Son who resists all physical contact

[Clement]

My DS is now 9. He has always resisted all physical contact and verbal displays affection. He has only ever instigated a hug once in his life, about 6 months ago. The occasion is etched on my memory. He will only ever say he loves/likes me in a defensive way, if I somehow provoke him eg by saying 'i know i drive you mad' or similar. This lack of warmth makes me sad, selfishly, but should I worry, should I try to encourage him to receive (and eventually give) affection? Or should i just think, that's him, oh well? He has plenty of friends, is very happy, sporty, bright, etc. Not empathetic though - never gets those awards for being lovely that my friends' kids seem to get.

What does the school say?

Some children, alot of boys, don't have empathy kicking in until their teens, the lack of physical contact with you however, is an indication of a condition called Aspergers. It's worth contacting the school to see if they share your concerns. There's alot of info on the internet. Someone will also be along in the morning who can help you more. It's nothing to worry about, it's not an illness, lots of children have this. As I said, it's just an indication and needs an assessment by an educational psychologist.

Thank you. It's never occurred to me to ask school. Noone has ever commented on this aspect of his personality. I'll wait and see what the morning crowd brings!

The school should tell you if there's a problem. I'd be surprised if they had not noticed this though to be honest. Don't worry, there's support there.

i've been testing him this morning, casually putting my arm round him while he's watching tv etc. he didn't exactly flinch, just moved away slowly. i don't think this is Aspergers. I'm more wondering whether i need to teach him to be physical, or whether it's my problem, and not his, iyswim? maybe lots of people don't need hugs,touch etc. but i so do, i can't believe he could be happier without it.

My DS1 has dyspraxia and hates to be touched. Does your DS have other sensory issues- like not liking the feel of certain clothes or the textures of some foods?

My DD is 12 and has aspergers tendencies, she never wants a cuddle or physical contact... she will snuggle up if she's cold, and all physical contact ends up with her trying to tickle you..
I do find it really hard to get close to her... I will grab her and kiss her most days, she always resists...

I think the school will have mentioned if he has any other signs...

What does he do if you stroke his head or his cheek?

I've just tried to move her hair out off her cheek when she was making a sandwich and she moved her head out too the side... did not enjoy the physical contact...

I was like this as a child. Didn't want to be touched, no, it was more like I didn't need to be touched.

Mine's the same. Until 4 or 5 he was very huggy and cuddly, but this stopped when he went to school.

In fact, between the ages of 6 and 12, I was quite likely to get an elbow in the face if I tried to hug him, as he lifted them to "defend" himself. He also finds eye contact difficult.

I'm happy to say that after many years of reminding him about the social desirability of eye contact, social kissing on the cheek (our extended family is French so his refusal to accept kissing was becoming embarrassing), and hugs, he is now willing at times to be hugged, actually instigates it sometimes, and will politely shake hands to say hello. (he's now 15.5 btw) He has also begun to accept kissing on the cheek, and no longer elbows me when I hug him- just goes stiff and says "Gerroff!" or somesuch.

Frankly I do think my son is somewhere on the spectrum, but as the (AS) dad of a friend's (very AS) son says, maybe Asperger's is just an extension of the male personality (although I still don't really accept this). My son is wonderful in many ways, but this is not one of his strengths, it has to be said.

I think there is a big gap between not wanting physical contact and Aspergers. A very big gap.

DS doesn't like physical contact....although he was a very clingy baby.He's ten and would run a mile rather than me hug him. He has almost every Apergers "trait" going but 3 different psychologist have refused to diagnose him.

I think there is a middle ground between think "oh well, that's him and setting off on a mission to create frequent physical contact. How about sitting close to him when watching TV - bring a blanket and watch a film together or read a book.

I've decided just to accept my DS as he is. His brother is the total opposite - very empathetic, and loves hugs and kisses. I figure we're all just different.

I have a completely normal teenage dd who has always hated hugs and kisses.
I just accept that as part of her personality,she is lovely in every other way and is empathetic.

When she was little I used to have to trip her up to get a cuddle.

My 6yo has Aspergers and is very physically affectionate. He wasn't instinctively, I had to "teach" him how and why we do hugs, kisses etc - but he likes physical contact. In fact it can be a bit bloody wearing sometimes, when you're in Sainsburys queueing up with bags/toddler and he launches himself squeaking ecstatically into my arms in a sort of gangly star-jump....

there is a big big difference between a child with AS and a child who isn't very tactile.

I had to teach my 7yr old ds with as too, but now it's part of his routine there's no stopping him.

I found instigating regular hugs at the obvious times like bed time was the best place to start.

I think as I'm quite reserved that I had to get over my own hang ups before I could manage to encourage ds1 re physical affection.

My nephew(16 this month)has severe Aspergers but he is fine with physical contact and actually asks for hugs.
When my Ds was about 2, he seemed to push me away from physical contact, but it didn't last long. Had me worried though.

I would speak to your HV if I was in your shoes(which was what I did with Ds back then).

I also agree about the gap between not enjoying physical contact and Asbergers.
My 5 year old is like this.
I has crossed my mind that maybe there is something not quite right with him (for numerous reasons, not just the lack of affectionate behaviour)

He will never ever offer kisses, cuddles and rarely will want to sit closely to us.

It is a begging and nagging that usually resulted in a peck at bed time.
Nowadays, i ask once, if he doesnt come forward then i just employ puppy eyes and look sad....he will then relent and give me a cuddle.

I think that this is just the way he is...which is very different to me & DH we are quite tactile.

My boy is just a funny fella.

Thanks everyone for telling me of your experiences. Uriel - i get the feeling that's how my DS is. I think I'm going to try to gently encourage and educate him about the need to be socially appropriate, as duchesse suggests. Also because i like it. I've left him to himself for so long that it's going to be tricky to change my habits.

When he was a toddler i used to take him to a singing group which he was terrified of (big man with long hair and a guitar) just so that he'd sit on my lap for one hour a week! Cruel, moi?! And fireworks were handy too.....

Phase 1 completed successfully. As ds was going up to bed, i asked for a hug and a kiss. He gave me a lovely hug though averted his head so as to avoid anything worse. All the time, DH was looking at me in stunned amazement, as if to say 'what are you DOING?! Are you insane?'. very happy.

I really hope your Ds can over come this aversion. Cuddles are wonderful and hopefully he will learn to love them!