. He started a gang (which my son wasn't allowed in) and won't let the other kids (who are much younger) play with my son or else they won't be in his gang. He is incredibly bossy and doesn't seem to know how to play. His games involve him barking instructions at the other kids who call him sir! I'm not kidding! It's like watching Hitler at play. It's a shame because before he arrived the kids used to climb trees, ride their bikes etc but all of that has stopped. He is very sneaky (i've witnessed him taking someones mobile phone and also coming into our garden when he thought we weren't in). I've now told both my kids I don't want them going out the back because he gets his 'henchmen' to do things to my son. Last night I witnessed him take my sons shoes and try to throw them over a fence and when my son tried to get them back he started screaming and saying he'd broken his arm and he was going to tell his Mum!!! He is the sort of kid who gets everyone to do his dirty work so he ends up looking 'clean' and acts perfect around adults (he doesn't know that I can see / hear what goes on from my kitchen window). It seems unfair that my kids have to miss out on playing out the back and they are very upset although they understand the reasons. I am loathe to speak to his Mum as she will not be receptive i.e. she thinks the sun shines out of his Any advice?

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 29/04/2009 11:14

God - that sounds terrible. If you think talking to the mother won't work, is it possible to have a subtle chat with the mothers of the other children? I would not be happy with an older child getting my children to call him "sir" and be unpleasant to another child. It may be that if other mothers see what is going on, you can come up with an alternative place for your children to play until this boy gets the idea that his behaviour won't be tolerated.

newgirl · 29/04/2009 11:14

that sounds such a shame

do you have your own garden that your could invite your son's friends to play in?

otherwise i think i would say something to the mum - trying to keep it very polite. but i doubt that would work very well. id be more inclined to take your child to do something else - play at home or join cubs etc

mrsmortenharket · 29/04/2009 11:15

oh cripes, i would've said to have a word with his mom but if she's not receptive maybe you could go and sit out there for a while with them? sorry not much more advcie as have to pick up dd from nursery! hope things go well xx

Original poster

halfwaythere · 29/04/2009 11:21

Hi Thanks for the advice so far. To be honest it's just helped to share what's happening with other people as it has really got me down over the last few days.

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 29/04/2009 11:22

Have you got any thoughts as to what you might do?

gigglinggoblin · 29/04/2009 11:26

I would say talk to the mum, if no joy go out there with your kids. If being watched doesnt put him off start inviting kids in to play, hopefully your son will get some of his mates back so when they play out again there will be fewer problems. Get him to set up his own gang and make super duper badges and stuff so they would rather play with him. If the other boy wants to join make sure you have a list of rules all gang members have to agree to!

I have spoken to a child who was having a go at my ds and it solved the problem instantly - however it was a gut reaction and if you think he will run to his mum and cause more problems it probably isnt the best option.

Merrylegs · 29/04/2009 11:27

Do you think he might not be so free with the dictatorship and 'sir' calling if he knew you could see him from your kitchen window?

I would be tempted to tap sharply on the glass if I saw some of the incidents you describe. It may make him think twice and take the wind out of his sails?

(Alternatively, do you know any friendly teenagers who might be able to show up and have a word?
A quiet "watch it" from a bigger kid often does the job!)

Tn0g · 29/04/2009 11:28

I feel very sorry for you and your son.

It's tricky isn't it? but I think I'd risk having a word with the mother.

tell her that you've witnessed the bullying and that you're very upset about it, wish it to stop and could she have a word with her child.

Does that sound confrontational?

It possibly will lead to some bad feeling but at least you'll have got it off your chest and maybe something will change, if the mother mulls things over and faces up to what she, probably, already knows deep down.

Original poster

halfwaythere · 29/04/2009 11:30

I've decided I'm going to speak to the other Mums. Up until now I haven't because, and maybe this sounds warped, I thought it was unfair on the bully because he might be ostracised and end up with noone to play with. Also, one of the Mum's is best friends with his mum which makes it very awkward. However, it's not just my son that's suffering. The kids aren't 'allowed' to play naturally and as you rightly point out he's teaching them to be nasty to others which isn't on. Plus perhaps he needs to see that there are consequences to what he's been doing.

OP posts:

Gorionine · 29/04/2009 11:32

Does the boy know that you are watching and still behave that way?

What about inviting the mum to your house so she can witness what her DS is really like (do not tell her that though).

newgirl · 29/04/2009 11:38

id talk to the bullys mum - not all the other mums - that is just gossiping. give her the chance to do something about it first.

Original poster

halfwaythere · 29/04/2009 11:41

Good point. I suppose I should speak to the mum first. To be honest I'm a bit intimidated by her (like mother / like son?) but it's got to the point where I feel I have to do something.

OP posts:

TsarChasm · 29/04/2009 11:47

I would have a chat with him actually in the first instance when you next hear him bullying your son.

I would go out and very nicely explain to him that you can hear exactly what has been going on as you can see and hear it all from your window, and that it will stop.

If he doesn't start playing nicely with your son and everyone come to that you'll have to speak to his mother and maybe other parents will have to as well.

Be specific and scrupulously nice so he can't find fault and say you were being horrible to him at all.

That will give him something to think about and if you do it in front of the other children they will all hear what was said. His power over everyone will deflate somewhat.

I honestly don't think it hurts for bullies to see that adults have witnessed what's going on and that those they are bullying have some back up.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 29/04/2009 11:51

I agree with tsarchasm- I would be watching and step in when you see the bullying happening, in a firm-but-friendly way. If he runs to his mum and she in turn comes to you, you then have the chance to explain calmly what you have witnessed and that you felt you couldn't ignore it. Good luck- this sounds horrible for you and your son.

Original poster

halfwaythere · 29/04/2009 11:54

To be honest I've avoided saying anything to him because I felt that it would make ME the bully and would give him another reason to resent my son. Also, felt i was chickening out by talking to him and not his scary mum. But you've made it sound like a reasonable thing to do.
So - plan of action!!!

Talk to the bully - very nicely - but explain that I won't tolerate his behaviour and that I'm watching him and will speak to his parents of it happens again.
If it continues, talk to his Mum (scary)
If it continues, mention it to other Mums

Thanks for very good advice. Have been going over similar ideas during the last few days but helpful to hear it from others - feel like I have permission to act!!!

OP posts:

TsarChasm · 29/04/2009 11:55

Yes good luck.

I did this the other day. My ds is 7 and an older boy of about 9 - again, like your ds, on a shared playing area - kept tipping him up and chuking him about and hurting him.

I had no idea this was going on, but when I found out because ds was crying, I spoke to the boy.

I was ever so nice about it. But he knew where I was coming from alright.

newgirl · 30/04/2009 14:38

sounds like a very sensible plan - im sure you will handle it very well - if you get nervous just remember that all the kids could well be happier when its sorted out including the boy causing the hassle

lunamoon2 · 30/04/2009 21:59

I really sympathise with you.
Hope all goes well x

CarolGarringsgate · 20/01/2020 20:08

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