Please please help - what do you do with a 10 year old with an anger problem?

[plug]

DS has just kicked off once again. He's hurt his sister (deliberately and unprovoked), but rather than say sorry, hang his head, take a few cross words from me and move on, he's stropped off then come back and given me a load of "I hate you's" etc etc. It's like a red mist descends which turns him into a different person. Once it's lifted, he'll be very sorry but tbh, it's happening too often and I'm well aware that we're heading into the choppy waters of the teenage years, so I really want to get to grips with this now, before it gets completely out of hand.

Please help

please anybody

Is everyone too busy elsewhere?

Oh

i have seen this anger workbook for kids. It was american but it was pretty good. helped them self evaluate but was pretty good.

can't remember what it was called but going to google it and get back to you.

hot stuff to help kids chill out

and ' a volcano in my tummy'

I think its very hard to be 10 years old these days and children are subjected to lots of pressures and moods through entertainment that we never were.

I think as a mum of 3 sons 2 of them teens the only way to survive this is to remain consistent and continually remind him of what is acceptable and what isnt - your children will fight,siblings time over have but you need to set boundaries and stick to them.

When my sons have acted like that (and trust me they all do) its no good reasoning a quick sharp removal is effective being sent straighht to his room for a period of time then later when hes calm you need to say why it wasnt acceptable and what future repercussions will be.

My ds2 is the unruly one and several times he was late home not by any significant amount short errands seem to take longer and so I said to him the next time i asked him to run an errand every minute he was back after 8 would be a day grounded,he cme home 23 mins late so he stayed in for 23 days after school.

It was harsh and ds1 and dh asked me to let him off but I knew if i did it would have all been pointless and hes not been late since.

Boys need boundaries they need rules and they need love.

Oh thankyou you two, I'll have a look at those books.

nickschick, I think you're right, ds seems unhappy atm and I need to get to the bottom of it. But when his red mist descends, I cannot get him to go to his room, which is half the problem - I know he needs to calm down but he follows me round, upping the ante. he's too big for me to pick up and plonk in his room now.

i so know the 'too big to pick up and plonk in room thing' .

I have been known to plonk myself in my room instead - doesn't really help though and definitely doesn't help his sister.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

I have no experience but I know when I get stressed and bad tempered I need some kind of release.

Does he do any kind of physical activity? Perhaps like a martial art or something physical but also controlled? Climbing?

It might be worth a try if it takes the anger out of the situation a bit, you might get a better handle on his behaviour.

I have been discussing this with my sister recently. It is really a return to the terrible twos temper tantrums but now with content. So possibly the way to do it is as how you would manage a 2 year old. Do no engage, do not escalate it, be clear what the consequences are and walk away. The most important part of discipline is the certainty rather than the severity. We also discussed that we need to review the sanctions...ie they now dont care if Tv or play station is cut...but missing out on football training/ cancelleing play date makes them sit up. Recently I have been putting my big ones outside the back door. It is quick easy and effective especially in the winter. I think the content is upsetting as a parent. But I have also taken to try to look at it as just emotion and a cry for help. If thye get themselves in a real state I often say I think you need a hug...and the tantrum then subsides...and we talk thru the issue...until the next time!

Can I tentatively suggest martial arts? I had a friend as a teenager who had a rough childhood and a lot of anger. He did Wing Chun (Not sure if that is how it is spelt) and his instructor taught him how to manage his anger effectively and taught him about pacifism. Even when he went through some challenges as a teenager (gf cheating on him etc) he found he could manage his anger and let it go privately without hurting anybody or anything.

My DP gets the red mist as well. It seems to be related to diet - it's much more likely to happen when he has been drinking (not suggesting your 10yo drinks alcohol - but possibly something to watch out for when he is much older) but I also notice a slight increase in how stressed he seems to be when we have been eating a lot of processed food.

Hi

I have a 9 year old with a severe aggression issue; its the flip side of sn for him but nonetheless if you want to emal me I can suggest books for both of you thatds1 finds helpful?

Sorry would list here but am bf ds4andavoiding the half chewed ricecake he is trying to smear me in LOL

peachy the netter at googlemail dot com

Plug - my 10yo starting doing this recently. One time he did it before school. I told him he was not allowed to go to school and that he had to calm down properly and that we needed to discuss his behaviour/temper. He was absolutely shocked that I was keeping him out of school, it had a BIG effect and after a while (and some tears) he started to talk rationally.
When he went back to school in the afternoon, I went with him and spoke to his teacher and the Head.
It has really helped that his school is aware. He is thought of as a perfect pupil so they were surprised but said it was not unusual at that age. He has had chats with teacher and school counsellor and we haven't had another incident (well not a really big red mist) since then. Fingers crossed

My son is similar sometimes. As everyone else has said we have tried (and it is sometimes difficult) to be firm and consistent and explain (again and again) that this kind of behaviour has consequences.

But they do have to be consequences that have an effect. If banning/removing stuff doesn't work, can you try placing limits on his freedom? Grounding etc?

Our son is very keen to go out and about more independently to play out more and roam further away from the house. We don't let him yet, and I am using the 'better behaviour' thing as a carrot: if he displays more maturity in following instructions and dealing with his feelings in a more appropriate way, then I will be more confident to let him go off on his own more.

I know it isn't directly connected but it is working VERY well.

Wilf that is a good idea re: the carrot of more independence. Our sanctions at the moment tend to be around pocket money but ds is extremely keen to have more freedom and that might work.

My ds is just 9 and and I find that lots of physical activity keeps a lid on any anger issues. Too much time on the ds is never good for him.