How do you cope with the fear?

[plantsitter]

I hope I'm not going to sound like a nut job here.

DD is 2 months old and I think I'm doing pretty well, feel ok mostly, getting out every day nearly and making friends. DD is healthy, putting on weight, quite a cheery soul. The only problem is intermittent waves of terror that she is going to die. When she's asleep I have to check every 10 minutes or so that she's still breathing - I even wake up a couple of times in the night to check. I'm terrified of driving her in the car, though I do it anyway.

Am I insane? How do you balance such immense love an responsibility with, well, being normal??

completely normal, and although this will subside it will carry on for the rest of your childrens lives.

i sometimes get flashes of my life without one child or other and before i start crying i tell myself i am a fucking nut job and to behave!

I was EXACTLY like this. Honestly, EXACTLY. You ask the ladies on the May 07 thread. I am 100% sure I started a thread like this too - I will try and find it.

I don't think you ever stop worrying, but you don't stay in that emotional hothouse of fear for very long. Some things are hard, usually firsts, first bug, first rash, that kind of thing, and the first time dd was vomiting (and I mean vomiting, not possetting) I rang my mum in the middle of the night and she came round. She was sick last Thursday night, and it never occurred to me to lie awake staring at her or to call for reinforcements!

I'll try and find that thread.

here

I'm not sure this is the one I was talking about - but it's me, a couple of years ago, feeling suffocated by how much I felt like I needed to protect dd.

She is 2 next month, and I can promise you, parenting her (most of the time ) is a joy. I no longer feel weighed down by the responsibility or worry that she is going to die.

I had CBT though, when it became apparent that I was worrying too much about trivial things, and I was referred to the HV.

Seek help if you feel like you need it, but this is normal normal normal when your baby is so tiny.

Thanks for messages- I will have a look at that thread pj. She had her first jabs yesterday and she is FINE if a bit grumpy. I have to stop myself taking her temp. every five minutes. Good to hear others have felt the same.

I felt like this too, exactly like that, so scared that something would happen and this little thing I love so much would be taken away from me. I'm sure it must be a natural thing, it's an overwhelming feeling of responsibility when it's not just you that you have to keep safe.

DD is now 9 months and crawling and I still feel a bit like that although in a more rational way now, like figuring out what things might be dangerous and how to protect her - for example putting up stairgates or staying with her in the bath.

I also have to confess that everytime I'm not with her, e.g. when grandparents babysit I worry the whole time that something awful will happen and I won't be there to protect her

I was like this too!!!

I remember a doctor at NHS direct saying to me, after I gave him a full rundown of dd's temp changes over the course of two hours, "First thing, put the thermometor down. If she feels hot to you, then she has a temperature. We would try and cool her down exactly the same way you can, light clothing, a fan, etc. And remember that a temperature is a good thing. It's the body fighting infection."

His words have stayed with me ever since. Obviously, some babies get really hot, and have convulsions, so handy to have a thermometor in! As a guide, I always try and go with how she is, in herself, which admittedly is easier at 2 years than 2 months!

Along the way, I promise you, you learn to trust your own instinct. That's not to say I don't hate it when she is ill, but I know when she needs a doctor, and when she just needs a cuddle.

I hope I'm helping!!

You just get used to it I guess. I was never that worried - a bit too laidback sometimes I think. But I do remember my parents taknig DS#1 for the day when he was less than a yr old. They were all of 10 mins late! And I was imagining a multiple pile up on the m-way .

I think I dealt with it eventually by saying ' if something happens it will be absolutely horrific and I just don't know how I will react and cope so there's no point in thinking about that now.' That doesn't mean I don't obsessively hover round climbing frames and run very fast across a room when DD (2) is climbing though!

Would you consider getting an Angelcare monitor? I was very paranoid when DS was born. He looked so tiny! He's now 14 months and a robust little thing. I've only recently changed my angelcare monitor to stop using the sensor pad and just on the sound mood. I would NEVER have slept in his first year if I didn't have the monitor though my very much less paranoid DH hated the monitor. You know what? It does get better as they get older. You learn more about them and you almost get an instinctive feel as to whether they are okay or not. Those early days (especially for first-time mums!) are terrible, I could never tell if DS is teething, is sick or whatever. I love being his mummy now. I used to count down to him being 2 months old, 3 months old etc so we could get over that first few months (ok, more like the whole first year ). Good luck!

