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Parenting

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Original poster

I do love you Mummy, but I love Daddy more

22 replies

Lakota · 22/04/2009 13:59

Well that's it really. I am completely destroyed by this from my 4 year old DS. I know I probably shouldn't take it to heart, but I am really upset. He decided he wanted Daddy to be at home and for me to go to work, so I said jokingly ' don't you love mummy any more then?' and got that as a reply. As soon as my eyes teared up he took it back and hugged me etc, but I still feel miserable.

DH says that he didn't really mean it in the way an adult would take it, and I hope he's right. Thing is, DS is very intelligent and good with language. I miss being at work and although I don't expect children to appreciate what parents give up for them, I had thought I was doing a good job on the parenting front - feeling a bit worthless now! Has anyone else had similar comments?

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notnowbernard · 22/04/2009 14:05

Have had comments like this LOTS of times in the past (not so much recently as dd1 is 5.5 now)

DP is nearly always the preferred choice over me, if he's here

PLEASE don't stress over this. Your ds is only 4. He might have the language to express this sentiment but he most certainly doesn't have the emotional intelligence to understand what this means or how it might make someone feel!

Take a chipper approach... I always say something like "It's so lovely that you love your Daddy so much, isn't it?"

And carry on

Kathyis6incheshigh · 22/04/2009 14:09

Oh hell yes, this is just what children of that age are like, I wouldn't take it seriously.
It's a description of how he feels at one particular moment - and of course if he gets lots and lots of Mummy he's going to want more Daddy - not a mature description of what he really thinks.

My dd's favourite, when she's trying to be particularly cutting because I wouldn't give her another chocolate biscuit or whatever, is 'I don't like you Mummy and you're not coming to my party!' (So which party would that one be then.... the one I'm organising and paying for?!)

If anything you should be pleased that he noticed you were upset and tried to make you feel better - that is lovely and kind and caring and shows how he really feels!

Greensleeves · 22/04/2009 14:09

I cried when ds1 said this to me, and when ds2 said it

until I heard him say the same thing to his dad, the little sodbag

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FrankMustard · 22/04/2009 14:10

This is such a common thing for children that age to say - don't take it to heart! Tomorrow he'll probably turn it around and say he loves Daddy but loves you more!
If it really bothes you, make sure you ask DH to simply suggest that he loves you both the same - but you mustn't take it to heart, DS is too young to fully grasp what he's saying. Often daddies get the extra nice bit if they're the working parent because its us mums who end up doing most of the discipline during the day whereas the dads come home and do all the fun stuff!!!!
My DS sometimes says he loves me more than Daddy but I just say to him, no you don't you love us the same - we're just different people so you might love us in a different way (daddy does wrestling and discos and I do playing and cooking etc)

PrettyCandles · 22/04/2009 14:13

From my ds1 at about 3.5y: "I want to marry Daddy, but I can't because you're married to him. So when you die I will marry Daddy." And I've had similar from dd. I wonder what ds2 will tell me .

It's just what they say at this age. It doesn't belittle you at all.

theoptimist · 22/04/2009 14:16

Kids of that age can be brutally honest. Although I wouldn't read too much into his interpretation of love at this age. How he feels for you might just be different. For example, if you're with your DS all the time and his dad is not, he probably gets a chance to miss his dad and feel really excited when he knows he'll be coming home soon. He might not get the chance to have those feelings for you, and will take you more for granted.
I've had the same by the way, but my DS now says he's not a mummy's or a daddy's boy, he's a both boy.

JackBauer · 22/04/2009 14:17

This convesation happens about 5 times a day in our house.
Me - I love you DD1 (3.3)
DD1 - And I love Dada
Me - I still love you
DD1 - No you don't, DD2 and I love Dada and you love no-one.

Also have 'this is for dada, this for me, this for dd2 and you can have nothing' regularly.

Her latest trick when DH kisses me, is to wipe the kiss off my mouth and put it on hers saying 'You can't have kisses from Dada, only me'

I know she doesn't mean it in a nasty way, she said it to get a rise, and now it makes me snigger so she says it to make me laugh. But when she fell down the stairs the other day she pushed DH away to get to me for a cuddle, she likes me to read her stories, she likes me to help her get dressed.

