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Original poster

URGENT : children having bottoms touched

28 replies

tummytickler · 25/04/2009 17:43

Hi all
I dont know if i am massively over reacting or if this is totally normal - havent told dh yet as he is out and will hit the roof.
dd(nearly 8) and ds (6) are very friendly with the 8 1/2 year old boy next door and i am with his mother. DCs and i popped out and they told me about the secret club they have with this boy.
Apparently to be allowed in you have to pull your trousers and pants down and let him touch your bottom, he has done it more than once to both dc's.
I am beside myself and dont know what to do next.
Dc's didnt know why i was upset - the boy clearly knows it is wrong as he told them not to tell.
Is this normal behaviour between children - should i be worried , what shall i do???7
Feel sick to my stomach.

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Flightattendant25 · 25/04/2009 17:45

This sounds very normal actually but you would probably be right to have a little word with his mum and say you're not comfortable with it.

It's something most kids will do at some stage and if it isn't against their will that's even more likely it was innocent.

Calm down

ShowOfHands · 25/04/2009 17:47

Normal curiosity but just have a quiet word with the Mum. Please don't worry. It's good that they openly told you.

holdingittogether · 25/04/2009 17:49

I think it sounds like normal child like stuff to me. Yes he knows it's wrong but he will not know why it's wrong. I would do nothing more than have a chat with my own dcs about private parts of your body and how you mustn't let anyone touch them etc etc. Boys of that age can be very very silly and daring someone to show you there bum is very funny to them at that age.

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holdingittogether · 25/04/2009 17:50

their bum , sorry.

Original poster
tummytickler · 25/04/2009 17:52

Thank you - i did have a chat to dc's and explained that some peoples intentions arent so innocent etc. Crikey! I just feel horrible - should i phione dh and tell him? he is out and wont be back til morning.

OP posts:
Flightattendant25 · 25/04/2009 17:54

No, no need - it is probably a rare child who doesn't encounter this kind of thing (or indeed actively take part!)

You'd be right to panic if it were an adult. Another small child is nothing out of the ordinary.

Hope you feel better soon x

MuffinBaker · 25/04/2009 17:57

I think you should tell his mum.

He has planned something.
Asked your kids not to tell.

MadamDeathstare · 25/04/2009 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flightattendant25 · 25/04/2009 17:59

Muffinbaker I think you are making it sound overly sinister - what would you have happen to the boy?

They all do it

They aren't unusual or evil, just children experimenting and exploring their sexuality.

MuffinBaker · 25/04/2009 18:00

My son is 8 and if he did this i woul dbe having words. but then idoratsot

Flightattendant25 · 25/04/2009 18:00

sorry what was the last word there?

MuffinBaker · 25/04/2009 18:00

ok, but mine haven't and i don't think it is right jmo.

Flightattendant25 · 25/04/2009 18:01

No mine neither and tbh I will prob freak when they do

MuffinBaker · 25/04/2009 18:02

i do over react about that sort of thing

i just think at that age they should know about personal body space.

he told not to tell so he knows it is wrong

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 25/04/2009 18:03

It isn't sinister - the boy is only 8, not 18, and children (boys AND girls) do often go through a stage of being fascinated by bodies. And some children do like to assert their will over others. However, if your DC aren't happy you need a quiet word with the boy's mum, and some gentle reassurance to your DC that they don't have to show people their bums, that it;s OK to say no etc.

spicemonster · 25/04/2009 18:05

This is very common but I would probably tell his mum so that she can have a word with him. I'd also tell your children that they never have to do anything they don't want to do. In some ways, it does give you a bit of an in to talk about bodies and how they're important and we shouldn't let other people touch them unless we want them to without having to talk about sinister bogey men.

