Help! I think I'm going mad!

[Sshhbear]

I used to be a really good parent. I had one son and I was on my own until he was nearly 4. Now I have 3 kids - 9,4 and 2. My eldest boy is constantly in trouble at school for everything - lying, stealing, running amok, tantrums. The two little ones are going ok but put the three together and my house turns into a nightmare.

I can handle the noise one or two of them makes but throw in a third noise and I flip. Today I smashed my beloved popcorn machine on the floor because I got so mad with the kids pushing me to the brink. I don't know whether they are really badly behaved or if it's me.

I am in a pretty unhappy relationship and maybe this is the cause. My partner of 5 years drains me. I used to be very financially secure but he doesn't pull his weight. Because I knew he wasn't very good with finances, I have always insisted we keep finances separate. We bought a house together and the idea was that we'd both pay half the mortgage payment each. When I had my own house, the payment was a quarter of our new house payment. He hasn't made a mortgage payment in 15 months. He doesn't contribute to bills, child care, groceries or any of the kids expenses. He only really puts enough effort into working to cover his own personal loan and day to day living expenses.

Because I am paying all the household expenses I feel very stressed and pressured. I feel like he is a liability. He owes the tax man money, owes me almost $40k. He wants me to work harder and longer so he can stay home and be a full time dad but although he's a good dad, he's very relaxed and spoils the kids a bit too much. I just know that I would walk in angry each day because the house would be disgusting and dinner (if prepared) would consist of deep fried bites and chips.

I really feel like I'm going mad. My partner says that most people are happy to just pool their money and get on with life. He wants to raid the kids bank accounts (that only I contribute to) to pay his bills and now he's asking me to refinance the mortgage to pay out his $30k of debts.

Am I being a complete and utter B#%#@$H to him or am I justified in feeling stresses about being the bread winner, primary carer and housekeeper. He does help out but I would probably do 70-80% and he would do the rest plus a bit of gardening.

Even as I'm writing this I'm stopping to scream at the kids for stirring each other up. Am I going mad? I don't know where this temper of mine has suddenly come from and I hate myself for getting as worked up as I do. I don't want my kids to hate me - they already show a preference to their dad because he lets them do whatever they want while I'm the one who sets the boundaries.

Any advice would be really helpful.

Thanks

Sounds like you are having significant problems in your relationship and understandably are totally stressed and pissed off. Could you and your partner go to relate and have someone help you both sort out your problems?

I have thought about going to counselling many times but he is really hard to communicate with at the best of times and I guess I've sort of gotten to the point where I don't really care to make the effort anymore. The only way counselling would happen would be if I pushed the issue and organised everything. I work 4 days a week, run my own small business and do the admin for my partners business and a lot of the time, I just want to escape.
I dont know if it's the stress of the relationship that is causing my temper outbursts with the kids or whether I am having some sort of a meltdown.

No, not mad, but as julesrose says, under a lot of pressure. Finances can be a major difficulty in a relationship if partners do not agree, and it might be good to tackle this first. Personally I think pooling works only if a few groundrules are understood and shared by both partners and if I were in your shoes, I'm afraid I would keep things seperate.

I'm sure that if other problems could be sorted, you would not feel so angry - don't beat yourself up, but try and pinpoint exactly what it is that's making you angry - ten to one it's probably not the kids and they are picking up on your anxieties.

Try relate? Or soem counselling for yourself in the first instance to work out what it is you want.

x post. What about counselling for yourself?

Poor you. I'm with julesrose - maybe you need some sort of mediation. But maybe you don't want to go that way yet. Is he talkable to? If so, I'd try sitting down with a bottle of wine and tell him you're finding life hard - that way he starts off not feeling under attack. Then make a list of all the jobs in the house - literally a list with two columns, him and you. Seeing it in black and white means he can't deny how much more you do. If he won't meet you half way and agree to do more, then that will tell you a lot. If you get to any state of agreement, then stick to it, but insist that you meet every week with a bottle of wine to discuss how it's going and how you're both feeling. Then don't do his jobs, just bring it up next time. Don't tackle everything at once I'd say - leave the money out of it now, but don't give into him either on that. Then if you get the house sorted move onto that. If he refuses to change or meet you half way that will tell you lots. Fingers crossed things change for you.

