Really concerned I'm a bad parent - help!

[innerturmoil]

I have 3 dc, aged 2,4 and 6. Currently I work 1 day a week to keep myself sane. Increasingly I'm finding it harder and harder to be around my children and have fun with them. My guilt about that only makes it worse. I love them so much but I feel like I've run out of ideas of what to do with them, and perhaps I'm just very bored with being a parent. Have spent most of the last 7 years being a full-time mum and still don't feel particularly 'qualified' to do the job. DH works very hard so doesn't see me with them much, but he knows I am not coping well and feel like some days go by when I'm just cross, moody with the kids and can't wait for bedtime.

Also find it hard to make 'mum' friends at school. When I do make an effort with people it's almost as if they have forgotten me the next day. I'm normally a very outgoing person but feel like I'm out of my league in the playground.

Clearly this is making me very distressed, and no doubt more grumpy than usual with my lovely children. Does anyone else ever feel like they are going mad?

Can't really talk about this in RL

Gosh - well done to have coped with it all for nearly 7 years and three children!

I only have 2 children (DD1 is 2.7yo and DD2 is 4mo) and I still wake up each morning thinking 'oh, not again!'

I am on maternity leave and counting the time until I go back to work.

I do love my girls and know it is very special for me to spend this time with them. I just don't think that I am the SAHM type and appreciate what you say about the school gate.

I find staying home is a constant challenge - the house work doesn't get done but then I worry too that i am not paying enough attention to the girls. It is a never ending merry-go-round and I have to say that both my girls are generally easy going.

I don't have any answers - could you work more? Do you get out to see friends without your children? Could you get some childcare to give yourself a couple of child-free hours every so often? - but I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one who feels this way.

that is exactly how i am feeling at the minute only i couldnt have put it into words the way you have. will watch with interest as i would like to break this cycle aswell.

I only had two dcs and could have written your post a couple of years ago. It's exhausting, isn't it, when you have little or no help, few if any friends and spend all day with toddlers? And I don't deal with exhaustion/teletubbies well. I get grumpy too.

Two days a week at work and MN saved my sanity, grabbing a little time here with other (nearly)grownups, when none could be found in real life. Playgrounds are a political nightmare, as lots of threads on here will testify! (It helps, I found, when you can volunteer to help out a bit, but that gets much easier once the kids are a bit older.)

Treating myself to an early night once a week (8pm in bed - 8.05 asleep) helped me enormously. It's amazing how 10 hours sleep can make the world look a better place!

And 'You' time is important, too, as no doubt others will point out. Can you find something small which is a treat for you? A weekly bath, with candles and a magazine? Or maybe you could join a book club or swimming class. It's a good way to meet other people, without children in tow, and with the book club particularly, you only have to go out once a month, but have the book to read in the interrim. I found it really helpful in getting me started back into some degree of grownupness!

HTH. I'm sure that others will be along with other ideas for you.

btw you are NOT a bad parent.

Thanks Dysgu, just hearing that makes me feel a bit better. I guess I could work a bit more but I feel guilty about being away from the little one, when the others have had a lot of my time at the same age. (Not that they will ever remember of course!!!)

Today has not been a good day. All 3 were at home this afternoon and I just hid in the kitchen doing housework and let them play. When they started getting bored with one another I put a film on. Then felt guilty about that.

(And you don't sound like a bad parent to me. Just a tired, and very normal one!)

And do try not to be put off by watching other parents who seem to find it easier and more fun than you. They just show up more! There are lots of people who just muddle along, doing the best that they can - quite a few of them on MN

I feel like that too. DD is 18mo and I work 3 days, I wouldn't want to be at home any more, and feel guilty because my dd is gorgeous, but I get so bored! I have only had one night since she was born when I had a decent amount of sleep (no idea why I'm still up, think it is making the most of time away from her) and that doesn't help

I don't think you are a bad parent, I think you need to rebalance things.

notquitegrownup that is good advice, thank-you I may look at some of that..

I was particuly grumpy today, I think it was the rain.

you are not a bad parent, you are normal. I have two 11 year old 'teen' hormonal girls, and a tantruming 2 year old...with the four of us we could be heard in neighbouring towns
Not much advice except hang in there. It's frustrating when you are expected to be an all-singing, all-dancing constant source of entertainment. A good lesson to teach your kids is that they will not get entertainment on tap - they have to do it themselves sometimes (alot of the time if any housework or mumsnetting is going to get done!).
i really hope that doesn't sound as patronising as i think it might...if so it wasn't intentional!

You do sound low It's fine to let the dcs watch a film! And if you have 3 dcs who can play happily together whilst you get on with something else, then you are doing a great job. However, it's not fine for you to feel so low. You sound as if you really really need a break/a treat.

