Help someone please - angry 11 yr old DS

[traceyinrosso]

I really am at my wits end so please someone who can offer some practical suggestions as to how to manage my angry 11yr old. He has become very angry at the slightest hint of being made to toe the line eg was asked to get in the shower 7 times before I resorted to yelling (yes, I know - not the right response but 2 other children to sort out too and don't tell me you haven't). He wants to totally monopolise his dads time ie when dad is playing cricket in garden with him, watching football with him all is ok but when dad goes out within 30 seconds he will do something to upset his little sister (4yrs). He has taken to barging past his older sister on purpose and then saying he never touched her even if I witnessed it. He seems obsessed with the fact he has a hard life because he has a tiny bedroom - which he has but so did I as a child and am not psychologically scarred as a result- and thinks it is his right to have a messy room which I have said he has no right to undo my hard work though of throwing ironed clothes on the floor and putting dirty clothes back in his drawers amongst clean ones. I don't really know what he wants out of life other than to be centre of attention and be allowed to live like a pig. It is going to end up breaking up the family if it goes on much longer as we live in a war zone with constant fighting (mainly verbal)and I am totally exhausted both mentally and physically - I am appalled that I have produced a child who has no qualms about screaming at his mum and talking to me like something he's just stood in. We are both reasoably tolerant individuals but any advice from our parents is just that they wouldn't have stood for it or he needs a good smack. Help please.

I have been where you are now, an am still there some days

It is really tough isn't it.

I can stay calm for ages, but after a couple of hours, I have had enough!

ds1 is 12 and a half now, and his oubursts seem to be getting less

Can you get him to channel his energy into something useful like a sport?

or maybe offer him incentives for things like tidying his room/ washing he car/ hoovering....

Also I think what really helped with our ds was treating him like a grown up. Sitting down and talking through what we were unhappy with, and letting him have say..... (even if he talks rubbish

agree on some ground rules like no hitting/ swearing, and let him come up with what happens if he breaks the rules, such as time out/ taking away games console - whatever..... That way he cant say you are being unfair

hth

Good luck

Just a thought - but is everything alright at school? Could he be being bullied?

Thanks cazboldy,

Gave incentives ie gets pocket money for tidying room but still mega battle to get him to do it without throwing things, shouting at me. He plays rugby which he loves but can't do this every night, also plays cricket. Just worried that his little sister age 4 started to answer back but sees it all the time - how do I convinve her not to do it when her big brother does? My daughter 13yrs did go through very selfish stage at similar age but its the anger and shouting that gets to me. He also seems to just do the daftest, silliest things always acting the clown - people say its attention seeking but I just don't know how much more time I can give him with 2 others. I do worry that he doesn't seem to have any solid long term friends - seems to move friendship circles every few weeks. School think he is responsible and well behaved ! I take comfort that he does know how to behave but why do I just get the crap 24/7 - could cope with odd bits but this is relentless.

does sound very familiar sorry not much help

Hi there. I have no advice but also sympathise.
I find my DS1 gets agressive when there is something wrong at school - they have said he needs to branch out with his social circle as he only has one very close friend (and he gets bullied all the time about this - they are "gay" etc).
Last night he actually went to cricket practise at school without his other friend, then to the park with another lad to play cricket after tea

He can be lovely with his little brothers sometimes, but is unbelievably spiteful at others.

re the general arsing about and doing stupid things, DS1 does this and I'm wondering if it's a confidence thing ("I know you're going to laugh at me anyway, so I'll do this and then at least I know why you're laughing"), it drives me MAD. Or maybe a distraction techinique (he struggles with his handwriting and spelling and some reading), aimed at his peers rather than getting adult attention.

FWIW DS1 has been tiying his room since xmas! About 3 weeks ago I loaded all the stuff off the floor into boxes and did my big spring clean of his room. He is still emptying the last box, but it's a start.

Not much help to you, but sometimes it helps to know it's not just you!