Emo son is driving me nuts. (long)

[EmosMum]

Posted this in the wrong section maybe.

My son is 10. He has never been very good at making friends, and has been the victim of bullying/isolation at school since he started basically at the age of 4. He has always been "different". Quiet, sensitive ...

Last year he decided he was "emo" and started going on about how he didn't "give a shit" about what people thought of him. He tried to dye his hair black with some home dye (made a mess basically) and even tried to apply eye-liner to himself for school.

Funnily enough, he new attitude did make him more popular and boys became more friendly towards him. He has been invited to numerous friends houses for tea and has had friends back here.

However he still insists that everyone hates him, everyone mistreats him, he's "the only emo in the school" etc etc.

During a class assembly where they were supposed to get up and read a poem, he got up and sang a heavy mental song, head banging and going nuts in front of the entire school. The other kids asked for an encore of his specifically, the teachers told him he would be famous one day ... he came home and said everyone hated him because they were jealous of him.

I have heard the way he speaks to people and it's horrible. He tells people "I'm so much cleverer than you", "I'm more mature than you", "Your work is just not as good as mine", "You hate me because you're jealous of me" etc etc...

He whinges EVERYTIME we go out anywhere and really spoils it. He then turns it back on us saying we all hate him and wished he no longer lived with us. He says to me "I bet you wish I were never born, it must be horrible having an emo for a son" etc.

He has just burst out crying in my bedroom. He told me "The kids at school say they'll play with me but when it comes to break time, they won't and I'm always left on my own".

The problem is he refuses to play football (which 90% of the boys play), he refuses to play bulldog as it's "rough and chavvy", he refuses to play "chase the girls" as its "stupid and immature" and then he wonders why the kids won't play with him!

DS2 also says he has heard DS1 calling the other kids "pathetic" in the playground. He stands looking at his reflection in the mirror, doing his hair and posing and then wonders why the other boys call him gay.

He's just ruined a really nice day out today because he wanted to leave early so whinged for hours and hours. Reason being that he wanted to get home and play on world of warcraft.

I do feel sympathy for him, I know what it's like to be different but he's really not helping himself by telling everyone how much better he is than them all the time. If I tell him this he screams "see, you hate me too!" and goes off crying.

His dad shrugs it off and says "he's so emo" but it's getting beyond a joke, I'm starting to lose sympathy for him and instead I'm just getting tired of him. Sometimes I wish I could leave him at home whilst we go out for the day so he can't spoil it by whinging and droning on and on about vampires and death etc etc. It's so tiring and frustrating.

I could understand if he was 14 and trying to freak me out but he's 10. He should be playing with his mates and climbing trees with his brother, not writing ffing poetry about being "alone and hated" whilst listening to Chemical Romance and Evanescence.

I'm starting to resent him and his attention seeking. I know I'm probably being harsh but I can see why the other kids avoid him

Oh dear...I can see why you find it trying. My sister went through a stage of being emo and it seemed like a competition with her and her friends as to who's life was the hardest, and lots of talk about being 'different' (despite all looking the same) and listening to some very depressing music. She was older than your DS though and I didn't have to live with her!

Is he going to secondary school this year....i'm sure that will help when he gets to mix with a much larger variety of people...some of whom will probably be into similar things to him.

I was a bit like this when i was young (pink hair at 13 etc etc), try not to worry, be there when he wants to talk to you and try to encourage gently him to get involved in something outside of school he might enjoy (for example we have a community young persons group who play rock music at town events, and drama groups). Maybe he could connect with people similar to him in controlled out of school events.
Dont worry - i am sure he will come into his own soon, sounds like he needs more confidence and i am sure it will come when he can be involved in something he is interested in

oh poor you
tis a phase
ds went through it
I wish you luck

He is crying out for love and friendship and acceptance from his peers [ I know you know this]
Probably thinking well I cant fit in so now sod them all
All the child pschyology books state kids will crave attention even if its negative rather than nothing
Poor him and poor you
He may love War Hammer Clubs - many of the boys who go are similiar and into world of war. Some are held in shops [ which works out more expensive as you end up paying for all the new items ] or youth clubs[ much cheaper] where the boys play different battles with fantansy armies.
He will met and interact with more with other boys his own age and build up a circle of friends outside school
You may have to bribe him initially but he may come to love it and become a passion

Agree about war hammer clubs. DS#1 was briefly interested in such stuff and we found there were quite a few about. Even one in school (he's in secondary now). It's much nicer being different in a group

DS also experiemented with emo style. But he's has long blond hair and freckles

Am I the only one who thinks a bit of therapy may be in order?
If the OP's son has always had trouble making friends, and now he thinks everyone hates him....sorry, I would be very concerned and I would take him to see someone.

I'm with Purpleduck here, this all seems a bit extreme at 10 years, I'd be less concerned if he was 15.

Have you any idea how he really fits in at school? Not what he says happens, but what actually happens? It may be worth getting to know his teacher, and finding out how he really relates at school, rather than believing his dramatised accounts....

Just a thought.

I agree with purple.

I think some of the other posters have missed the point. Its not about him needing to make friends, he has friends and still doesn't think he does. It seems people do like him, but he still maintains that they hate him.

I think maybe he does need to speak to someone. If he is putting it all on for attention, the scare of seeing someone about it will make him stop. And if there is a problem, it can be dealt with.

BTW I had no idea what you meant by 'emo', and I'm sure my ds (9)wouldn't know either. Where is he learning this stuff at 10 ??

I would take this quite seriously actually. I think he needs to speak to someone too.
I think it has gone beyond a certain "normal hormonal" phase from what you describe, some of the things that you say I can't pin down but I find a bit worrying.

At school clumsymum.

yes DSM that is it - the children seem to actually like him; it is HIS attitude that is perpetuating the negativity.