Can you plan something just for yourself? Is there anyone who could help you out for an hour or two? Or if you are stuck, can you make watching a film something that you all do together - a special event, snuggled up on the settee together? (Sainsbury's popcorn is great at 99p for a huge bag, or a punnet of strawberries chopped up, to last longer) And if you go to the library to borrow a DVD, you can spend the morning going to choose it, and the afternoon watching it - one of the NQGU family favourite activites!

You sound like me, so must be reassuringly normal Being a mum is a really hard job because it is so relentless and, at times, quite lonely unless you happen to be surrounded by family, so cut yourself some slack, I bet you're doing a great job.

Being a bit grumpy is allowed too you know! I read somewhere that parenting magazines and programmes don't help as they set an expectation of perfection and being in a state of perpetual maternal bliss and we feel dissatisfied when of course we're not.

Ime it's important to learn to savour the good bits along the way or once you've sat down in an exhausted heap after the kids are in bed to remember 'what's been the good bits about today?' - like dd telling me "I love you, blue kangaroo', despite the fact she grizzled throughout dinner. And I don't know any parent who doesn't long for bedtime to roll along.

Also just because you happen to breed within a certain geographical distance as other women doesn't automatically bond you together - I have much more in common, as you would expect really, with my work colleagues than the mums I'm on nodding acquaintance with at the school gate. Friendships might arise from there but I'm not going to beat myself up if they don't.

Would you want to work more than 1 day a week once your youngest gets their nursery allocation/starts school?

You're not a bad mum!

I am achingly bored at home after 4 years as a SAHM. I've got a gorgeous, bright but very demanding 4 yr old DS and a 6 mth old DD (angelic, but all the demands of a baby...phew!) who I adore, but it's like groundhog day being at home with them all day every day. I hate M&T groups and that whole park-playground-baby group network and long for some more stimulation. I often feel grumpy and like I just want the day to end so I can go to bed .

Mind you, I'll probably get back to work and then moan that I am tired and over stretched

Thanks for all the words of advice - didn't think I was going to get any responses!!

Just wish there was a way I could get up with a smile on my face and have at least one morning a week when I was happy, friendly and fun to be around until at least 10am!

I have found that things are worse when I don't have anything planned so am trying to make an effort to put things in the diary.

Wonderstuff - I know what you mean, I stay up far too late, just wallowing in the time when I am not (really) responsible for anyone. Have had 2 glasses of wine tonight as well, having promised myself not to drink Mon-Wed. More guilt......

To me you sound like almost every mum I've ever met, when they've had a few drinks and are being a bit honest! There are a few who adore every second with young children and have the energy to put all their good intentions to use every day.

My advice :

• early night once / twice a week - kids are exhausting
• have an afternoon nap if you can ( you can see I like my sleep!)
• find something for you - a book club, an evening course, a monthly piss up with your mates
• accept that you need some time to yourself - even if just a cup of tea and some time to mumsnet
• kids just want you around. You don't have to be making scale models of the Palace of Versailles after school. Follow their lead. If they fancy a film, turn the lights off, make some popcorn and sit back and relax. Let the kids be bored - they work through it and then start to use their imaginations
• Ignore all housework until they are at least 35.
• I have some index cards that my SIL gave made me for when I am really desperate. They each have a game or activity on it that we can do with very little prep. It's pot luck what we pick. Some are awful but we've also had fun making a den out of duvet covers, drawing round ourselves on lining paper and making collages, putting on the radio and doing the silliest dances we can

I LOVE the idea about going to bed at 8pm Notquitegrownup - I haven't done that for years!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel in that come September my little one will have 2.5 hours at nursery, the middle one half a day at school and the eldest one a full day. So I'll have time on my own every day, which hopefully will give me time to re-charge. Am enrolling on the Open University so will have that to give me something else to focus on.

And on that note I am going to go to bed. Have a day tomorrow that I am currently dreading. DH is away with work, and little one is likely to wake me up around 5ish, or one of her siblings.

Any mantras or hints for being positive gladly welcomed. Also feel I need to bite the bullet at school and somehow break through the bullshit and make some friends there. Any advice on that also would be well received.

Thanks MNers, you have brought a tear to my eye with your generosity of time. x

"Today has not been a good day. All 3 were at home this afternoon and I just hid in the kitchen doing housework and let them play. When they started getting bored with one another I put a film on. Then felt guilty about that".

Why was this not a good day, OP? Sounds like a perfect day, to me. The kids were happy and playing together; then they watched a film and were happy. All WITHOUT YOU. You are NOT their constant source of entertainment; they have to be happy entertaining themselves and they also have to learn to be bored sometimes. The main thing is they were happy. What more could you ask for? Lots of Mums would LOVE their siblings to play together happily and give them a bit of peace, honestly.
You are being far too hard on yourself; you're doing a grand job, lass.

