Do you have the same love for all your children? I am really struggling to love my DD2 and it's getting me down

[LittleMissTwins]

I have 3 year old twins and from the offset I have struggled to bond with my DT2. I am madly in love with DT1, she is a beautiful, happy and very easy little girl. My DT2 makes life very challenging - she is moany, whingey, picky with food, refuses to walk anywhere - everything seems a challenge.

It's dreadful to admit but I almost feel like I am looking after someone elses child. I have odd moments when I feel like I am getting somewhere with her but I spend a lot of the time wishing it was just me and DT1. I've got tears in my eyes writing this, if I read this about someone else I would think them a terrible mother!

Does anyone else feel like this about one of their kids? Has it improved as they've grown older? I try so hard with her that I probably almost overcompensate, I would hate for this little girl to grow up feeling second best.

Oh this is hard.

For a long time I didn't feel I "bonded" with DS1 - he was a real daddy's boy.

He was my pfb though so he had no competition around.

DS2 is a in theory a much harder baby to love (2 but still my baby!). He had bad reflux so it was just me and him (noone else wanted/could hold him and as a result we are very close. He is also a very headstrong toddler.

I feel the bond between us is very strong and I "light up" when he comes into the room in a way that I don't when DS1 is.

But I have gradually developed a different bond with DS1 and I love spending time with him now.

I have no experience with twins though, I think we go through phases where we "favour" one child over another but as long as you are aware of it and careful about it - maybe to the extent of deliberately choosing to spend time with DT2 rather than DT1 (telling you named them that!) things should change.

I did feel this for dd1, everything was so hard, but it was me putting my fears and anxieties into her. It still doesnt come as easy as it does with the other two but it is much better, i have to constantly remind myself that she is a child and that she doesnt want to be unhappy.

Over the years I have learnt (I think) to distinguish between finding one child particularly infuriating and thinking there is a difference in the quality of my love. It has helped me that by now (8 and 12yos here) both children have had a bash at being infuriating and both have had a bash at being sweet and engaging.

Dd (my first) was a weak and needy baby, a very headstrong toddler, then a whingey 3yo. Oh my goodness me, but at least I had nothing to compare with.

Ds was a happy healthy baby, a smiley toddler and an amiable 3yo. The sort of child you would look at and think, well at least he'll be all right in life.

But now dd is an eminently sensible and mature near-teen with a great sense of humour.

Ds as a 7/8yo has been fairly hard work. Whiney, temperamental, quick to take offense- all the things he might have been as a toddler but never was.

I'm prepared for anything now, from either of them

My brother has twins and especially when babies one was easier to love and be around than the other...those are their characters but it is/was hard because we were all concious not to treat them differently, but it's human nature to not to really want to be with the tantrummy, screaming one very much and warm to the quiet one who hummed to herself a lot...

They "switched" when they were about 8 and the quiet one went sulky and the screamy one went happy and now at 14 they have "switched" again and there is a sulky one and a happy one...not sure if this is always the case, but it keeps you on your toes.

Don't get upset that you are only human, they will change massively through their lives and you may find the not very co-operative one becomes mellow with age.

Thanks so much for the replies.

HaventSleptForAYear - "lighting up" is exactly how I feel when DT1 appears, I just don't get that with DT2. I only refer to them in that order as it's the order they were born - all their records refer to them as "twin 1/2". I've never made the connection before - very Freudian!

I really hope this is something that improves with age though at the moment I feel like it's getting worse by the day

I have more of a natural affinity with my ds1, he looks like me (totally gorgeous ) and he's the one saying 'Lets share' and 'You look lovely Mum'.

My other two are full of 'Why do I have to?' and 'Where's MY bit?' Thus, I find their behaviours a little less easy to like.