How old should DS be when I let ex have him overnight?

[LibertyCat]

My DH walked out when I was pregnant - wanted our son just not me. I've allowed him visits once a fortnight for half a day since DS's birth but now he's pushing to take him for a weekend. I said no to a whole weekend but I'd consider letting him have him overnight if he stayed in nearby B&B so I was on hand. DS is only 11 weeks now (& bottle fed). We're going through a divorce so I'm keen to keep it amicable (on the surface, inside I wish DH was dead!) and don't want custody to become a big issue. DS has stayed overnight at my mum's twice as he's v used to her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If you've allowed your mum to have him overnight then I don't think there's any reasonable argument not to allow your ex - ds's father - to have him overnight.

He has a right to spend time with his child, probably more than you're 'allowing' at the moment. Your ds also has a right to form a bond with his father.

Perhaps organise a full days visit, then if your ex feels he can cope an overnight. Does he have sleeping arrangements sorted out? I would perhaps write out ds's routine and hand it over as a guide rather than instructions.

Do you really wish your child's father was dead?

He should be allowed to have more access to his child. Half a day once a fortnight? How do you expect him to be able to get used to his dad if that is all he gets?

once every 2 weeks for a couple of hours - that's quite sad for the father. I'm not separated but I think it's in your son's interests to up the contact with his dad so they can start to bond and get to know each other.

No, 11 weeks is much too young for an overnight with a person he doesn't know very well. However, his father should be able to see him at least twice a week and get to know him better. Setting aside your feelings about the father as your XP, how is he with DS? Does he seem kind and competent with a small baby? Has he got, for instance, his own mother nearby?
It;s good to keep things amicable if you can, especially when it comes to the rest of the family (ie grandparents etc) who your DS will have a right to know and will benefit from knowing. It's perfectly understandable that you feel bad about the end of your marriage, but once you start treating your XP as 'co-parent' rather than 'XP' you will soon start to see him in that light and it will all get easier.

I have to agree with the rest, I may find it a bit difficult to leave a baby that age overnight with other people (including my mother!!!).

However, half a day once a fortnight it's far too little. How can they bond and he be a responsible father if he can only get "glimpses" of what being a father means?

Th more time they spend together the more likely they can build a relationship that will continue well into the future. The less time... well, you know...

Must admit I would have been nervous about leaving my ds overnight when he was 11 weeks old, but would have tried hard as its important he bonds with his dad.

Does ex stay a long way away, is that why visits are only every two weeks?

you need to build p the contact before he stays wth xp overnight. as long as you have no concens over babys welfare while with xp ( and i assume you dont otherwise you would have mentioned) then i think its reasonable for him to have baby overnight. your xp could be your greatest ally when it comes to raising your son, if you make him a co parent then he will be able to step in when your finding things difficult, but i would definitely build up the contact before an overnight stay for bot their sakes. baby needs to be comfortable with dad and dad needs to learn babys temperament and routine in order for things to go as smoothly as possible. which is what you want for your son.

Hey - hang on a minute for all those saying I should 'allow' more time - my ex originally only wanted to see him once a month and I negotiated it up! He also moved 250 miles away so he only comes for 1/2 a day because he drives here and back in a day. He also didn't want to be at the birth but I encouraged him (even though he was by that point openly with his mistress). God - I thought this was a supportive forum!

Libertycat - you didn't mention any of that in your op -if you HAD of - responses might have been a bit different. Not having all the facts makes a difference don't you think!

It is a supportive forum but you can hardly blame people for offering their views, particularly when you did not share some relevant information about you negotiating contact up.

I hope you work things out.

LC: your opening post does rather suggest that it is you who are restricting contact, we can only go on what you write.
But 11 weeks is WAY too young to be 250 miles away from you overnight. Your XP will have to make more of an effort. Why is he asking for weekends if he only wants to see his son once a month, anyway? Is he one of these men who use access as a away of tormenting their DC's mother?

Hey yourself! We were going on what you put in your OP. This is a supportive forum but we can't mindread.

FBG - I didn't write my entire history because I simply wanted advice on the age of a child to stay overnight with an absent parent whose not put in that much of an effort so far. I didn't expect condemnation and judgement from other mothers. But thank you to those with more constructive advice.

Fine.