I have an issue with a child at DD's school and I'm not sure how to handle it.

[SecretSlattern]

DD is 5 and in reception and has made friends with another little girl. The other girl's mum is lovely and has been helping out with the school run on days when DH and I both work (mainly only a Friday but with the odd day here and there) so she very kindly picks DD up and takes her to her house for an hour after school.

Her DD is a spirited little thing and has older siblings so you would expect a bit of attitude to rub off on her. However, she is being increasingly nasty (and that really is the only word for her) to DD to the point where DD is now asking to change schools. Up until recently, the girls were getting on really well. But now, the other girl hits my DD around the face if DD does something she doesn't like/want her to do, she gets up in her face and screams at her calling her names and on Friday smacked her round the face and shouted at her "the more you cry, the more I like it".

Her mum tries hard to curb her behaviour, threatening her with the naughty chair and taking toys/priviledges away but it doesn't seem to be working. My instinct is to stop DD having contact with this child because nothing seems to work, she is the same with her own mother, but I have no alternatives on a Friday for the school run and also the 2 girls are in the same class at school.

I don't want to fall out with the other mother because despite the girls' goings on, we get on quite well. We have, so far managed not to fall out over the girls, but I'm sorry, I don't feel that DD should be spoken to or treated the way she is by this child.

I don't really know the best way to handle it but I'm getting to the point of frustration with it and I am hurt for DD. DOn't get me wrong, DD can give as good as she gets, she really isn't an angel but she would no way dream of talking to or treating another person the way this child does. I have told DD to try and ignore her when she kicks off or when at school, tell a teacher. What I really want to tell her to do is to hit the kid back when she starts, but I know that is not the right thing to do and ultimately will make her as bad as the other child.

WWYD?

You need to speak to the teacher asap. This is happeneing during school time.

I'm not sure you need to discuss it with the mother of the other girl. There is no need for you to fall out with the mum but this needs addressing and fast.

I am friendly enough with lots of mums but I wouldn't hesitate to get a situation like this sorted out regardless of how friendly I was with anyone's parents.

Your dd is very young and needs you to step in here. Sometimes children take a bit of settling in during reception. The teacher will want to know about this so she can help.

Have you tried having a quiet word with the teachers?

I don't know if I'm way off the mark here but
"the more you cry, the more I like it" Doesn't sound like something a 5 year old would say spontaneously.

Could someone have been saying this to the little girl or been treating her like this?

Oh hang, so sorry, on re-reading this, they do spend time together outside of school.

Hmm..I think you still need to speak to the teacher for sure. Is the mum likely to be receptive if you speak to her? You may need to gently put her in the picture if it's happening at her house too then.

"The more you cry, the more I like it" is an unusual thing to be saying.

Your poor DD, she is being bullied and then has to go to the bully's house? What a nightmare. Is there absolutely no alternative here? I am sorry, but there is no way I would let my child go there. Would your employer's let you finsh early? Do you have any family that could help?

I agree with Supercherry. There has to be an alternative. You can not in all honesty send your child home with someone you know is likely to hurt her.

You could get a childminder of after school care? You can't let her continue going to this girls house surely??

TBH the mum is notthe issue - I could have this with my best friend and it would not make any difference to my wish to protect my child. This kind of thing is not aboutthe individual incidents - it is about how a child starts to feel about themself and the affect on their self esteem and confidence.

Personally. I would do anything I possibly could to take my child out ofthat situation. From her point of view you are placing her in that enviroment every week.
I do symapthise but I am more sympathetic towards your DD.

Agree with the other posters, you have to try to find other arrangements for the Friday school run. Look up your local Childcare Information Service for childminders, or put an ad on gumtree, or ask around the other mothers at school. (Have a look at the childcare boards on here.)

And you need to speak to the teacher.

I typed out a long well reasoned reply which I seem to have lost (grrrrr) which basically said I would not stand by while my 5 year old was smacked and screamed at by anyone at all, even another 5 year old. You cannot use the school run help as an excuse to allow this to happen to your dd. Thats just lame. Sorry.

Thanks for your responses.

The teacher is aware of the problem as at the last parent's eve a couple of weeks back, I asked her if DD was getting on ok with the other child at school. According to the other child's mum, her DD is very well behaved at school but according to the teacher, DD has had a few issues with her at school which have been sorted out there. I have asked the teacher to keep an eye on them both and to let me know as soon as anything arises. So far, everything seems ok at school all bar the odd "I'm not your friend" incident which is what I would expect at 5. The kids in my reception class are the same.

At present, my dad isn't working so has been helping out with the Friday school run which has been fab because it means DD is spending less time with the other girl outside of school. This latest incident happened when my mum (who fortunately was off work) collected DD from school and they were walking home together. My mum has no qualms about stepping in and apparently told the child off although this didn't go down too well with the other mother.

DH dropped down from full time to part time to do the majority of the school runs which has helped. We just have a major problem with the Friday, or at least we will have once my Dad goes back to work. A childminder is a possibility which I had not considered, so thanks for flagging that up.

I know that I shouldn't be allowing her to go there and I honestly feel shit for it and have tried to find alternatives. I am thinking of after school club on the Friday after half term as I think this would be better. DS already goes to a CM and unfortunately she is full so wouldn't be able to take DD on too, I doubt I would be able to afford to pay for 2 CMs either.

I work in a school so finishing early isn't really an option.

Thank you all for your responses though, they have given me lots to think about. I get what you are saying about DD being bullied. I hadn't thought of it like that and I feel terrible that that is, in essence, exactly what this is.

If you use a CM for your son, why didn't it occur to you to use one for your DD?

I think it is good your Mum stepped in.

If it's only for a Friday your CM can apply for a variation in numbers to allow her to have your dd (am a CM and have done this)

Have you asked her if she would consider doing this?

It didn't occur to me because at the time the arrangements were made, the 2 girls were getting on quite well. I suppose it has been a case of seeing it for myself and growing increasingly uncomfortable with it. This latest incident has really highlighted just how bad things are. The problem is, DD loves her .

I didn't know CMs could apply for variations on their numbers, so will definately ask her if this is a possibility. Thanks.

Your child loves the one who is bullying her?

Meant to add that I am pleased my mum stepped in. I am a wuss, hence my asking here how best to handle it.

Yes, she writes her letters and makes her cards and invitations to imaginary parties. I do think they do have the odd moment when they do get on and play nicely together but from the things I've seen, these are few and far between.

Sadly children often do try to be nice to people who are horrible to them, because children absorbe the idea that bad things happening to hem are their own fault, and if they can be nicer to the bully, the bully will like them and stop hurting them.

Sounds horrible for your dd, glad you see you need to do something. It can be awkward though when the adult is someone you get on well with.

How about after school club on that day - they really aren't that much money and tbh I would rather pay out than be worrying my child was not happy.

Hope you get it sorted.