I'm with the others, he seems a bit young to be doing this, he's acting more like a teenager. Maybe he has started this and can't cope emotionally. Like someone said it's easier being different in a group (that made me laugh). Brcause of his crying it seems like he's not ready to be like this, it's an act he perpertrated (sp?!) to get attention and harden himself against bullying, but he is still lonely.

[sigh] see this is why i come close to punching anyone who tries to use the word 'emo' to me. when i was a teen there were a fair few of his ilk around... me and my friends referred to ourselves as metalers and called them 'the mini metalers' as they were annoying little children

sounds like your son takes far too much pleasure in being miserable which is quite worrying tbh

although to a certain extent i'd say he has a point... the other kids didn't like him when he was normal but they like him when he behaves in this way... so clearly they don't like him as a person but his persona which must be making him feel quite odd to say the least.

maybe he feels trapped in this persona he's created and doesn't know how to cope with this emotionally so is lashing out at you and your family.

although none of this excuses the way he speaks to the other kids... he may well be cleverer and more mature but that doesn't give him the right to ridicule... but then perhaps that's the way he was always spoken to by them when he wasn't the 'cool emo kid' and he thinks that's the way you speak to others when you're 'cool and interesting'

i agree with the others, you have no idea what happens when other kids are around, how he's spoken to, treated or interacted with and it's impossible to tell simply from his account of things.

this is very telling; 'The problem is he refuses to play football (which 90% of the boys play), he refuses to play bulldog as it's "rough and chavvy", he refuses to play "chase the girls" as its "stupid and immature" and then he wonders why the kids won't play with him!' so basically he's got no friends and no one to play with because he's got no-one with his interests, the other kids see him as an amusement but don't want to actually play with him and his own mother thinks it's his own fault for not being intersted in football, bulldog or chase the girls... and i have to say i don't blame him for not want ing to play those! (well, i'm guessing at what bulldog is but not certain tbh)

i think finding him interests outide school is a great idea, those war hammer clubs sound kind of cool.

i also think councelling might not be a bad idea, it did wonders for me at 15 (not for the reason i was sent which was self harming but for other issues surrounding how people interacted with me and how those close to me made me feel, and just generally making me feel that it was ok to be me, ok to be differant and i could still be liked even if i made mistakes some of the time)

I'd say the very best thing you can do is to embrace the 'emo' thing which will have one of two outcomes. Either he will eventually drop it because you think it's great and therefore it will stop being cool or he will feel accepted and wanted at home. Win, win I say.

agree with magnacarta on that score

just accept and whenever he says 'you hate me because i'm emo' say 'nope, love you tro bits and think the eyeliner really suits you love'

I would agree with the other posters and suggest some sort of counselling. The 'emo' thing worries me. 'Emo' became trendy in 2004-2005 (I think) and has now filtered down to younger children. The majority of this stuff is harmless e.g. hair dying and skinny jeans. Some of the music however has references to self harm and it has become almost trendy to self harm. If you already have an unhappy boy I would be worried about him getting too involved in what he may think emos do.

Wow, ten is young for this...
Agree with pinktulips, you need to be like a broken record- 'you hate me', 'no,we love you very much'... repeat repeat repeat. And a big yes to the idea of getting involved in the wargaming groups. Or is he interested in learning to play the guitar at all?

Further random thoughts -

Can I ask what the family outing was that caused the whinging?

There is a difference between having people to hang out with, and having friends - he could be the one in the group they all pick on. What, no-one else's childhood gang had a pecking order? Worth trying to find out what is really going on.

Worrying way he talks to others - is he quite bright academically? Are people always telling him how clever he is, and he's just repeating it because he's a bit insecure? Sounds like this should be something he grows out of, eventually he will notice how his peers react when he says these things.

It might be worth asking about this on Teenagers, I realise he isn't but they might have more ideas on dealing with this sort of thing.

As regards the music, I feel obliged to (unhelpfully) point out that neither My Chemical Romance nor Evanescence [sp?] are 'emo'.
MCR have dark lyrics but are actually pretty uplifting. If you (or he) read/watch any interviews with the band, they are very big on being anti-suicide and anti-self harm, and everyone being friends and supportive, and other hippie-type stuff.

good point about the music hellobeastie... there's alot worse he could be listening to

am also curious about the outing.... was it something he really wasn't enjoying? if so might not be anything to do with the emo thing that he whinged the whole time, most 10 year olds will whine and moan if dragged somewhere they have no interest in.

As others would add, I would be tempted to go to the GP and ask for a referral to the local Child and Family Therapy service, as he sounds so unhappy and is behaving in self-defeating ways. Sounds like you need some outside help too. It sounds very hard and I feel for you as a mum.

It's hard for boys when they don't enjoy physical games at school, but I am surprised there is no one else who is like him.

Another thought occurs. He obviously feels himself to be very different to everyone else. Do you think it is possible that he is questioning his sexuality? (or even his gender orientation). That would obv. be hard for him if he is picking up very negative attitudes to homosexuality around him

Might be worth contacting a support group for families of gay teens (I think there is one called Families Together maybe someone else knows).

Good luck x

MCR is so camp it's untrue! More like Frankenfurter than Frankenstein. Sorry but they do not take themselves seriously. And anyone who tops themselves due to MCR has a reality and a taking-themselves-way-too-seriously problem

Oh dear, poor you, it sounds like torture!

I can't offer any advice but maybe you could draw some comfort from the fact that as he's going through this "phase" early it might mean that he'll be thoroughly sensible by the time he's 16

Well he sounds very unhappy and a bot depressed to me. I think the poster who said he may feel that he is only liked for his persona and may feel a bit trapped by this may have a point. I think some counselling would be a good idea.