About to give up

[Lilolily]

This is my first post on here. I joined a while ago and browse around often, wanting to post but never quite getting around to it.

Sorry that my first post is this, its just right now I'm so desparate for advice and I honestly feel I have nowhere to turn. I should probably say that this is just written straight out, and obviously its not just this one issue, lots of things are incorporating; sorry if it doesn't make much sense.

I'm not sure whether its just the time of the month or what but I'm really struggling. I don't feel able to cope with general stuff. I was away recently for some time but it took about two hours for the novelty of Mummy being home to wear off and my twins were back to being brats. It's an awful thing to say but I'm not happy to be home.

Over there it was tidy, and quiet; the children did as they were asked, and weren't noisy or messy, and went to bed with stories and smiles and songs. Don't get me wrong, I know that its my own fault, and that I have to change it, and I'm trying believe me, but its hard.

I came home immediately from work tonight, in order to have dinner together, bath and play with them, read them a story and get them into bed at a decent hour, so that tomorrow morning won't be a repeat of this morning, whereby everyone left the house angry at eachother (sad, but not unusual). Things were going ok(ish) until we went upto the bathroom. There are bits of paper all over the floor. I can smell burnt paper, again. So I ask them about it, they deny it. Eventually they admit they have been burning paper again (ongoing battle) but can offer no explanation as to why other than "we just do it because were only little".

We have done everything humanly possible to stop them finding lighters, I have sat them down and explained the reasons, I have even shown them photos of burned children, I just don't know what else to do.

I am at the end of my tether really and if anyone has any advice, I'm totally and utterly willing to take it on board. My girls are seven, and I'll be brutally honest here, I feel like I have NO relationship with them. The way I feel, is that they don't have any respect for me, they don't listen to a god damn word I say, they treat me like a total skivvy, and don't help out even when asked (which is rare). They have no respect for the house or belongings, everything we have thats nice just gets trashed and so I don't see the point in having anything. At the moment, its like living in a warzone, I'm not a nice or good Mummy and they deserve better.

I have tried so many times, with the star charts, naughty step, rewarding, taking away priveledges, praising etc, but nothing works. And if I'm totally honest, I'm tired, I feel like I can't do it anymore. I don't know how people be parents, and enjoy it. I don't feel like I've ever had a relationship with them and I really think now its gone too far, it'll just keep getting worse and when they're teenagers..... I don't even know.

I try so hard and I fail everytime. I often think about just getting on a train and disappearing, they'd be better off without me. I never planned to have children and I think that some people just aren't cut out for it. Just because people CAN become parents doesn't mean they SHOULD, I love them so much but maybe I just wasn't meant for this important job.

Again, sorry to be so down on my first post. Any and all advice much appreciated!

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Thankyou so much, all of you. I may have to disappear for a while as I am at work at present but I really appreciate all your advice, and you jut taking the time to listen to me. It feels like its been a long time since anyone has.

They seem fine at school, the teacher said at the last open evening that they are a bit too sociable! (too much talking) but other than that doing well. We moved them to this school in January and they knew no-one else so we put them in a class together, but they were separate at their previous school and I wonder whether that was a mistake. Theyre moving to an infant/juniors in September so I think we'll maybe split them again as some of their friends will be there.

School have had a word recently about them being late frequently (although its only ever a few minutes) and also DH sometimes being a few minutes late to collect them, and after reading posts on here, I'm worried about asking them anything about how the girls are doing for fear they might overreact and call SS!

You are definately not alone - i have 3 dc's - 8, 3 & 2 and i have days where i despair and wonder why anyone would ever want kids!!

Firstly how do they get hold of lighters or matches? Im not sure where they would get them from tbh - do not have them in the house at all and they cant get them - do you smoke or relatives smoke? Tell them they must NOT leave them lying around.

I think you need to start with 1 or 2 aspects of their behaviour that annoys you the most and really work on it - try and ignore the other stuff ( I do know how hard it is though)

If they are not respecting the things they have - take them all away - when they go to school pack up their toys, computers etc and hide them tell them they get them back when they can behave but make sure that you give them back for every small good behaviour.