Gateau I feel bad about it because I know I am actively finding ways not to spend time with them (obviously I am in the house with them) but I am in such a strange head-space at the moment and have so little patience that I would rather be playing scrabble on the internet than playing a game with the kids. And that makes me feel bad.

This morning I am literally climbing the walls. All 3 were up and playing at 5:45. At one point they went downstairs - I heard them but too late. 2yo had squeezed an entire bottle of fairy liquid down the sink...... She then tipped a whole bowl of cereal on the floor at breakfast time. When they wouldn't get their shoes on to go to school I screamed like an absolute madwoman. This morning I have to attempt a hospital appointment (for me) with the 2 younger ones with me. Am worried when the doc asks me how I am that I may just end up howling and climbing onto his lap.

Love the idea of the index cards SM. That would be my final hint. Have a few activities written down/planned to break up the day, so that you are not wondering "What shall we do now?" You don't have to use them, but they are there if you need them. You can fold them up in a box and have a "lucky dip" (Also put away all toys in large plastic boxes, if you can, so that getting them out is a treat, and can be added to the list):

Walk to the park/feed ducks
Build a den under the kitchen table
Tidy up time
Make cakes/jelly/decorate biscuits
DVD time
Snack time
Papier mache making/painting
Play dough
Bubble bath in the middle of the day!
Lego/duplo time
Washing up/water play
Treasure hunt
Leaf hunt/welly walk
Face painting (we bought a brilliant set for £1.99 which lasted for years!)
Trip to the library/swim

(Wish I'd been organised to do this when mine were littlies! )

I thought one of the best reasons for having more than one child was so that they can play together.
I think now there is too much emphasis on mothers providing entertainment for their dear DC I bet most of the mothers on here remember being left to their own devices for play during their childhood.

IT - know exactly what you mean about the internet. Playing games is intellectually stimulating and you can actually win. You can't with the kids!

It sounds as if you have got really low and need not just one, but several 8pm nights/long bubble baths/good books/a girly night out . . . a break and a boost for you. You can only keep giving to the kids if you top up your batteries, you know, and they sound as if you are running pretty low on energy at the moment. Early mornings are a killer. Does your dh leave for work early too, or could he help out a bit more, and let you get the occasional lie in?

As you say, you will get more of a break in September. Try to treat yourself now, however - a little something every day - even if to an extra bar of chocolate if you can. Do the kids go to bed early, since they are up so early? If so, can you also treat your dh to a special meal/snuggly night on the sofa with a good DVD? (I found that mine was more likely to give me a treat/look above all of the mess, if I remembered to give him a little TLC too. It's so easy to get into a rut of exhaustion and just doing the minimum, with exhausting little ones.)

Ultimately, if this feeling drags on, do think about talking to your GP/health visitor. I lived with low grade depression for years, and wish I'd sought help sooner. It doesn't have to mean years of anti-d's, but maybe someone just to listen and to suggest a short term way of lifting yourself/gaining a bit more zing again.

And remember, this is a phase. It will pass . . . .

Best of luck

"I think now there is too much emphasis on mothers providing entertainment for their dear DC I bet most of the mothers on here remember being left to their own devices for play during their childhood."

I couldn't agree more, libra.
We mothers are our own people and we have our own lives and our own things to do. Our children have to realise that and either learn how to play by themselves or be bored. Not all the time, obviously.
My two-year old DS doesn't play by himself for too long but I hope he does it more as he gets older. I do put the telly/dvds on for him in the morning as it's the only time I can get housework done, showered etc. I work 3 days a week and I need this time to sort out the house - and my head! I know a lot of people won't put the telly on and instead have their children clinging to them and then complain they get nothing done. What good does that do anyone?; instead it may cause a nervous breakdown somewhere down the line. We can not be EVERYTHING AT ALL TIMES to our children. It's not natural, or a good thing that they are part of - and expect to be part of - everything we do.

notquitegrownup, do you think this sounds like depression? I feel exactly the same way as innerturmoil. I'm so over being a SAHM too, its driving me nuts and i feel i'm suffering burn out or something along those lines.
I've been at home for 3 years, my kids are 4 and 2, i love them to bits, and have always been told i'm a great Mum.
But right now i honestly feel like i HATE being a Mum. Well, just to my 4 year old to be honest, the 2 year old is at a great stage. the 4 year old argues with me all day long and wont listen to reason anymore, and it just exhausts me, I yell at times and then i feel depressed that i;m a bad Mum. I feel like tearing my hair out sometimes when he just keeps yelling at me, i just want to run out the door and get away from him. Not straight away, i keep calm and do all the right things but then after maybe 10 minutes of him yelling i just snap and yell. So over it and not sure what to do.