Advice needed

[nbee84]

A very good friend of mine asked me a question today. She has 2 children - 2 year old and 5 month old. She and her husband are sorting out their wills and have asked if they could put me down as the person to take on their children if something should happen to both of them (the parents)

Now, I love their kids to bits and would say yes if I only had myself to consider. But my husband is not really into children and our own children are now 15 and 20 - so almost off our hands. When I asked him his reaction was 'have they not got any family to ask?' They both have elderly parents and a brother who has said no as he is on the verge of splitting up with his wife. So, while my husband has not said no, I know he is not keen.

I realise that the odds of something happening to both parents are so small, but you can't say yes and just pray that nothing does happen, can you?

Any thoughts and advice on this would be appreciated.

Can you sit your husband down and explain that you take this decision very seriously and that you want a definitive answer from him?

I suppose the question is: if the worst did happen, does your friend have a realistic alternative option? And, if she doesn't, would you step forward or would you have to say no and perhaps have the children fostered or adopted? If you know that, actually, you and your dh cannot step up to the plate, it's only fair to tell your friend so that she can consider alternative arrangements. But if actually you would take the kids in because you couldn't bear to turn your back on them, you may as well face up to that (and pray it will never happen).

Just been chatting with hubby and we've both said we need to have a further chat with friends to establish what other options they have. Neither of us would like to see their children go into the care system but in an ideal world they need a family solution because if it did come down to us neither of us really know their families and contacts within their family would obviously need to be kept up, so we wouldn't just be taking on 2 children.

Was intially very proud that she thought enough of me and my relationship with her children to ask me, but when you start thinking of all the ins and outs, it's actually a very serious responsibility to take on.

Yes, it is. I recently had two friends IN ONE WEEK asking me this same thing. I did have to gulp, rather hard (I live in a rabbit hutch!). For me there was no question, really; I would move heaven and earth to make sure their kids were ok. But it's the sort of promise you can't make unless you're sure you can honour it, and obviously your dh's feelings can't be ignored.

You're right - I would want to do all I could for them but at the end of the day I have to think 'would I do it if it caused marital problems and issues?' because although I love children and could do the parenting thing all over again it doesn't follow that dh could or would be willing to.

Absolutely. Don't be driven by guilt: only offer what you can do with good grace and sustain over time.