Do they do outside hobbies - swimming, dance etc - do they have anything outside if home and school that allows them to be individuals?

okay I haven't had time to read all the responses I have my own little devil, sorry dd, that needs feeding. So I apologise if I repeat anything.

It does sound like you are struggling, and it's no wonder. My sisters and I were very close in age and I remember the trouble we got into, which is why I waited four years between mine lol. I can only imagine how tough twins are. Admitting that you are struggling is nothing to be ashamed off. Dd1 drives me to distraction most days, there are often times when I want to go somewhere and forget all about her.

Why don't you want anti deperesents? It's nothing to feel bad about and may help in te short term with your coping skills. Try considering it.

The first thing you need to sort is the firelighting. Do they visit people who smoke or keep lighters? They are getting them from somewhere you need to find out where.

I presume that they are lighting the fires in the sink so that they can put them out quickly? Fit a fire alarm above the sink. They are cheap enough now and the noise and the fact that you or DH will be alerted immediately might put them off.

Behavior wise, while you feel like your children are the naughtiest things living, they are probably just normal 7 y o. But it feels harder because you have double the trouble.

Sit down with DH and discuss what would be the best measure to manage their behavior be it strict routines, reward charts, naughty step whatever, but when you have decided you need to be consistant. And it will take time so don't give up when things are still the same a week a later. Your twins will soon learn that you mean business.

As for not feeling like part of their lives, do you spend much one on one time with each twin seperately? Try and give each one some time alone with you once a week. Maybe a trip to the park or the cinema while Dh does something special with the other one.

Parentline is 0808 800 2222 they will be able to offer more support and advise. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

And finally go easy on yourself. It is hard raising children, especially twins. No one gets it right all of the time. Stop beating yourself up about it, I bet you are doing a great job even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Keep posting we are all here to help and support you.

Thanks. I guess I am afraid to ask for help, I'm afraid that if I admit I cant cope, then someone will take them away from me, and I couldn't bear to lose them, I love them SO much. More than I ever believed it possible to love someone..

Lilolily. My dts are only small (2.3) but my ds1 (6), has been challenging and so I feel I can relate to what you are feeling. I know how horrid it is to have those feelings and to be at the end of your teather. I read a post on here a long time ago of someone going through similar, although with only one dc. General advice given was to keep telling your dc how much you love them/like them etc and that'll eventually rub off.

Personally when I'm about to loose it I often pretend the dcs don't belong to me and act accordingly, I find this makes me deal with them in a far calmer way, you wouldn't just explode at a stranger the way you might your own, sounds weird reading it back but works for me, I have a bad temper and don't like loosing control.

I have found spending time alone with ds1 incredibly helpful in making stronger bonds between us (I have 5dcs). He'll often be an angel the whole time and then kick off as soon as we get back, but we've had that short time of happiness to relate back to. Through the week we have a fairly strict routine which I find even though he doesn't want to do the thing (from getting dressed to whatever) he does eventually get on with it. At the weekend I keep the dcs outside and busy as much as possible. We do lots of woodland walks etc so I can keep a eye on them and wear them out.

I know you say you've tried everything but new routines do take some time to kick in, esp as they get older.

I know you're feeling really down on yourself at the moment and when you're stuck there it can be hard to see light at the end of the tunnel but you'll get there.

As for the lighters, well they can pick them up anywhere, I've found two lying on bus seats this week. If I think ds1 might have something he shouldn't I causally frisk him disguised as a tickle. It means we can avoid confrontation and have fun at the same time. I used to love fire as a child, actually I still do. I have no idea how to tackle this, other than to keep a closer eye on them. My own dcs are obsessed by water.

I've had some real down moments regarding my parenting skills over the years. Yesterday a lady on the bus told me my children are a credit to me and I could have cried with happiness. You will get there. Remember the mantra, "this too will pass".

