What should I do. DD upset her grandma

[scrummymum]

Today was DD's 5th birthday. She had a lot of presents to open from friends at school as she had a party at the weekend and then she had a steady stream of aunties, uncles, friends etc who came with more. By the time my MIL and FIL came at 7.30 pm, my DD was fed up with opening presents. She is never the best at opening presents as she would rather open one and then play with it.

Now earlier on in the evening, my sister had given DD a toy and a dress. My sister picked the dress off the floor and asked DD if she wanted this one. She took it, looked at it and then put it down saying it was a boring toy. Me and my sister laughed about the fact that kids find clothes boring.

When my MIL came in, she said that DD wouldn't like her presents (as they were all clothes). DD then opened a few and after she noticed that they were all clothes, she just said boring and didn't bother opening anymore.

I told her that it wasn't very nice to do that and eventually she opened the rest and seemed quite interested in them.

Now, according to my SIL, my MIL is mad because DD was rude about her clothes and embarrassed her (my parents were there, but completely annoyed with my DD for saying what she did).

I just don't understand why she bought DD clothes if she knew she wouldn't like them and then get annoyed that she didn't.

Anyway, my PIL live down our street and my sister and niece live there too. I want to smooth things over (my DD is not the favourite at the best of times as my niece lives with PIL) but aren't sure what to do. Any ideas.

Everyone knows kids find clothes boring so i would of though mil would of expected that. Maybe just thank her for her clothes, or get dd to say thank u for her clothes next time u see her and leave it at that, theres not alot else you could say i dont think.

Apologise on your dd's behalf saying how much you appreciate the generosity and how much you and DD like the clothes. Also say that you've spoken to DD about being more gracious and that you don't think it's acceptable even if she was tired.

Get DD to say thank you next time she sees them and/or get her to write a nice note or card or draw a picture.

Make sure she wears the clothes at the next suitable opportunity. (So your PIL can see how much you all like them.)

Talk to DD about how it's the thought that counts, how you think clothes are a wonderful present and how the right response when opening a present is always to say "Thank you - it's lovely." (Even if you don't like it, have it already, feel tired etc.)

Lots of kids do this, and they learn over time. Sounds like it's more about how you smooth things over with your PIL.

Your DD is 5 fgs, your MIL is a grown woman who bought her DGD something she knew she would find boring. Your MIL needs to get over herself.

However back in reality where you actually need to get on with people, can you pop in and see them at the weekend with DD in some of her birthday clothes so that DD can thank them and smooth things over that way?

I was thinking of popping in today with DD after school so that DD can say thank you for the clothes and that she liked them.

MIL does get weird about stuff like this and my DH always wants to pull her up about her treating our DD different to my niece but I always stop him. We have to live down the same street and see each other loads. It would be awful to have an atmosphere, which there would be as MIL never thinks she does anything wrong. She thinks as long as she spends the same on them then she is not doing favourites. She obviously spent the full day with my niece but popped here at 7.30 pm for 20 minutes on her way home from visiting her dad. I'm not stupid enough to think that she should spend the same amount of time with my DD because that would be impossible and not what I want at all but she could have come earlier and spent more time with her.

I think that my DD was in the wrong this time as she wasn't very gracious. I did speak to her about it before we went to bed and she said that she did end up opening them all and that she did like them. That said, don't buy someone something that you know they won't like and then get mad with them, especially when they are only 5.

She also said to my parents that she asked me what DD wanted and I told her to get clothes. This isn't exactly what happened. She said that she had bought DD clothes because she got tonnes of toys for christmas and would get a ton more for her birthday. I said that was a good idea and that she needed clothes. What else was I to say when she had already bought them.

Get your DD to write a card for you PIL to thank them. Explain to your DD that it is polite to thank people and be nice about presents in front of them even if you don't like the present otherwise the present-giver will be very upset.

Speak to your PIL and say sorry on her behalf but that she is only five and will learn, and that you have explained about graciousness to her and will remind her about it each time it looks like she's getting a present! Tell her the clothes will be well used and enjoyed, even if they appeared boring at first. And if she's still moany, tell her to grow up!

My MIL gets huffy about my children being children and it's so ridiculous - you can't take offence at something a child does FFS! They're only just learning about social niceties at 5 and getting crap presents should be considered a good opportunity to learn some of them, not a chance to get the hump when a child is honest!

I no longer have a mil ,but heres what I'd do - move away from the grandaughter-grandaughter favouritism if you thnk your dh could do it tactfully ask him to perhaps speak to his mum about it.

Can you not take your dd to your mum in laws ore often?.

As regards the clothes gifts I have a plan - could your dd not collect something like fairies or ponies and as a result could get these as gifts of your mil instead of clothes?

Be wary of marching your DD in to say thank you - if she's as strong willed as any of mine, it could backfire if she suddenly decides that actually her initial assessment was right!

Your MIL sounds a bit competitive with your parents - it's a bit strange that she felt she was shown up in front of your parents. I think that in general, grandparents understand each other!

I liked the idea of a little thank you note written by your daughter, or maybe just a picture she's drawn?

if your dd doesn't like opening presents - but would rather play with each one at a time (I wish mine were like that !) - why not spread them out and not give them to her all at the same time ?

To avoid a situation like that one you had - why not say (to MIL first) we will save yours til tomorrow because she has had so many today she is a bit overwhelmed by them.

And teach dd that you have to at least seem to be pleased with presents - even if you don't like them - a useful life skill that one - it is the thought that counts !

The mistake you made was letting DD open so many presents on one day. Maybe you should have got the party presents opened and out of the way straight after the party.

