I smacked DD1s bottom!!! Feel like shit and know I deserve to! How do I make sure it doesn't happen again?

[CrapolaMama]

My poor little DD, she's only 3.6! She was fighting with dd2, who is 2.4 for about the 5th time. They've started getting quite physical, wrestling, pushing, pinching, slapping etc, and won't stop when asked,which isn't a surprise given their ages. Anyway this evening, I'd got dd1 ready for a bath, i.e. naked, and she started fighting with dd2, and I saw red, and slapped her bottom. She was horrified.
I apologised later and she was very sweet about it and said it didn't hurt anynmore.

None of this is helped by the fact that I have a 3 week old baby. This must have caused disruption to dds, even though they are absolutely mad about him and lovely to him all the time.
I have never considered smacking before, and really don't want to ever do it again, and I know it's not right to use it as an excuse, but obviously a newborn is taking its toll on me and my temper too.

Help. I don't want to be like this.

You have 3 kids under 3 1/2 - you deserve a medal the size of a frying pan.

Take them out tomorrow and buy ice-cream, have an extra big one yourself, and think about it no more!

Taking its toll is a byword for me as I'm a pacifist stay at home Dad alone in Germany. I have two - girl 5 boy 3. Boy has scratched me in the face few times and has earned a pop on the bum not thru discipline but cos it simply hurts. Otherwise I never do it. Yes I get guilty feelings later too.

ah, thanks for that, it's just raised a smile, and a giggle from dh too.
I'm really dwelling on it and can't stop thinking about her little face, shocked, and violated! It wasn't even that hard really, but must have stung a bit. I think I'm punishing myself hoping that it will stop it happening again.

sorry x posts geordie and Jeremy. thank you for replies.
Am liking ice cream idea.

and also... watch this

this

Don't beat yourself up. It is a very trying age and Portobaby got a couple of smacked bottoms too during that period. I don't like it either, but I had occasions where she would kick me repeatedly in th face, and after 3 warnings it was the ONLY thing that worked.

You have an awful lot on your plate and you need reassurance that it's ok to slap your child when in this day and age it isn't.

So, first of all, congratulations on the birth of your baby, you saw red, that's human and dc are designed to make you see red at times, why? Who knows.

Anyway, you know you don't want it to happen again and you probably already know your dc will smack in their attacks on others if they see parents doing it, it normalises it.

Sorry you are feeling so bad but I'd be more worried about someone who can't admit they've hit their kids than someone who has.

Bring bed times earlier, insist on 'quiet time' before bed time (for you and for them) and try to share bed times with a partner if you can.

Fighting is exhausting for parents. Maybe you can introduce a sticker chart for who can be the quietest mouse, for helpfulness and kindness to others etc.

Tiredness and hunger seem to be the biggest triggers of sibling squabbling so get strategies in place to minimise these stressful times.

Good luck and don't worry, it's a difficult phase you're going through.

thanks kidowner. You're right about the tiredness (mine too!) but dd2 is cutting out daytime sleeps, and dd1 could really do with a power nap between 4 and 5, but if I let her, she's not tired at bed time. A catch 22, which won't last forewver. I'd make bedtime half an hour earlier for both of them, but If they go too early they get up too early! Aaahhhh! Sorry about this, I'm thinking aloud.
I think it might help if they sat down for night time milk befroe bath, they're both fussy eaters and often eat precious little for dinner, and I think you're right about the hunger thing.
I completely agree that parents smacking children normalises/validates smacking. The hypocracy really jarred earlier when I was telling them that they shouldn't smack, after I'd done it myself.

Sticker chart good idea too. They love sticker charts!
Thank you.

*hypocrisy

I discussed smacking with DS2's paediatrician, who is also the local child protection expert. I have smacked my kids from time to time - not often, and not always to great effect, but I was usually tired or hormonal at the time, and they were being particularly dreadful.

The paediatrician reckoned nearly all parents lose their rag from time to time, and the odd smack is not a big deal in the bigger scheme of things. The way she put it was that she comes across two types of parents in her work; at the child development clinic she sees parents who are desperate to do the best by their children. In her child protection work she sees some of the very worst of selfish human nature. If you are the former type of parent, then that is good enough, she thinks.

You sound like the former kind of parent to me, so I'd have a big ice cream as geordieminx suggests, and then all move on.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Yes better not to do it but it does happen sometimes and it really isn't going to scar her for life.

My mum and dad are the best parents that anyone could wish for and they smacked me and my sister from time to time (very close in age and always fighting too!) A generation ago smacking was the norm and no one thought twice about it.

Anyway, they are bound to be a bit unsettled by the new arrival but it is probably a good idea to make sure that you don't only focus on the negatives, make sure that they are getting lots of attention for being good as well as for fighting.

Well, we are only human. If we get it right 99% of the time that has to count for something IMO.

Thanks for posts, it's really helpful and nice to hear I'm not alone. BoffinMum, I think that what you've said will stay with me. I do definitely fall in to the former catagory. It's so helpful to remember something as simple and seemingly obvious as that. It's really struck a chord, and at risk of sounding a bit twatty, I'm going to try to form the concept in to a simple mantra to help me keep my cool?! God, that does sound twatty, I hope you know what I mean! Thank you.

When I think back on how my Mum was as a parent, I remember lots of shouting and anger, and I do NOT want that to be my dcs abiding memory of my parenting, especially when I do so many lovely things with them and have so much fun with them. Maybe my Mum did the same, but I just remember the stressy bits??!

Jajas, hope you had an easier Sunday! x

just another thought re Jajas post. I find the most frustrating times those where I am actually making life significantly harder by trying to do something nice for the dc. It's so much more galling when it all kicks off because I'm trying to get them ready to do something they'll love, when it would be so much easier to stick them in front of the telly.

Kids generally remember drama and disasters over the routine pleasant bits. I have fond memories of my mother dropping a cream carton after shopping and losing her rag, and my dad crashing his car twice in 2 feet in a multi-storey car park, for example. The 'nice' stuff features less prominently in my memory. However this is not hugely significant, because by setting a postive emotional temperature the rest of the time you help them to be settled and happy individuals. It would be abnormal if your entire family life was even tempered and without disaster, though.

It is also the nature of the beast that the harder you try, the less it is appreciated, so remember to be a bit selfish sometimes to keep yourself in good humour too, for the benefit of your little tribe.