No one will come and take them away from you. My doctor asked me on monday how I was coping with dd1 as "she seems like she is a difficult child to deal with"

But while she was running riot around his office and diving on and off his patient bed and ignoring my requests to calm down, I had to admit that most days I don't cope well with her. I just try to ignore what she is doing as much as possible .

He wrote on her file to the peadatrician that ADHD is a possibilty and to investigate further. He then asked me to book an seperate appointment to discuss how I am doing with him.

Health professionals are there to help. They don't want to take your children away. Please ask for help if you feel you need it.

wonder if this is of any help?

Thankyou so much, all of you. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to listen and to offer your advice. I have to go offline for a while but I will be back as soon as possible. I'm going to call DH at lunchtime and arrange for us to do something separately with them ASAP, and I'm going to sit down and concieve an action plan to change this and make it better.

Thank you all, so much.

You're a lovely mum, the fact that you're reaching out to others is testament to that, there are mums who really don't care and you're not one of them. Like Shabster, I'm now a gran, I'm 49 and have a 22 year old daughter and 8 months old grandson. None of us are perfect or professional parents, my love, we all just muddle along and hope for the best most of the time! I've always felt like every other mum had a manual on how to do this and I was the only one who didn't! Your twins sound normal and natural and, FWIW, I too had a fire fixation at age 6 or 7 or something and set fire to a woodland area and had my mouth washed out with soap for saying I didn't! I haven't grown into an arsonist and fire terrifies me now! I know it's not about the burning paper thing, it's more than that, but you hang on in there because there WILL be a brighter day.

Lilolily, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. If your GP has offered ADs a couple of times, perhaps depression is a consideration. I found I had a lot of the thoughts you're expressing, and found home and the dcs similarly chaotic and overwhelming, when I was depressed. Deciding to try taking ADs was a good decision for me - it made tackling everything else so much easier. In some ways it was as though a fog lifted and I was able to see what was actually a problem that required tackling and what was actually a lesser priority.

I can't help with the multiples side of things as I don't have any experience with it at all, but did find DS1, in particular, very hard work at 6 and 7 and struggled with the not liking thing for a while too. I found this book, Tricky Kids, quite helpful. The advice that really worked for us was to pick one thing to change, to phrase it positively and to give that one thing six weeks before adding anything else.

Good luck with it all.

Lilo , i just wanted to say that your not alone, i frequently find i am completely overwhelmed by my children, i suffer with really bad PMT which can make me horribly depressed for about a week.I do find going to the gym and having some me time really helps.
You mention you were minding the other children, children are always better for other people its one of those laws of the universe so don't feel bad.
You do sound overwhelmed and depressed and i think it might be worth talking to your GP if you have already been down the councelling route and it hasn't worked anti ds may well prove to be a big help and although it won't make your children behave any better but you might find it easier to cope with there behaviour and children pick up on so much so if your feeling rubbish they can sense something is wrong and act out in response.

I second time with each of them individually, do something girly. When your just being there mum you feel like all you do is shout and its hard to remember why you love them so much(other than being there mum of course). When my 2 are together they stick together and its me against them but when i take dd who's 4 out alone i love the way she chats to me. Funnily enough i sometimes find things easier when my dh goes away for a bit as i have to put on my mummy smily face make a massive special effort and we do nice things together.

Its really good that your talking about this as it means you have insight into it, I really hope you get the help you need and remember everybody feels like this sometimes so keep talking about it.

Lilo, Ruby dragged me in ............

You sound worn out and worn down xxxxxx.

My first gut reaction when I read your posts is that I am wondering if you are giving out more than you can.

I wasn't managing as well as I knew I could be and I had counselling for the best part of a year. It finished early in January this year. Something I learned was that I did no self-care whatsoever. I always put others first. Always. I even made myself late to my counselling session one day because I was help up helping a friend whose husband had died a year ago. When I got to counselling my counsellor asked why I was late. I explained. She said "so this is your only time in weeks that you can concentrate on you and you let this lady take half of that time???". Without thinking I said "yeah, but her need is greater than mine". My counsellor didn't say anything. She didn't have to. I realised I had learned something. I had reached a point at the end of a line, I was paying for counselling where I fell apart and tried to put myself together again..........and yet I still felt other people's needs were greater than mine.

