Is this "just a phase" help please!

[justanothertenminutes]

Ds is 10 months and previously a good sleeper and all round happy baby. However, he has now become VERY clingy, he will literally not spend anytime on his own without screaming until he is picked up, then he is all smiles again.
When we try to put him in his cot for naps or at bedtime he will again scream until he is picked up, we have tried staying with him (even getting in the cot with him!) patting his belly, leaving him for short periods (which just stresses both of us), everything we can think of but as soon as you sit down with him he will fall asleep on us, if we then try to put him in his cot he wakes up instantly.
I suppose what I am asking is, is this just a phase? What should we do? Feel like I am getting to the end of my tether!
Any advice welcome.

It's separation anxiety. He's just realised you're a separate being and capable of leaving him. You just need to reassure him through this phase, play lots of games such as peekaboo and hiding things in cups so he learns 'object permanence' ie just because I can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. Start small with leaving him in one room and loudly talking through what you're doing 'mummy's just in the kitchen getting you a drink, mummy's coming back in a minute' etc.

Lots and lots of reassurance. Search archives here or google for more info on separation anxiety.

Just so you know as well, their sleep can become very disrupted when they're on the verge of walking. So don't be surprised by that in the next couple of months. Because his brain will be very, very busy trying to grasp walking he will find it very hard to switch off for a while. This is normal too.

The separation anxiety will pass and if handled well he'll increase in confidence and independence. And once he's walking he'll tire out more and sleep better.

ShowOfHands - thanks for your quick reply, that makes perfect sense, he has just learnt to stand and this started at pretty much the same time. We have been giving him lots of reassurance and cuddles but keep getting the "making a rod for your own backs" comments and was doubting we were doing the right thing.

Was about to say about the walking thing too- both of mine were horrible before they got on their feet and both got over it very quickly when they started walking. Just take lots of deep breathes and know that this too shall pass!

Good luck

breaths aargh!

Bugger that. I have a rod for my back and I love it. I got to cuddle my child, comfort her and let her know that everything was okay as opposed to leaving her to cry and crying myself in another room. Honestly, I'm 28 and I need a cuddle so if a baby asks for a cuddle then I think, yes they can have it. My dd is well adjusted, confident, happy and able to be on her own, sleep through, pick herself up after a fall and seems entirely normal. You do what you think is best. This is a developmental phase. It's normal. It's necessary to allow them to learn object permanence. If the thing that's crying out to be taught is mummy always comes back, responds to my needs and I don't need to fret, I suspect leaving them to cry on their own will not help, in fact it might just teach them the opposite.

My hv used to say that separation anxiety was existential angst for the child and if anybody started questioning your 'pandering to it' to say 'well you seem quite anxious about my parenting, I wonder what that says about you?' and then smile knowingly.

In terms of standing up, that's a key thing too with the sleep issue. As I said his brain is thinking 'stand up, wow, stand up, upright, wow, a whole new world, keep trying it, do it again, what happens next, ooh standing up'. The last thing he wants to do is lie down. Once he's mastered it he'll sleep better.

You'll also find that he stands up in his cot without thinking about it and then can't lie back down again on his own, but can't walk properly or do anything and is tired and confused by his brain making him do these strange things. He'll eventually learn to lie down himself and then not to stand up in the first place.

It'll be over in a heartbeat. Promise.

Yep - as soon as we lay him in his cot he stands up and cries, lay him back down and he is straight back up again arghhhh! Any tips on getting him to go to sleep? Did'nt really want to get into Co-sleeping but sounds better than no sleep....

Have you tried pupd or gradual withdrawal?

We have tried pupd but he just wont stop crying when he is put down, I am not the most patient person, maybe I just need to try for longer, but he just gets very worked up, thanks for your suggestions though.

justanothertenminutes, you're not making a rod, you're investing time in ensuring he grows up to be confident. As SOH said, it's a crucial point in their development, when they learn to trust that you will come back and won't abandon them.

Seriously, when he's a 2-year old I bet it will feel like time well spent.

I co-slept.

Actually DS spent most of last night cuddled up to me in my bed and I have to admit I liked it
I think I could get used to it