I have exactly that gap between ds1 and ds2. It was exactly the gap I wanted so it works for me. I found the pregancy tiring but I was fortunate enough not to be working and slept every afternoon of the pregnancy when ds1 did. A great help.
Ds2 is now 20 months and Ds1 is 4 and a bit. They are now genuinely playing together, they have rarely behaved verbally agressively towards one another and there has
never been a violent moment between them. They have always slept well. This may just be because it's a gap that works well for our family or because of the boys' nature. I did, however, decide to do some things that could have been of help - there is of course, no knowing if they worked or not!
My main aims were to try to avoid jealousy issues between the boys and to remain sane myself.
It's worth saying that dh works in a boarding school so during the term times I am on my own all day,everyday until 10 or 11 pm so the following strategies were to help me during those term time days.
- I removed any toys and equipment that the baby would use that had belonged to ds1 early in the pregnancy so that when I handed them on, ds1 would have forgotten they ever belonged to him! (I moved DS1 into a bed at 2 and 2 months and hid the cot!)
- I didn't tell Ds1 that a new baby was coming until I was 6 months pregnant, even a week is a long time for a 2 year old. At this point we could see the baby move in my tummy when I was in the bath and this was a lovely way to introduce the idea to ds1.
- I made sure not to talk to ds1 about how great a playmate the baby would be because babies are rubbish playmates until they are rising two! I didn't want ds1 to be disappointed on ds2's arrival. We talked affectionately about the baby occasionally, mostly when ds1 mentioned it. I didn't need him to be in a state of high excitement. After all, dh and I had decided to have a baby without consulting ds1 and his feelings may have been ambivalent.
- I ensured that ds1 was toilet trained night and day at 2 and four months so that I would only have one lot of nappies.
- When the baby arrived my Mum stayed with us for 6 weeks and my husband had school holidays for 6 weeks. I'd had a c section so Mum did the house work and dh was able to give ds1 lots of attention while I looked after the baby. I think this was really helpful. I always read to ds1 while I fed ds2.
- I made sure to almost NEVER go to the baby if I had begun an activity with DS1 until It appeared to ds1 that we had finished whatever it was we were doing. If the baby cried I would say; oh dear, listen to the baby. Nevermind, we'll just finish this story before we feed him. I'd probably speed read it and miss half the book out because my instincts wanted me to run to the baby. In my head I knew that crying for 5 more mins would do the baby no harm but finding a way of putting ds1 first would do him the world of good when so often a new baby has to come first. Afterall, ds1 didn't ask for ds2!
- Ds1 and I ate a main meal at lunch time, DH ate at work. Whilst putting lunch together I made a cold tea of sandwiches, fruit,salad ham etc and put it under cling film in the fridge for ds1 to have at tea time. DS2 was always a bit fractious at tea time in the early days so it was great not to have to think about food. Having eaten at lunch time, dh and I had an easy snack for supper.
- At bath time I had a baby bath that fitted over the big bath. I filled them both so that ds1 could be in the big bath and ds2 could be in the baby bath at the same time. Ds1 could 'help' bath ds2 without putting him in danger. He could also have as many toys in the bath as he wanted. So this was my routine: I put the baby on the floor to kick around whilst I washed ds1. I then added the toys to the big bath while I bathed the baby in the little bath. I dried and dressed the baby and left him to kick on the floor again while I dried and dressed ds1.
- The three of us snuggled into my bed for baby's last feed and a story and then they went to bed!
10. I have a large wooden playpen so that ds2 doesn't wreck ds1's carefully built towers. I expect ds1 to share with ds2 and help him under supervision but I don't think ds1 should be expected to put up with a younger child wrecking his hard work. We laugh a LOT at the funny and sometimes destructive things ds2 does which helps ds1 see the baby's actions as funny rather than agressive. I think it's much better to deal with life's challenges with humour than with agression and anger.
11. I recognise that although ds2 is a baby, ds1 is also tiny and doesn't always need to hear a mantra of 'come on, be a big boy'. At two and a half, three or four, he isn't one!
12. I found my Phil and Ted's invaluable.
13. At 2 and 9 months ds1 went to nursery 3 afternooons a week. I let long enough pass between ds2's arrival and the start of nursery to help enusre ds1 didn't associate being sent away from home with the baby's arrival. At just over four he now does three full days and one half day at nursery giving me one to one time with ds2 and I get one to one time with ds1 when ds2 is resting in the afternoons.
Some people have the expectation that violence between sibilings is almost acceptable, certainly inevitable. This was never my own growing up experience and I have very high expectations of them in terms of behaving gently and affectionately towards each other. I am very positively vocal about this.
So far, so good. Who knows, there's no right answer but for now this ( apart from the odd tired, cross, can't be bothered day from me!) is working in the most beautiful, wonderful way. Good luck!