I'm waffling. What I am trying to say is that you can't possibly even begin to tackle some of the problems that children bring unless you are in a good place within yourself.

Why were you taking care of your nieces/nephews? And what else are you doing that you really shouldn't be right now? How much else are you giving out?

Maybe an idea is to cut out everything you can, trim as much as possible and take a look at how life should be working. Then work towards it. Could the children be making some sort of unconscious protest about something? Could it be that old chestnut (horrible phrase) of 'quality time'?

(BTW, at 7, your girls are plenty old enough to know that they are not little tiny children who don't know better. I used to work in Community Education within the Fire Brigade and I am sure your local station would be more than glad to have the girls in and have a chat about playing with matches/lighters.)

I have come through the other side of feeling crap, like I was useless and totally incapable of being a good mother. And now I can give myself credit for doing a great job. I have stopped having unattainable standards. And.....hard as I find it, I have stopped soaking up other people's problems and attempting to fix them. It was costing me dearly.

LiloLily,
You sound like a very caring mum. Why do you have a lighter in the house? Is it for the cooker? I wouldn't hide it I would just get rid of it.

I don't have twins, but I can imagine it must be extremely difficult to deal with difficult behaviour multiplied by 2!! Trust me, I truly sympathyse with you.

I don't have twins, but I have a DS with special needs which have caused some challenging behaviour, so maybe I can give you some of my tips which have worked.

• When you are at home, try to be fun. Play tickling games, give your girls huge hugs and kisses (even if you have to pretend sometimes!!). This works wonders!!

• Create a few home rules that have to be followed through. This is really difficult, but if you persist persist persist it works. You need to be 100% consistent, because if you lose your guard the girls will not respect your authority the next time.

• Don't have too many rules. It is a bit boring to be with sometime that is constantly demanding things of you. Try to choose your battles wisely.

• Ignore them when they are being difficult

• If they have certain things they really enjoy, like TV, books, etc, show them that you are in charge of them, and only give them access to them if they behave.

I'm very much liking frumpygrumpy's idea about taking them to the fire station to talk to the firemen - I bet they would be brilliant, and it would certainly show that you are taking your dds' behaviour seriously.

Hiya, i'm a twin! My mom worked full time too. Nan looked after us while she worked (dad died when we were 6, she moved us all in with Nan, to give you some background, not a great situation).
Just to say that we would do anything to get mom's attention, made her life a misery really. She went to work to keep us fed and watered, the rest of the time our nan had sole charge, we didn't want her, we wanted mom.

Hi All,

Just want to say a big thankyou really, to all of you for jumping in to offer advice or even just say hello, to someone you don't know. Just knowing that someone has heard me and I'm not alone in feeling this way has had a HUGE effect.

I spoke to a friend of mine and after what you've all said and her response, I realise that I am spreading myself too thinly, trying (as is my flaw) to be everything to everyone and thats just not possible.

I have booked an appointment with the doctor, am going to start and have a few hours to myself every week (pre-arranged) and tonight we are going out for dinner separately with our children, followed by lunch with the alternate one tomorrow.

Me and DH have sat down and talked everything through, we are formulating an action plan to try and make things better and I feel so much lighter and brighter, I can't even begin to tell you.

So thank you all, for just taking the time, I really do appreciate it and I will definitely keep posting - hopefully my future posts won't be so depressing!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well done, lilolily, sounds like you've got a good plan there. Glad you've found MN helpful and are feeling less alone with all this. It's so easy to sink into not being able to see the wood for the trees. Do keep posting and let us know how you get on, and remember, it will probably take while, so don't give up!

Well done sweetheart. I wish you the very very best of Good Luck....hope it works out well for all of you.