How much do you parent the way you were parented?

[elephantjuice]

Have been thinking a lot about this recently and wondered what everyone else thinks.

From reading threads on here it seems a lot of people truly value their own parents' input and opinions in the raising of their own children. It's always striking to me as while I love my mum and dad and value the relationship they have with my 3 dc, the way I bring up my kids is so different from the way I was brought up.

I suspect that we do what was done to us unless we see a different and better way.

My parents have huge problems with showing any kind of emotion, for example, especially negative ones like anger, and tell me my ds should be smacked for having tantrums because it's wrong. To me this is nonsense.

These differences cause tension when we are together but because we live on different continents it's a twice a year problem.

Also I worry my dc will see me in this way when they are older.

Would be really interested to hear other people's experiences.

I don't do anything that mine did.

I don't look after anyone the way they looked after me.

I wouldn't have trusted them with an open can of tuna.

Not sure really - DS is only 15mo and I'm not in a position to ask since Mum died and Dad really doesn't seem to remember what happened when we were that small.

I know I shout more than I would like (both parents = very shouty); I don't smack (which both my parents did but dunno at what age they started it, I doubt it was this young!). I give him more cuddles than I ever remember getting - and Mum did frequently tell me that I wouldn't sit for cuddles on her, always wriggled off, probably my own fault then.

Probably shouldn't really have joined this thread - don't think I'm making much of a contribution!

I generally work by whatever they did - i do the total opposite.

My mum and lauriefarycakes comments are pretty much spot on!

Ooh thumbwitch quite similar to me - my DS is only 6 months, mum long dead and dad with no recollection - and yet I feel compelled to join in too

So far the only thing that I can say has definitely been influenced by my (militant feminist lesbian in the 80s) mum is me putting DS in pink nappies/grobag/vests etc.

I'm hoping not to repeat the crap with money/emotionally constipated pattern though

I would say I am parenting similarly to my parents. As dd gets older though, I hope she feels far more free spirited than I ever did, and doesn't feel suffocated by our relationship.

I pretty much parent the way I was.

There are differences of course, the main one being that DS is an only child while I am one of six. So he gets a lot more one on one time, more outings etc.

We also live in inner London as opposed to Sydney's outer western suburbs, so his environment is quite different and hence our parenting has been adapted.

I feel my parents did a good job with me and my siblings, DH feels the same way and luckily for us, they were pretty similar.

Fairly similar to my parents I think. I reckon they did a decent job on me!

I am doing pretty much what they did, barring some minor details (adaption to environment, disability, new advice etc). But my style is very similar.

I am doing most of it differently I think. I try to be patient, to be careful about what DS eats, give lots of love and affection and tell him I love him. Dad died when I was little so don't remember him Mum was good but in a strict way, though obviously you only remember the older years and my DS is only 2 so maybe I will be more like her when he is older... I hope not.

Totally differently which is strange as my sister is bringing hers up in a similar way to the way we were brought up.

I suspect replies will be pretty much polarised into the

a) completely different my parents were awful
b) pretty similar with a few tweaks as my parent/s were fab

Sadly I'm in the A camp and desperatly trying not to turn into my mother !

I parent the opposite and grew up knowing I would do the opposite (me hold a grievance ?! ). Dh is the same though he probably doesn't feel as strongly as I do about his childhood.

Quite a lot - mostly like mum, tbh - wouldn't copy my paternal grandmother! But mum was/is fab, loving, fun, firm but fair and kind. Quite a hard act to follow.

I am doing some things differently and others the same. I think me and my mum have very different approaches, but I quite often arrive at the same conclusion she did!

My mum just did things her own way, didn't worry what others were doing, paid minimal attention to the government advice (which wasn't as in your face then anyway) and didn't have many mum friends so barely compared herself to others. Whereas I like to read - a lot - and have access to the internet and so tend to look at all the options and only feel comfortable making a decision when I feel I am fully informed about the issue.

Sometimes she says I think and/or read too much but other times she says it's great that I know about XXX as she would never have thought of doing it.

For the record we are both gentle/AP parents, although I think I fit the AP stereotype more - she never would have co-slept (I had my own room from day 1) for example or used slings as much as I do as she thinks babies can be manipulative (whereas I don't think they can). I've always felt respected and valued though and I think that's a big factor in how close we are now. I think it's important to show that towards your children.

DP though has had almost an opposite upbringing - his childhood sounds really sad to me, there was not much affection and he was encouraged to hide his emotions. He has a half sister aged 13 and the way I've heard his parents speak to her sometimes makes me and .