Original poster
tummytickler · 25/04/2009 18:11

Dc's didnt seem to think it mattered. DD was genuinely shocked when i said it must not happen again, she didnt feel it was wrong and she said that it wasnt like a stranger because he was a friend - so i was grateful to have that chance to say it doesnt matter who it is your bottom is for you and only you etc etc.
Ds told me about it, i dont think he is as comfortable with it because he know denies it, butt dd maintains its truth!
Dh will be furious if i dont tell him so i think i will have to. I will try and talk to his mother tonight i think - even if it is normal i really dont like it, and that it is supposed to be a secret.
I also dont want to over react because i want dc's to be able to tell me stuff wothout thinking i am going to fly off the handle!
Thanks for all your input i am really grateful. I have to do supper and bathe younger dcs now - i will be back later

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prettyfly1 · 25/04/2009 18:13

I think there is a certain amount of natural experimentation going on here - a lot of kids show each other their bits etc as part of the growing and learning process. I think the advice to tell his mum is spot on - dont make a big deal of it as she will probably be mortified, just position it as a childish game between them, say you are speaking to yours and could she have a chat with hers. I certainly dont think there is anything sinister about it but once you have asked it to stop then if it still continues you will need to take it further.I also think spices advice about avoiding sinister bogeymen is good - children are only children for so long and you need to make them aware whilst still protecting their innocence as much as possible. What is great is that they felt comfortable talking to you!!

Original poster
tummytickler · 25/04/2009 18:18

Ok - dd just said thank you for being nice when she told me as she was embarassed. I said of course, you can always tell me anything, no need to be embarassed, blah, blah, blah.
She then says she loves this bioy and they had a kiss (just a long peck on the lips).
WTF!!! This didnt happen when i was 7/8.
What the hell am i going to do - a boyfriend at school is one thing - they never see each other - but kissing the boy next doo??
I am not happy about this - what would you do??

OP posts:
MuffinBaker · 25/04/2009 18:22

Who initiated the kiss?

shonaspurtle · 25/04/2009 18:27

I think (remembering my own childhood ) that this is the age for show-me-yours-I'll-show-you-mine. I have memories of behind my 9 year old next door neighbour's shed. Wasn't any touching but a lot of sniggering.

Also at around 8 me and my friend drew a "tattoo" on her 6 year old sister's bottom (as part of a larger ballpoint pen tattoo game). We thought it was hysterically funny. We thought it was less funny when she proudly showed her mum and we were in Big Trouble.

We would have been perfectly capable of forming a club where the secret password would have been some sort of rudeness. Wouldn't have been at all sinister, just puerile interest in the humour of bums.

Nighbynight · 25/04/2009 18:28

re the bottom touching, I would not let my children play with this boy any more.
It is often encountered behaviour (although 8 1/2 is getting old enough to know its wrong), but that doesnt mean that your children have to be on the receiving end of it.

re the kissing, ex h has always laid down a "no boyfriends" line with our dds, who consequently think kissing boys is unsuitable for their age. I am fine with this, as they are still children, and dont need to be having boyfriends. A lot depends on the propaganda they get from you.

Original poster
tummytickler · 25/04/2009 18:40

DD has never expressed an interest of boys like that - i have always maintained boys and girls are equal so it is fine to be friends with both, play football or dolls with both or whatever!
We certainly think 8 is too young, but i am scared that laying down the law might make them secretive so i dont know which is th ebest way to play it.
I have never heard her talk like this before - it is completely ouytof the blue so i dont know if she is being coerced?

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chegirl · 25/04/2009 18:57

I agree that its common behaviour but in younger children.

I have been through the 'kissing bums and willies' thing with a couple of my boys and their friends/cousins. It was all perfectly innocent and silly but they were 4 or 5. I think over 8 is a bit old if this boy has no learning difficulties.

I would have a word with his mum but in a non confrontational way. I would like to know if my son was doing this.

joshhollowayspieceofass · 25/04/2009 19:11

I think this is totally normal and very common, but I'll add my experience in case it helps.

When I was probably about 6, and 8 year old girl (neighbour) had a gang that involved allowing her to touch your "front bottom". I did not like it at all, but another girl, older than me, younger than her let her do it so I felt I had to too.

I never told anyone, and to be honest, to this day, it does make me feel a bit sick to think about it. I think the point is, they might not be that bothered about it, but you're right to say something and nip it in the bud because they're old enough to remember it happened to them when they're older, and they'll be much better equipped to not dwell on it because they felt confident enough not to keep it a bit of a dirty secret (I'm using that word, because actually that's how I felt about it). I'm not saying I'm hung up on it now, but do I wish it hadn't happened? Yes, most definitely. It did feel scary at the time and looking back on it my attitude to it is definitely that I was abused by her - in that it was an abuse of power and an invasion of my privacy. It made me confused - gave me confusing feelings.