Your partner is really taking advantage of you. He is right that most people "pool therir money", but this is not what is happening with you - he is living off you. What does he spend his money on to be so in debt? It is easy to be a "relaxed" parent when you take no responsibility, as he is doing.

How does he get on with your eldest son? He (son) sounds as if he is acting out because he is unsettled and unhappy. Do you and dp argue alot? Does ds get treated differently from other dcs?

sorry x posted - if he's really that uncommunicative, you probably do need outside help. But maybe it's worth a try in a small way - changing a dynamic by doing something other than shouting sometimes moves mountains.

I learnt a new word this week. It was cocklodger. He sounds like one of those.

Thanks for all your replies. It's so nice to know that I'm the only one who thinks I've gone mad. Unfortunately, it's very hard to speak to my man. He doesn't like confrontation and tends to walk away rather than listening. He is never understanding and thinks I'm just a big nag.

I tried to leave last year and every night for a month, I tried to sit him down to talk and he wouldn't. He put me off everytime and refused to listen. So in the end, I wrote him a letter a week before I left and he said he read it but had nothing to say. When my moving day came, he was shocked about it all as he hadn't read the letter after all and he blocked the removalists and wouldn't let me take the kids. He promised I wouldn't regret staying but I do.

I have asked him to move out. He won't. He claims the house is his even thought I've put in 250k + while he's only put in $45k. He says I will have to leave but I'm only allowed to take my eldest child.

I guess I have sort of resigned myself to having to stay but constantly dream of winning lotto or something so I can walk. You see, the mortgage is fully in my name, so if I walk away and move into a rental property, I'll be paying my mortgage and the rent.

I am sort of at the stage now where I am worried that if I move out with my children, I may not cope emotionally on my own. I don't have any support or family here. Very frustrating.

Thanks everyone for being such a good sounding board.

Ah ssh, you need to get some help don't you? You can't live like that, as you'll have a breakdown. Then of course you'll feel worse and he'll stay in control of what he wants to, which won't help anyone. Is there nobody you can talk to? Even just going alone to start off with might help you to work out what you want to do.

SShhbear - he is lying about him being entitled to the house and the children staying with him. You need to get some prper legal advice (try CAB).

As for not coping emotionally on your own, you sound as if you are doing this anyway.

Sorry, I should have replied about how my eldest boy and partner get along. Very difficult to say. My son started with his behaviour problems just before my partner and I met but they had an amazingly good relationship for the first year or two so his worsening behaviour didn't really seem to be linked. Having said that, because of the behaviour problems my partner and son have had trouble getting along. I don't know whether to blame my partner for my son's problems - I think he didn't cause them but also hasn't really helped. Anyway, that topic is a whole different story.

Thanks for the advice about seeing someone. I think the only reason this solution hasn't come to me earlier is because I worry about the financial side of personal counselling. I know it's not cheap but if it gives me some sanity, it's well worthwhile.

Mortage in your name = your house. He is doing what many men in this situation do and it is called lieing.

He is onto a good thing and avoids confrontation because it would lead to him being on to a less good thing.

He will not read the letter because it will lead to him being on to a less good thing.

Citizens Advice Bureau
Solicitor
Women's Aid

Get RL help. He is sponging. Do not let him take over your entire life. Stop this now before it gets worse.

Is he on the deeds? If not then it's your house. Change the locks. Do not let him in.

If he is then you'll need to seek legal advice as he will have an interest in the house.

I suspect that your eldest child is seeing and understanding a lot more than you realise and is probably very unhappy at home and the way you are being treated.

Also his hormones may be developing. You need to talk to him and reassure him and keeph him in the loop.

Good luck

your mortgage = your house! get a good lawyer (minimum citzen's advice) and a very good locksmith.

We are both on the deeds.

Thanks for the advice about my eldest. He has been seeing a pyschologist and counsellor for the last year - no progress yet but I'm still hopeful.

I started this disussion because I was worried about the way I was treating my kids but the whole relationship thing has now come out in the open.

Thanks so much for everyone's assistance. I think I will need to practice self control with my beautiful children and try hard not to get angry with them. I started a discussion in the relationships area to get some opinions on the whole thing - thanks for making me realise that this is probably the bigger concern.