Just remember, they don;t even know what love is, they have no frame of reference for this size of emotion!

TheProfiteroleThief · 22/04/2009 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnowbernard · 22/04/2009 14:18

From dd1 aged about 4.6:

"We'll be sad when Daddy dies, won't we?"

"But we'll be really sad when the cat dies, won't we"

JackBauer · 22/04/2009 14:26

On the way to school earlier DD1 announced 'dada took me to the park to feed the ducks'
Me - No. That was me.
DD1 - No it wasn't, it was Dada, you stayed home and had wine and Dada and DD2 and me went to the park and fed the ducks. You didn't come.

as that is what I wished had happened.

MmeLindt · 22/04/2009 14:30

I want to live in JackBauer's house and drink wine with her while her DH takes all the DC to the park.

DS recently, on the phone to my parents: I miss Grandad

Granny: And do you miss Granny too?

DS: Noooooo

She was sorry that she asked.

Lakota
Don't read too much into it, children of that age say things like that all the time, they just don't have the emotional intelligence to realise that it is very hurtful to you.

JackBauer · 22/04/2009 20:10

I want to live in the house where I do nothing but sit on teh laptop and drink wine and Dh does it all!

Smithagain · 22/04/2009 21:36

At least it's her father she loves. At four, DD1 merrily announced that she much preferred her Godmother's family to ours .

And my daughter's 5 yo has just reduced her friend to tears by letting her know exactly where she stood in the pecking order ("you are my friend, but you're not really my best friend.")

They live in the moment and have no idea how what they are saying affects you. Translate it as "at this precise moment, I fancy a bit of daddy's company" and try to move on.

Supercherry · 23/04/2009 08:49

Lakota, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I really think you need to toughen up a bit if you are 'completely destroyed' and reduced to tears by that comment by your 4yr old.

If you are like this now, what will you be like when he's giving you all that teenage attitude in 10yrs time?

cory · 23/04/2009 09:27

Also, I think it's better not to ask children if they love you, unless you are strong enough to do it as a joke and they really know it's light-hearted. It can put a lot of pressure on them (and make them more prone to say no).

QSthevampireslayer · 23/04/2009 09:31

When you stay home with your child, they are with you all the time, and will miss the other parent, and really treasure the short moments with the other person, in this case dad. You do the daily grind, the getting them up in the morning, breakfast, along with all the other things that you as a sahm has to do. When dad has time to spend, he can usually focus 110% on the child, usually for a very limited time.

Dont worry about it. He says he loves daddy more only because he gets to do short bursts of fun with daddy.

ABetaDad · 23/04/2009 09:41

Smithagain - ("you are my friend, but you're not really my best friend.")"

DS2 (7) said that to one of the girls in his class who wants to be his girlfriend. He said "well I have a girlfriend already but you can be my second girlfriend". She was not best pleased (which girl would) but she came round to the idea after a week or so.

Lakota - do not worry. Our DSs say "Daddy is for football and Mummy does washing". It is just how kids think.

[No. I am quite annoyed actually because I do washing too. ]

lal123 · 23/04/2009 09:54

DD (5) says I'm at about number 10 on her list. I don't mind coming below her Daddy, her grannies or even her granny's dog. I DO object to coming below SILs 2 dogs though...

JackBauer · 23/04/2009 14:58

Think yourself lucky lal, DD1's list (she tells me regularly) goes
Dada
DD2
Elly
Dooka (her favourite toys)
The GSXR (DH's motorbike)
The car (!)
The laptop
her toy bike
chocolate
Me

Karam · 24/04/2009 11:43

My 2.5 DD recently declared that she loved Troy Bolton (HSM) more than she loved her daddy! He was not impressed. Kids say such things, but they don't mean them.

Bunch · 24/04/2009 11:50

We regularly have "I love you mummy, but I love Lego more". DS age 4.

Original poster

Lakota · 24/04/2009 16:15

Supercherry, I completely get your point - but I remember being a foul teen! I know I said horrible things, but also was aware that I still loved my parents regardless so I think that would bother me less. It's purely because he is a very sweet, well behaved and generally quite adult child that it really got to me. Anyway, thanks all - onwards and upwards

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