Worried about my 5 year old...

[jellybabe83]

I'm actually up at 5 in the morning worrying about this, silly as it sounds!

My little boy started school in September. He's a lovely, well mannered little boy and from what the teachers tell me he's quite quiet at school. I know he's friends with quite a few children because they always say hello to him when I'm dropping him off.

Anyway, the main problem has been with the after school club he goes to twice a week when I'm at work. The last couple of weeks he's been telling me he doesn't want to go anymore because there are two older boys there (the ages range from 5 up to about 10 I think) who aren't very nice to him and push him around a bit. They persuaded him to tear up an invitation a little girl had given him last week. I know it's only a small thing, but he went along with what they said because he just wants to be liked... Ive decided to take him out of the after school club. Partly due to this issue and also the fact that I go on maternity leave anyway in two weeks. I was going to leave him there as he used to really love going but he just seems so miserable now It's actually breaking my heart thinking that a couple of older boys can have this effect on my little man!

So anyway, that issue will be sorted, but then yesterday morning he got really upset about going in to school saying he hasn't got any friends there and that people tell him he's not his friend... I really can't understand why this would be because he's always been so easy going and there's really nothing to like about him! I know i'm slightly biased, but it's true...
I just don't know what to do because I don't know whether it is a case of he doesn't have any friends at school anymore, or he's just saying this because he's upset by what's been happening at the other place.

I was bullied in high school and also recently have had a few issues with friends that have turned out to be not quite who they seemed and i guess this has made me worry even more that he may have the same problems.

Sorry for such a long post, but this is just really upsetting me and this is something I always dreaded happening

Frances
x

It must be a worry! Could you talk to his teacher and see how he really is during the day? Ditto the after school club to make them more vigilant to the other boys behaviour? You're probably right that the one thing is having a knock on effect on his confidence. These things can sort themselves out sometimes.

I worry about my 5 yo dd sometimes as she is a bit bossy and sometimes the others won't play.

Could you speak to his teacher about this? The school may operate systems to pair up children or have a 'lonely stop' in the playground where people who are feeling lonely hang out, and children are encouraged to go play with them.
The playground staff will probably be able to see what is happening relationship-wise between him and other children. Some schools have 'worry boxes' too- where children can put notes in about things that are bothering them (though not sure how this operates in reception, as they aren't writing much yet).

He may turn out to have difficulties making friends- it is something some of us struggle with all our lives (me included), but having a mum who is aware of the difficulties and can support him is a good step towards inner strength for him. I can fully understand how worrying this is for you.

There is a book here which may be of use to you- people on mn have recommended highly before. Whilst looking for the link I found this which might be more appropriate for looking at with your ds, and seems to have very positive reviews.

HTH

Oh bless him, and you!

My experience( of girls mind) at this age, and continuing is that friends change on a DAILY basis. I think that lots of little ones find school ok in lessons because it is structured, it is the play time bit that is hard. Even at this age it becomes who is popular and who is not. The hardest thing as parent is watching them go through it and finding all these things out. Luckily you have sorted the afterschool club problem for now and in all liklihood by the time he goes back he will not be one of the youngest anymore.

If you can now do the school pick up for a bit, you have a great chance to get him to point out to you in the playground who he likes. At this age, you could just strike up conversation with Mum of said child and invite them round afterschool for an hour. Or just pop a note in ds bag for other child's mum.

The other thing you could do is chat to ds about playtime and what he would like to do (rather than what did you do? answer is almost always "nothing"!)Then suggest ways he could join in or start a game instead. Failing all of the above- does the school have playground friends? my dds primary did this- it is like a bus-stop that you stand at if you have no one to play with and others invite you-playground supvisor sorts you out, that kind of thing.

And having done all of the above, my dds are now in Secondary School and all have a good core of nice friends.

Good luck with it all and new baby, enjoy-great time of year to have a baby

DS in reception too, and he's shifting friends all the time and it's a huge drama when they fall out or something goes a bit wrong for him. Am not saying there isn't a problem, more that there might not be. I know I've worried myself stupid on a couple of occasions, then found he's moved on and forgotten all about it . Do you think he could be a bit more needy because he senses the baby's coming? Might be a factor you never know. I'd try and have a quiet word with the teacher. It might put your mind at rest. He sounds like a lovely boy.

Hi
I went through a similar thing with my son in reception - not the problem with older boys - but with him thinking he had no-one to play with. Part of it was his perception of the situation (he is like me and can be over-sensitive to situations sometimes) and part of it was the fact that he was very young for his school year and probably not as emotionally mature as some of the others. I spoke to his teacher and she said he was a lovely boy and that other kids liked him but he was quite quiet sometime and he just hadn't quite found his feet yet.
In the end, i asked my son for a list of people he liked in the class and one by one we invited them round to play or arranged to meet them at the local park. This worked really well and gave him lots of confidence, I also made more of an effort to talk to the Mums of other boys in his class (despite being shy myself) and have invited a couple to BBQ's which has helped cement friendships. My son will be 8 in July and now has a big circle of friends and is very happy and confident.