Ignorent 10 year old - is this normal?

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My son is 10 and is very matter-of-fact about everything. He doesn't mince his words and is always himself, not a follower, not a leader ... a solitary creature lol

Anyway he can sometimes be quite rude to people and it's starting to concern me. For instance I've just looked at an msn conversation he had open ...

Friend = "Hi"
DS = "Busy"
Friend = "oh, just wondered if you fancied playing on world of warcraft"
DS = I'm blocking you"
Friend = "sorry, I'll leave you alone"
DS = "finally"

This is one of DS's best friends! Another example was on the way home from school, a girl in his class said "DS, what did you think to that work we had to do in ICT? I found it really hard"

So DS replied "yes, well you would. You're not very intelligent, are you?"

None of the kids ever seem shocked by the stuff he says to them so I think he must be like this at school too.

How do I tell him to get his head out of backside and be nicer to people?

He doesn't have many friends at the best of times and he's quite nasty to the ones he does have.

I don't feel very wise this evening so not sure what to say but I am interested to keep an ear onto the thread because DS(9) can also be quite self-centred and lacking in empathy.

I wonder if you could spot an opportunity to intervene by asking the other child (object of your child's arrogance) how they felt about what he has said (ideally within earshot of your DS). This might help your DS realise what effect his words have on others.

He sounds exactly like a friend of my ds.

The boy I know is rude and arrogant to both his peers and to adults - it drives me nuts but my ds seems to really like him

I think 10 year olds do vary enormously with regard to how much empathy they have - my DS2 really struggles to put himself in someone else's shoes, but then he has a diagnosis of Dyspraxia with some AS tendencies. When DS1 was that age he was incredibly sensitive to other people's feelings.

I have to say that I don't think your DS sounds like he has a normal level of empathy. Quite what you do about it is another thing altogether. Sometimes schools have a Parent Support Adviser attached (they will be the PSA to a whole cluster of schools) - you could ask for her/his number from the school, and have a chat about your concerns.

Hassled, that's interesting because DS has dyspraxia too.

He's been in friendship groups at school but he told them he didn't want to go as "if people don't like me, that's their problem, not mine" etc.

The teachers say he's quite happy being unpopular but that's not exactly great!

There are a lot of overlaps between Dyspraxia and AS - it does affect social skills quite profoundly.

My approach with DS2 is a lot of pointing out the bleeding obvious - i.e. if you say X to Y, how do you think Y will feel? Will he feel happy? Do you want Y to feel unhappy? and so on and so on. He's getting there - but as with much of Dyspraxia, it's instinctive for others but not for him. He has to learn social skills and empathy in the same way he had to learn to catch a ball.

Weirdly I actually used to work with someone a bit like this!

I found him very difficult but he was popular and known as a "no nonsense" type.

So maybe it takes all sorts.

Perhaps when he's like this when you're there, looking surprised and saying "that wasn't a very nice thing to say" will make him think about it.

Does he mind not having many friends? If not, then frankly I'd probably leave him to it. If he does, maybe it's time for a clear chat where you say "people don't tend to like people who aren't polite and friendly" and give him some examples of his behaviour.

My ds (coming up 10) has problems with anger at the moment and is emotionally/socially immature (there were previous AS concerns and he is dyslexic) he can be lovely, but is still much more self centred that you would expect for his age. We've tried to give him strategies for situations he is not good at. Would it help to give your ds some ideas about handling what to him might be difficult situations (stock phrases etc)?

He might just be happy with his own company and not care too much about whether or not he has friends (indeed he might find them an active nuisance if he is very introverted). But he still needs to learn how to be polite. You might want to adopt a no tolerance position on being rude (I'm trying this with ds who is currently yelling at people at the slightest provocation) and make him say nicer things/apologise. Although that could be counterproductive I guess - ds got very mad at me tonight because "I was calming down" apparently is a good response when being told off for yelling at his sister for not turning the TV off when asked (ds was told to do the asking). Not sure the talk on counting to three and then being very clam really sank in!

sounds like he is at an age when you need to address this- when does he go to Secondary School? Could be a major issue ahead if he is moving from a group that has known him since 5 to a different setting.

I think that I would start reflecting his behaviour back to him and questioning it. I am sure he doesn't behave like this to you, else you would have dealt with it before. Maybe get a broader picture from teacher etc before deciding on a course of action ( re comment to girl- maybe it is not cool to be nice/civil to the opposite sex? immature showing off etc!)