*CherryChoc refuses to fit into sagacious' categories.

oh good point CherryChoc - yes, totally different from my mum in that she bf me for 3 days until her nipples bled, and managed my bro and sis (twins) for less than that, I think. I am still bf'ing DS at 15mo; whereas my sis couldn't bear the thought of it at all.

I also coslept for the first 5.5m and still do sometimes, although I try to keep DS in his cot as much as possible. Mum would never have done that.

I had a fairly strict upbringing and I intend that DS will be taught the best way to behave (that I can manage) and good manners etc. the way I was; but without some of the more manipulative behaviours that my mum used (I hope). And no/minimal smacking (I'd like that to be no smacking but I'm not going to state positively that I will never smack him - I just don't know that yet - but I won't do it deliberately).

Thanks for all the replies. Had to go out last night almost as soon as I posted so have just read messages now.

Sagacious, I agree a lot will fit into your categories, but don't believe I do. Difficult to explain exactly. I don't think my parents were awful parents, and I didn't grow up thinking I would do it differently. I gradually realised I wanted to, more so with each of my 3 dc.

I think my parents are the way they are because of their own upbringings which were both almost victorian, lots of emphasis on good and quiet behaviour, no talking about feelings or anything negative really, and lots of telling you what you had to think.

It was pretty much the same for me. To this day I can't really talk properly with either of them and I think that's sad. They take disagreement personally. Nothing is ever said but there will be an atmosphere. I don't think they were deliberately doing these things, they just didn't know another way and are not open to talking about problems or really changing anything.

I remember lots of empty threats to get me to behave. I remember thinking "there's no way they would do that." Displays of emotion were sort of mocked. I don't do either of these. However, they were usually patient with me and rarely shouted whereas I am not as patient as I would like and shout more than I would like, but they only had me and I have 3.

DH was one of 4 and his upbringing was similar to what we're doing, and I think a lot of what I've learnt has come from his mum and dad and the way I see them interact with our dc. I can also talk to MIL and FIL as real people which tells you a lot.

LeninGrad Can you explain AP parenting to me please as I am sure it isn't what I think it is.

I parent my kids very much like I was parented. Right down to what I call them...last night for example I settled ds1 to sleep "night pops " then phoned my mum. At the end of the conversation she said "Night pops, see you tomorow" I'm 38!

The biggest thing my parents did for me was to give me the confidence to parent my kids as I and DH see fit. They don't and never have 'interferred' passed comment or judged but have always been ready with advice if asked for. I hope thats how my dcs see me when they're older.

DH parents very much like his parents did which is not so different from my upbrining. Maybe thats why we're such a good team (most of the time!).

I would say that my sister and I both do a very similar variant of the parenting we received - one that is fundamentally rooted in the same beliefs, but has also incorporated "modern" ideas such as co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding that were really not common in the 1960s when we were babies.

As a result our children are very much on the same wavelength.

I probably do parent in quite a similar way to my mother in some ways - compared to my friends, for example, I am very tough with the DCs when it comes to colds/illnesses etc (am of the "Just Get On With It, Don't Wallow" school). My father was a very hands-off parent; he'd been raised by nannies so really had no idea of being parented himself. We were much closer after I grew up.

One thing that has struck me though, recently - my mother died when I was 16, and my oldest DCs are 21 and 19. There have been times in the last few years when I've felt out of my depth with them, presumably because I wasn't parented myself when I was their age. So whatever the example set by your parents, you do have their standards/approach as a yardstick, or a starting point, which helps get you started.

i try to not incorportate the negative things my mother did - the power, guilt, silence, mental instability

but she was a bloody great mum until i was about 13 - ooodles of time and energy.

i take this great lesson from her...kids love arts and crafts, so what if your walls get mucky and your carpet gets stained.. who cares. your walls should be filled with pictures and collages - dont be afraid of glue and glitter.

xmas decorations are better homemade.

i get imaginative stuff from her - elaborate stories about the tooth fairy and father xmas.

and when i had my children and i was worried about killing them with everything she looked me up and down and said "babies are very resiliant you know, you won't kill him"

and thats when i began ever so slowly to subscribe to the more hippy style of parenting.

she was truly a hippy, peace, love, let kids roam free type of person.

i hope to incorporate this

and add my own cobbled together mothers guide for teenagers - she was a bit rubbish at that point, so i hope to make it better for mine.