I felt like this. Still do, but it is a less intense feeling now (DS is 2.5).

I think as they get older day to day life kind of takes over and you simply don't think about it as much, although if you are a worrier you will always worry to some extent. I still have irrational moments of fear but they are not as frequent as when DS was tiny.

It should get a bit easier as your child gets older, but then my own mum's words ring in my ears
'Wait 'til he starts driving or going out to clubs and pubs...then you'll know what real worry is'.

I had it so severely with my DS that it morphed into a crushing PND/anxiety. I got over it though, and am finding it all much more manageable now I'm a 2nd time mum - although I do agree, a certain level of anxious, 'worst case scenario' thought is part of being a parent (particularly a mum).

It will pass (never completely). You've taken on a huge responsibility and it's your job to make sure they come out the other side (when you send them off to college at 17 and turn their room into a gym ) safely.

DD is 17mths and I watch her sleeping when I check on her before bed and think what would I do if anything happened to her. Initially I wanted to give her back!!!

Agree with 369
It should get a bit easier as your child gets older, but then my own mum's words ring in my ears
'Wait 'til he starts driving or going out to clubs and pubs...then you'll know what real worry is'.

She is never going out without her dad as a chaperone!!! I already worry about what's to come and have to stop myself and just enjoy being with her. Even those nights at 3am when she was awake and just wanted to 'be up' I sat in her room with her and just watched her.

Oddly i was like this with dd but never ds i don't know why he was born with a heart murmer and everyone used to talk about him in whispers but i always just knew he would be fine.

DD is 4 and i still have the odd moment where i think something really bad might happen to her but it passes.

It's normal to have a certain level of anxiety. I would also recommend an angel care monitor. That definitely made me less anxious at night.

MrsMattie I was the same as you. My anxiety climbed to PND. Was having panic attacks and very irrational thoughts. I still have to try really hard to stay calm if my dh has 1 or both dc's out in the car without me.

Thought I was quite normal now but that sounds a bit mad still I think.

Completely normal.
DD is 20 months and she still has a her apnoea monitor on whenever she sleeps. A friend commented I'll probably still have the monitor on her when she's 12
Listening to Jenny Hicks this morning whose 2 daughters died at Hillsborough made me quite upset. I don't know how she mustered the courage to go on, brave brave woman...I think whatever age children are you will always worry about them if you are a loving parent.

I am the same. DS is now 9 months and the panic has subsided hugely from when he was tiny. I still have moments though - often when I'm driving I will imagine a huge crash or something and I have to pull myself together.

If its overwhelming it can be a symptom of PND mine was looking back but i didn't know it at the time.

I've had this very recently, think there is post from me on here as well somewhere. I have 3 month old. I have to say having a breathing (apnea) monitor helped me enormously, although I still sneak in a lot to make sure she's ok. One thing that helped me was that if I wake in the middle of the night and wonder if she's OK, I get straight up and go and have a look. It's far worse agonising for 30 mins with yourself about whether your being nuerotic or the like, you sleep far better by reassuring yourself as quickly as possible.

It does get better, I sleep a lot better now, but when they suddenly start sleeping longer, it's hard to enjoy for the first few nights as you get so over anxious

I think all parents have fear(anxiety) for their children at all ages - in your case I see your anxiety as normal - something that might help you is a reassurance monitor - it has a sensor pad that goes underneath the mattress of the cot and an alarm goes off if it doesnt sense a movement. You can get them from mothercare - they're about £70-£100 but well worth it!!

Mine are 8m and 2.8y and I'm already obsessing about them getting into fights at school or getting beaten up in kebab shops when they're teenagers. I don't know how anyone deals with it - if anyone ever hits my tiny beautiful little boys I will want to kill them. I presume this gets easier?

I'm pretty laid back about stuff (too much sometimes) however it took me 2 weeks to decide that ds1 (now 3) could never have a motor bike and I was wailing to a friend when he was 5 months old about what I was supposed to do if he wanted to join the army and ended up somewhere dangerous .

I'm a lot better now (although ds2 arrived 3 weeks ago so I've got it all to come again).

Mind you, nursery have got their summer trip planned and it involves ds1 going on a bus, an hour and a half away. He's too little!

Riven - can the hospital not give you an apnea monitor, I bought my own, but the consultant wasn't happy with it as it was a mke he'd not heard of so I got given one by the community childrens' nurses. I've got it for 6 months, by which point DD should have grown out of the problems causing her sleep apneas