HELP: Angry 13 year old DS with blind rages - anyone else any experience of the same

[Willow65]

I am single mum and recently my 13 yr old DS has been having blind rages resulting in him punching doors/walls and being destructive in the home. He also punches himself in the face and head. I have even had to call the police on a few occassions to try help control him. Rages are generally induced when he does not get his own way, in a competitive situation or something relating to his father. He is refusing to have contact with his father at the moment and is currently excluding from his grammar school due to his attitude, anger and behaviour. He has being referred to CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Service) who claim it is behavioural and not psychiatric however to them it is not a priorty case and I am still waiting for appropriate counselling/therapy. Normally he is a very bright, polite talented boy. I have another DS who is 10 and this is having an impact on the whole family and I am now currently off work with anxiety! Does anyone else have a similar story and can provide any words of hope?

Could not let this go unanswered, what a difficult situaton for you . As a teacher in a PRU (Pupil Referral Unit - for excluded kids), I have seen this type of behaviour often (and actually get it myself to a degree).

I would suspect one of the reasons is because he does not know WHY he is angry. And also perhaps does not know how to stop it.

IMVHO he DOES need counselling - he probably would deny it is about his dad and being left etc but it prob is. He is probably also really guilty about you too now and doesn't want you to be sad or anxious (lovely boy that he is ), and so really needs to talk about it with somebody else.

What does he say about it (when not in 'rage' mode?). You do need to be talking (in matter-of-fact way) about what he thinks he could do to cause least desctruction etc. He really needs to know from you that IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY but it's what he does with that anger that's important. Don't underestimate eating often too (even a Mars Bar) as hunger REALLY exacerbates this type of irrational rage (does in me too ).

There is a great kids book called 'Mighty Fizz Chilla' by Philip Ridley which might resonate.

Think it's ridiculous they haven't referred him already. Think this type of 'issue' (yuk, sorry) can really be dealt with early if identified. He may always feel the same way but learn strategies to deal with it - it would be of great benefit to him to learn those strategies now and not have to as an adult (with lots of expensive therapy).

In terms of hope, we see many, many children reintegrated back into mainstream education having learnt effective strategies for anger management, and receiving appropriate counselling/support. Parental support and love cannot be underestimated here and you are clearly showing it in bucketloads, so am sure there is no reason your son can't learn how to deal with it and be successful too.

Best wishes and good luck.

Thank you so much for your reply Umlellala which I found really comforting. I have had a couple of meetings with CAMHS and Social Services over the last couple of weeks and he has finally now being referred to see a Psychologist and will be starting Psycotherapy shortly. I evisage this will be a long process but as you say better that he learns strategies now rather than as an adult. There is a chance he may be referred to a local Pupil Referal Unit if his return to school on Monday 20th does not go as it should - he is still very fragile, although his rages are becmong less frequent (weekly rather than daily!!) and I am very nervous that he will not be able to control his anger at school as the slightest thing sets him off at the moment and I know that the school are inches away from a longer exclusion period. As it happens he is telling everyone that the problem is his Dad (CAMHS, Police, Social Services) so he is happy to talk about it and yes you are right that he feels guilty about me too. Your reply has given me hope particularly about successful reintegration as I have to say I am worried sick that he will end up in the Local PRU because he truly is a bright talented boy but is just so angry and unfortunately appears to be going through a private hell. I feel such a failure at the moment as a mother, which I know is silly and unproductive, but its heartbreaking to know my son is feeling this way and I cannot seem to help him and in some ways probably make it worse by not knowing how to react to his rages. Anyway could write and write on this for ages but thank you again for your response and for giving me some hope, I may contact you again for some advice should he be referred to the PRU if thats OK!!

Best Wishes