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Original poster

Help! I'm really confused about whether I want a second child!

19 replies

YaddaYaddaYadda · 06/04/2009 19:32

DH is sure he does but I have v mixed feelings.... Basically I didn't really like being pregnant, had a hideous birth experience, had postnatal depression and didn't like breastfeeding. However, now DD is older I think she's absolutely fabulous and adore every minute I spend with her. I think the real problem is that I'm simply just not really a baby person (am I allowed to admit that on Mumsnet?!?!)

I'm very close to my sister and would like DD to have a sibling, I'm just not that keen on going through pregnancy and birth again or the horrible sleep deprivation bit with a newborn. Oh, and a friend told me that 2 kids is 4 times as much work as 1 which has put me off further. And my final concern is that I won't love a second child as much as I love my DD.

Would love to hear the views / experiences of mums of 2, 3 or more and those who decided to stick with 1 DC.

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gardengrump · 06/04/2009 19:38

I'm pregnant with no. 2 and hate it! Can't wait for it to come. Once it's here I'll be fine, but being pregnant is awful IMO. Don't blame you for worrying.
Be prepared? If you're prepared for worst it might actually be better 2nd time round. I think 2 kids is half the work from my experience of looking after children or at least only 4/3 or 3/2. I'm sure you'll love the new one as much and grow to love the pair even more. I just think a sibling is a great present for DD.

lisasimpson · 06/04/2009 19:55

I felt the same, I was really torn between not wanting my ds to be an only child and 'can I really cope with having another bad birth and a newborn?'

in the end I reasoned with myself that the small baby stage is such a short time in their lives, and to look at the long term benefits.

After one half-hearted attempt the matter was settled for us and although it was tough for the first year I am glad we had a second. The way I look at it is that my sons have a brother for life - whether they chose to get on in the future or not!

As an only child myself I think I would always have been wondering what if... if we had not had ds2.

warthog · 06/04/2009 20:01

2 kids is not 4 times as much work as one. i find it less than 2 times, as already the older one is entertaining the younger. i just plonk baby down and she stares at her sister for HOURS. you're doing washing anyway. i'm blw'ing dd2, so she gets same as her sister. bath them at the same time. already have clothes / equipment / toys.

hand on my heart, i also thought i absolutely WAS NOT a baby person. i also had pnd, awful first pregnancy, whole experience was just terrible. i think it was the worst time of my life apart from when my dad died. now i have dd2 i realize i AM a baby person and i'm so glad i have her.

pregnancy isn't great, and my second birth was not better than first, just different but a whole lot quicker, so at least that was good. but the whole baby experience was just so much better. no pnd, much more confidence and i really am enjoying her a lot more.

now the question for me is whether to have a third???

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hotbot · 06/04/2009 20:26

your post could be mine, for all of your reasons..
we decided to do the deed and see what happens iyswim.
no 2 pregnancies or babies are the same and I am sure that mine and your confidence will be much better 2nd time round - having said that we are both too knackered to be truly enthusiastically trying !

Joe1977 · 06/04/2009 20:40

I'm not a baby person either, had a shocking time with DS1 and we thought long and hard about whether to do it again. DH and I both have siblings and decided that we wanted to give DS1 this opportunity as well.

DS2 arrived last June, he's fab and we love him to bits, but I am so sure that I never want another pregnancy that I was sterilised at the time of my CS with DS2.

kittykat21 · 06/04/2009 20:51

Hi I have two children, a DS and a DD. I absolutly love it! I don't think it's as hard as everyone makes it out to be, it's just different but you soon get used to it! My first pregnancy was horrible, I had hyeremesis for the first six months and was in and out of hospital with it, when DS was born I didnt think I'd want to go through that again, but I changed my mind and wanted to have another one. In my second pregnancy I had hyperemesis again and it was awful, but it was definatly worth it. My DD is now nearly 8 months old and I'm so glad I had her!
As for not loving a second child as much as a first child, I really wouldnt worry about it! I thought this while I was pregnant with DD but as soon as she arrived I loved her just as much as my DS.
The lovely thing about having two is how they interact with each other, my DS did get a little jealous at first but now he loves her and it makes me smile when I see him playing with her!

gingerninja · 06/04/2009 20:53

I've just had my second and I shared most of your fears but I can honestly say, that having a second has been a totally different experience so far. I had an easy enough birth first time around but I didn't enjoy the baby bit, felt horrible and miserable most of the time in the first 8 or 9 months, felt chronicly sleep deprived and was a cranky, hormonal old bag that resented being at home.

With my second, I didn't enjoy being pregnant and felt wretched towards the end, however, I instantly fell in love with DD2 and she made me fall in love with DD1 all over again. The love for two is very distinctive and different, you don't have a limited amount that is shared, you find more. I used to feel a horrible panic every time DD1 cried but with DD2 I felt much more nurturing. I think I was frightened of DD1, I had no idea what I was doing which led to me feeling out of control and unhappy. This time around I'm much more confident and I'm really enjoying it. (so far!)

