Teenage daughter worries

[GAJ]

Hi Everyone
My daughter is 13 almost 14 and she is driving me crazy. She naturally wants to spend more time with her friends than her family and I accept that but I do make Sunday a family day and last week she came with us to the beach and we had a great time.
As soon as we are back her friends are ringing putting pressure on her to go out.
She does singing on a monday, piano and athletics tues, swimming weds, out with friends Friday, Saturday is athletics and then out again, she is very talented in athletics and has just been picked up by a national coach and also very good at singing. My main problem is her homework !!
Her brother is doing his GCSE s and then onto A levels and hes looking forward to going to university, I have never had a days problem with him he is never rude as she is and always around prefering to be with the family. She is asking for money all the time put her on an allowance but she blows it and then moans about being skint, she s rude and grumpy reduces me to tears, I am very soft as I love her so much and want to be more of a friend than a nagging mum. she uses my makeup and loses it, she helps herself to my clothers and then leaves them on the floor of my bedroom, her bedroom is a mess. She is in the top class in school so I know she has the ability but she is lazy, her RE book that I saw last night had 0 out of 20 three times even though I always ask her about her homework and always make time to help her, I am worried that she is going off the rails and she wants to be a DENTIST, nno chance if she carries on like this, are any other girls out there as bad as she is, its really getting me down

She sounds a lot like my ds was in years 7& 8. At the beginning of yr 8 he announced that he wasn't going to do any work as it didn't matter, there weren't any SATS or anything.

It didn't matter how much we or the school (v. competitive grammar) nagged, he did bugger all and got an appalling report at the end of yr8.

This year, he's in yr 9 and is like a different student altogether. He's regularly getting A* for the subjects he's going to do at GCSE (still doesn't bother with the subjects he isn't taking), and at the last parents evening all the teachers were singing his praises.

My theory is that he coasted in the knowledge that he could pull it out of the hat when he needed to and that's exactly what's happened.

Maybe your dd just needs another year or so to mature and once she's doing GCSEs will pull her finger out.

Good luck

You're NOT her friend you ARE her mum, nagging or otherwise. A parent does no child any favours by trying to be their friend....

Do NOT let her use yuor make up or clothes. She gets her own. If she trahses yours the cost comes out of her allowance.

Let her not do any homework and take the consequences. I presume she is Year 9? If so the consequences of not doing any homework shouldn't affect GCSEs.

Maybe she does too many activities in the week? She shoudl spend time with friends - she;s a teenager, and it doesn't seem like she has much spare time to do that.

Be strict but give her some responsbility for herself too.

Thanks for the feedback, yes she does do too many activities in the week and I am desperately telling her not to she says she has to as she wants to lose weight ! she is tiny a size 6 and I have told her she is lovely as she is and am worried as she is so focused on her body image there seems to be enormous peer pressure, as you can imagine everytime I stop something it ends up in a huge row. And as for her being a teenager and letting her go out with her friends she is spending too much time being a typical teenager she is out hanging around every chance she gets. I need to rein her in a bit its very very difficult it sounds like I am a walkover but according to her I am the strictest mum ever, I grounded her for a month because I found out that a crowd of them had alcohol and yet all her friends parents didnt seem to care, that is what is so difficult that they all get on with it and she sees me as the big bad wolf, I suppose Ive just got to be tough and stick with it and hope she improves next year, thanks for your input.

You do sound very worried about having a big row, and very worried by the thought that she may see you as the big bad wolf. Would it help if you could tell yourself that it might actually be good for her to have those feelings and get through them? Most of us have felt exactly the same about our parents, most of us have had to grudgingly give in, and most of us have been grateful for this later on.

As Titchy says, you're not her friend. When you can look her in the eye with a smile and point this out to her, I think you will find it makes life easier.

And surely it's easy enough for you to restrict how many activities she does? Aren't you the person paying for them? Just say you have revised the budget and x no of activities is all you can afford.

(For my 12yo the number is currently 2 a week- though she's only doing one, but she has been warned that changed circumstances may mean cuts).

As for allowances, they will only work if you are prepared to laugh at her if she comes moaning to you when she's spent it. Surely your boss won't give you more money if you moan because you've blown it all? She needs to know what life is like.

Hi Gaj

I have just found mumsnet and I could have written this message myself!! My 14 daughter was stressed and took quite a few of My antidepressants and some iron tablets, thinking she would feel better and be less tired (to do homework). She did on 3 occasions in one week and I didn't know. eventually she took herself to the docs and told her! she was in hopsital for 4 days. I also found out that she had been drinking. I grounded her. I let her go to the pics with friends - took her there and picked her up at the door. Later that evening I found alcohol in her room with her and her friend, so she is grounded again! She too is more bothered that her friends can get away with it, and I am the strictest mum ever!!

she sounds perfectly normal to me- in fact she sounds very good.

Sounds normal to me too GAJ. She's a teenage girl and we all were once. I shudder at some of the things I got up to (and smile too .. Can you sit with her in a sane moment and agree some ground rules - eg: no more money once she's spent it, so no point in asking for it. Homework done at a set time at weekend/ number of activities during the week, etc, etc - ie get her to agree to it all. Then if she breaks it, well just ignore it or set a sanction she's agreed. ie make big rules, but make her part of them.

You need to be a mum (nagging or otherwise) FIRST and friend second. This is sooo important. My DD of same age can be hard work. There is a brill book called 'get out of my life' from Amazon with some brill advice. Girls this age always put friends first, that's totally normal. We struggle too as our life seems to revolve around DDs plans. So we have a few family days out still (she has to come) but on the other days she can see her friends. I won't lend DD make up, luckily she doesn't wear it yet. i would give her an allowance and let her buy her own. DD also needs encouragement to do her homework. Maybe tell her if she does all her homework after school, she can go out? I was quite bad at that age, they do come through it!

Me 13 did this before xmas. We are used to her being horrid at home(shes a teenager) but then she started being a big of a pain at school, nothing too dreadful but several of her teachers commented on whenever there was a voice heard it was DD's. Whenever there was any "girly" trouble DD was involved because she likes to get involved with everything!
I spoke to her head of year who passed me on to one of the senior management. We had several meetings with and without DD and we had to give her some very strict parenting (ie: a month of no phone, no computer, no going out, I cancelled her Bebo account etc) She had to earn these things back by improving her behaviour at school and at home. It was hard for me to stick to these things (having other children around it it sometimes easier to avoid the shouting, iykwim!)and she stamped and screamed alot but when she realised that we werent backing down she started to behave.

Her "grounding" lasted about 5-6 weeks but it did work.

Sounds normal to me too.

I know that doesn't help when you are worried and upset, but it will pass eventually.

She sounds to me like in the long run she will benefit from you being a little more strict. Don't let her borrow you make up. Get her some smart price stuff if she doesn't have her own. Allowance on a Friday if all homework done and bedroom tidy.

Another thing to consider is - is she tired? My eldest dss was crying last week telling me how tired he is from doing too many activities, his mum won't listen to him about how tired he is and is calling him lazy! They need more sleep at this age, and strong boundaries. (Like toddlers) If she won't drop an activity or two, and if she is very talented at them all I see it would be hard to chose one to drop, then she needs to look after herself by getting enough sleep.