Mummy guilt: BFing newborn and feeling like I'm neglecting my toddler

[laumiere]

My DS2 will be 5 weeks old on Saturday and this week has just been impossible. He won't be put down for more than 15 min without demanding the breast, and feeds for about 10-15 min each time before dropping off to sleep, then waking about 15 min later.

I'm exhausted and getting tearful about it all, not least because I have a 2.8yo DS who is basically being raised by CBeebies at the moment and the housework is mounting up. I just feel like neither of them are getting any quality time at the moment, and feeling even more guilty as DS1 is non-verbal due to CP and while my mum was here after the birth and giving him exclusive 1:1 time his speech and walking really came on, and I'm sure it's back-sliding now she's gone....

Other things:
DH does what he can to help with DS1 but works nights so isn't able to take him in the day.

I do use a sling to cart DS2 about outside (DS1 needs a wheelchair buggy and I can't push 2) but injured my back during labour so baby-wearing to settle DS2 isn't an option.

I had a similar situation with ds1 and ds2, because ds2 was almost permanently on the breast. I found that if I fed ds2 in the rugby ball hold (tucked under one arm rather than across my body), ds1 could sit on my lap, and I could get an arm round him and hold a book to read to him, though turning the page wasn't easy.

It will get better, I promise.

And congratulations on the arrival of ds2.

oh poor you! no experience of 2 dcs i must admit but i would call in reinforcements - a postnatal doula if you can afford it (they are ten pounds an hour and will do whatever you need them to), or call in Homestart [http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/]] for someone to come and visit and take one of them for a bit. Hope things get better for you soon!

Have you spoken to your health visitor about his feeding? My health visitor was fantastic and had loads of advice that made a huge difference. When the baby has his naps, could you play with your other son or when he's feeding, could you chat to your other son, you could cuddle him in beside you so he dosn't feel left out.
I only have one child and she's 4 and at nursery now so I'm not really qualified to advise really. Does your older son go to nursery? That might help you out and be benificial to him.
It will get better as your babys feeding pattern improves.

Hi laumiere. Guilt guilt guilt - as soon as we become mothers it becomes the default setting I swear!

I have 19 mths between my dcs and can totally sympathise with you in this situation. I felt exactly the same as you and IMO it's only natural. As far as I'm aware my dd (4) doesn't bear any emotional scarring from the time when her little bro was tiny, and I'm sure yours won't either .

Please try to remember it is only a short time they are so small and feeding so frequently, and before you know it you'll be chasing them both round as they play together. Don't beat yourself up - you are doing the very best for both of your dcs .

Thanks all, DS1 goes to a fab nursery 4 afternoons a week, and I managed to take them both out for a walk today and chatted lots to DS1 about what we saw, and was rewarded with lots of reciprocation so feeling a tiny bit more positive!

I haven't got an HV yet as they got a bit confused and thought i'd been assigned one, but will bring it up at DS2's 6 wk checkup. And I'll try the rugby ball hold, thanks!

Sorry about typos, DS2 is asleep on me.

hi there,

21 months between my 2 and yes, I do remember that guilty feeling - not only of ignoring dd but also of feeling sad that 'our' old way of life had passed. Now had to incorporate a new person into it and adapt. It's what you do, things aren't going to be the same and they don't stay like this forever either.

Coped by explaining why mummy was feeding the baby and got her her to do the same with dolly, got dh to amuse her as much as poss when available and leaned on tv a lot. I know people recommend reading while feeding, but i could never manage that. Sort them out with a snack and drink BEFORE you start.

Housework isn't really important, if you must just have clean dishes and clothes - anything else can wait.
You will get a routine eventually - your ds is only 5 weeks old! Get outside also - fresh air will tire both of them out and you can't see the mess in the house.

Hugs to you - you'll get there!

Have just posted similar question before reading yours!

I found I gave into a dummy for DD3, I didn't have them with the girls but DD3 would have stayed permanently attached to my breasts the entire day given the chance and it just gave me a chance to put her down while she sucked happily on the dummy.

I've managed not to use it for sleeps, just for when I really need to spend time with my other girls.

I also find reading works as long as DD3 isn't having a fussy feed where she comes on and off.

Plus as the babe stretches a little more between feeds, save ceebeebies for feeding time.

Colouring also helps, is that an option? As you are sitting next to them and can hold baby at same time.

Hi Hatty, DS2 absolutely refuses a dummy (or formula) so am stuck with it for time being. DS1 doesn't really have the motor skills for colourong but will have a try with crayons and scribble paper later.