Children and funerals????

[joe999]

My DD is 4(almost 5) and my DS will be 7 at the end of this month. My DH and I are trying to decide whether they should attend their grandad's funeral. They were very close to him and part of me thinks they should have the chance to say goodbye like the rest of us, but the other part tells me they are too young to understand what is going on and we should spare them the upset.

I'd appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in this situation.

I went to my grandparents' funerals as a child and also saw my grandad at home soon after he had died. Looking back I am very glad that I did.

I can't remember my gran's funeral much as I was very young; but my grandad died during the day while I was at primary school, and it was a big shock as he had been fine as far as I knew when I left for school. He was living with us so was still in his room, and my parents asked whether I would like to see him. It was sad of course but at the same time I can remember him lying peacefully in bed in his pyjamas and having that feeling that "he" had gone. If I had not seen that, I think it would have been very hard to accept/understand that one moment he was there living with us, and the next suddenly gone; and I would have less memories of him now. It was the same with the funeral, although it was very sad it seems right to have said goodbye to him, and to have been there with my dad for it. I do think it also prepared me for other deaths and funerals as I got older.

So I think you should ask your kids; if they are strongly against the idea then that is their choice, but I think you may find they are keen to say goodbye.

My siblings and I went to our grandparents' funerals as children, and my DCs have been to DH's grandfather's funeral (when DS was 10 months) and to his grandmother's funeral (when DS was 4 and DD 11 months -- although I did have to take DD out part way through). I come from an Irish background so in common with other posters I tend to think that, all things being equal, it's entirely appropriate for children to be at funerals.

But there are exceptions to everything -- if someone thinks their DCs are too sensitive/this particular funeral will be traumatic/etc. then it's entirely their prerogative.

I went to my grandfather's funeral when I was 8 and my sisters were just 6, and a 6 months. My granny and my aunts and uncles wanted the church to be filled with people who meant a lot to him, so grandchildren were an integral part.
All told there would have been children of 17, 17, 16, 15, 13, 9, 8, 8, 6, 6 and 6 months as well as some great neices and nephews who were similar ages. None of us caused a scene or got overly upset beyond what you would expect.

I think your 7 y/o might be upset if not allowed to go, I know I still feel regret at not being able to go and visit him in hospital in the days before he died, of course in hindsight I understand my father didn't want his 8 y/o to look after as he said goodbye to his daddy and seeing grandfather in such a state would probably have upset me. But going to the funeral helped and Im still very very glad I went.

The first funeral I went to was my own mother's .
As I child I had been 'protected' by my parents, but I think it made the adult experience that much more traumatic.

That said, I didn't take my own children, then 5 and 2, to my mum's funeral, as I needed to be there for my Dad, and I wouldn't have been able to look after them.

Interested to see different perpectives though, as we have elderly grandparents, and will be afaced with the same decision in the future. I think DS1 (10) would handle it OK, but DS2 (7) would be v.v. upset. Agree that crematoriums are a bit 'grim' to explain .

Some crematoriums will leave the coffin in place until everyone has left. That can be very helpful.

We had all 6 great grandchildren (age range 1-10) at my grandpa's funeral. We had all dithered a bit about it but it was what our parents wanted and it was in fact a lovely day. Like others here, the children talk about it as a good experience.