Good luck with your decision

stillenacht · 06/04/2009 20:53

I had DS2 specifically to be a sibling to DS1 as i didn't want him to be an only child - turned out that DS2 has severe autism so DS1 almost lives life like an only child.....DS2 very special and brings love and heartache in equal measure

stillenacht · 06/04/2009 20:54

however i found baby stage (which i didn't enjoy with DS1 - BIIIG shock as we all know)much much easier with DS2 - if he hadn't had the autism life would be peachy now

trixymalixy · 06/04/2009 21:03

I'm pregnant with no 2 and had a lot of the same feelings as you.

I wanted another child to have someone for DS to play with as I have such a close relationship with my sister and wanted DS to have a chance of that.

I am absolutely dreading the baby bit!! I could quite happily skip the first 18 months. It is such a short time in their lifetime that I'm just going to have to go through and wouldn't have stopped me having another.

I worry about the love thing as well, but I've been reassured that there will be enough love to go round.

If baby no 2 is half as fab as DS then I will be more than happy.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 06/04/2009 21:07

Hmmm. I have spent the past 2 days in wild ambivalence and mood swings over this issue. It wasn't going to be an issue at all, I was quite settled into the idea that I have DS and he is a one and only. However it has now, erm, come up in discussions (no am not PG, definitely not).
DS is 4 and a lovely child. I had a v easy pregnancy and all has been well etc, no horrible traumas to put me off doing it again. DS also loves babies and younger children, is a very nurturing type of boy and has lately taken to making little remarks along the lines of 'Mummy, am I a brother? I want to be a brother...'
ON the other hand I am 44 now (so might not be able to concieve anyway). While everything's a risk and there are no guarantees, I worry about the possibility of having a baby with severe SN/disabilities and the impact of this on DS's life. I worry about having enough love/attention for two kids. And there are other huge changes that would have to happen as well.

stillenacht · 06/04/2009 21:14

Its all a risk isn't it really - at the age of 30 i had no idea that i would be treading the route of severe SN with DS2...its a toughie

NotSoRampantRabbit · 06/04/2009 21:17

I hated the baby bit with DS. Severe PND and the first 18 months of his life a complete blur. I feel that having him changed something in me, and not necessarily in a good way.

So why am I 32 weeks pg with no. 2?

I don't know. But I guess part of me thinks that you only regret the things you don't do. Part of me is hopeful that it will be a better experience. I certainly hope that I will be less anxious and this time round I have a network of friends with children who know me and will keep an eye on me. I am also planning - telling the midwives/HV about my experiences last time so that I am on their radar. Banning visitors for first week at least. Reading all I can to boost my confidence about giving birth and caring for a newborn.

Also I know that the really tough bit comes to an end (last time I was convinced my life was over). It is all "just a phase" and you can't control those little babies, they just do their thing and you go along for the ride.

I have always been a leap before you look sort of person and hope that I will have a slightly softer landing this time round.

Joe1977 · 06/04/2009 21:27

PS I know they get some bad press on MN, but I had a fab HV who helped me through pregnancy of DS2. Maybe you should have a chat to your HV if she is approachable and talk over your concerns with her?

compo · 06/04/2009 21:30

go for it
I had the same concerns as you but it's worth it

LadyG · 06/04/2009 21:35

Two is really lovely-the first few months were hard but have flown by and now they are 8 months and 3 and a half they are both soo much fun and very funny together.
It's not even twice as much work -however I do seem to spend my entire life sweeping the kitchen floor.
Agree pregnancy and childbirth and the newborn period hideous though but remember you have them for a whole lifetime and the whole awful (IMO) bit only really lasts a year or so.

amansabharwal · 03/10/2021 19:53

same condition..but don't know what to do.... should i have a second child for my first one or become selfish not having the second one... really confusing situation...help me out

Em2122 · 03/10/2021 20:14

You didn’t say how old your child is, but that will make a difference on how hard having a second is. I have two close together and it has and still is very hard, but your child may be in school already, and that would be much easier.I feel more of a bond with my children when I am just looking after one of them, when I have them both I feel stressed and like I’m not doing either of them a good job. They are only 1 and 2 though

Moonbabysmum · 03/10/2021 20:20

Whilst I find two a LOT more work than one (more than doubled), you also have time to learn.

What I mean is that if 1 child is level 1 difficulty, then pregnancy + toddler is level 2, then you have the baby and baby + toddler is (IMO) about level 1.5 (so harder than 1 child, easier than pregnancy plus toddler). By the time you get to toddler + toddler its about level 3, but you've been building up to it. Then if you only have one of them for a day, level 1 feels like a day off, which makes you realise how far you've come, if that makes sense.

Like by the end of a computer game, replaying level 1 seems easy, even if it didnt at the time. You know how the play the game with a second, even if the challenges are harder.

I absolutely love how thry play with eachother now, and how they frequently hold hands and tell each other how much they love eachother.

Love multiplies, not divides, and they love eachother too. My home (and heart) feels very full of love with two children. I have no regrets.

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