Also why did your sis buy DD a toy AND a dress instead of just one present? Likewise why couldn't MIL have just bought one gift or even put all the clothes in one bundle? Kids really are overwhelmed with the number of gifts they receive for their birthdays so it's no wonder they don't "perform" and go into raptures with each parcel they open.

You can't expect a 5 year old to be gracious! Mil should have been gracious (as your sister was) as she's the adult.

Nickschick has a good idea re your dd collecting ponies or something.

And I would let your dh pull his mum up over her behaviour to your dd if/when he thinks it's suitable. He knows how to handle her and if it comes from him, she may well listen and take note.

I can't help giggle over this as this is just what I used to do. I'm still not great at saying 'it's lovely' to someone's face!!

Thank the lord for 'we'll open them later" and thank you cards.I would get her to write one.

Apparently I wrote to my Nana that I didn't really like pink and yellow or red is much nicer. Got a bollocking!

I find it awkward when people give presents and then get all huffy and weird about it.

Ds always gets a pile from my parents and a restrained single present from PIL. MIL had asked what to get - I had told her something that was an appropriate present for her to buy ds and something that I knew for sure my parents would not have bought.

FIL just huffed and puffed about how his full colour children's bible could not compare with the mountains of plastic tat (most of which ds has still not opened a whole month later). Ds was sitting there getting excited about the world being created in just 6 days and saying "look at this bit, look at this bit" and FIL was trying to claim that he didn't like it. It was just odd frankly.

So even if your dd had been less tired and more enthusiastic you MIL would still have been weird.

I remember declaring to my parents, at around 7, that clothes weren't real presents because you should get them anyway.

Your DD finds clothes as presents boring and said so.

Does your MIL expect a 5yo to lie socially to save feelings?

Yes it is good if DD can learn to say "Thank you", nicely, for any gift received. However she shouldn't be forced to lie and say "Thanks, I love it/them", aged 5. She's too young to be taught to lie and the difference between white lies and lying to save other's feelings etc.

If someone gives her a gift = Thank you very much and give gift-bearer a kiss.

Fruitstick - how right you were though! (and cheeky. I said similar)

Nickschick - My DC spend a lot of time at my MIL's house. As I have said, we live down the street and I often pop in one night during the week after school and both days during the weekend. Unfortunately, my MIL was present at my niece's birth and her and my SIL are mega close so they did everything together while SIL was on maternity leave and she then looked after her while SIL went back to work full-time. Then last year SIL and her partner split and they went to live with my MIL. In effect, my MIL has brought up my niece and I think she sides with her (over disputes over toys etc) against my DD because otherwise it would make her parenting skills look bad.

I don't have a problem with her being closer as it is inevitable but I think she could make a bigger effort with my DD because of this.

Blottedcopybook - My MIL is super competitive with my parents. It didn't help that both sets of parents weren't speaking to each other following a dispute at the time of her birth. They are back on friendly terms now but I am sure there is still some underlying resentment. Also, my niece only has them as her other grandma died and grandad is in a home and has never bothered with her much anyway.

Florenceofarabia - You are right. I should have opened the party ones on the day of the party. I am really annoyed with myself about that. I will do that in future.

I spoke to DD on the way to school this morning and asked her why she didn't like the clothes. She said that she did like them but she likes toys better (don't blame her). I then told her that her Grandma was a little upset that she said she didn't like them and she said that she is going to do Grandma a picture to say sorry.

I think the fact that me and my sister made a joke out of it when it happened to her, DD thought that she was being funny when MIL came.

MIL is a funny one sometimes but we do have a good relationship with the whole family and the girls love playing together so I don't want to cause bad feeling. I always stop DH from telling her some home truths as it would cause world war 3 (DH is very black and white and would not say it carefully). If I was a different person, I think they would have fallen out a long time ago.

Have just spoken to SIL over text to find out how mad MIL was. She has just told me that she came home saying she was fuming and then went to have a cigarette (she doesn't really smoke anymore, just has the odd one when she is really stressed/upset). Now I feel even worse and don't know what to do.

Was planning on going on the way home from school with a picture for her from DD but now I am terrified of going. Hate confrontations.

Oh cripes. Just let her simmer down then and have a fag. And avoid!!!!

scrummy isn't your MIL being a bit childish? a five year old, a busy day and lots of presents. She's a kid not a performing monkey - a lapse in manners at 5 surely could be glossed over by hopefully more experienced grown ups?

I think your MIL is expecting WAY too much of a 5 year old. My dd1 age 7 was able to say thanks to everyone regardless of whether she liked the present on her last birthday, but before that we had scenarios similar to the one you describe. She knows enough about tact and feelings now - she got some barbie perfume from someone (she is the least girly girl ever) and just smiled and said thanks. Later she gave it to me and asked if I thought dd2 would like to have it.

How can you expect a 5 year old to be on great form by 7.30pm of such an exciting and exhausting day?! Your MIL should have realised that and come earlier.

I would give clothes to a younger child (or an older one who is really into clothes) but children really do think that clothes just happen. If a child isn't one who loves clothes I wouldn't expect them to be all grateful. You would think your MIL would know her granddaughter well enough to know if she would like to get clothes for her birthday.

My mum does the same thing as your MIL and it really bugs me. She gives the kids way too many gifts then wonders why they are not that bothered about gifts anymore. (Not saying that was the case with your dd - just that after receiving so many gifts on her birthday the novelty was bound to wear off).

Sounds to me like your MIL has issues. Obviously children should be encouraged to show gratitude but in the end you give a gift because you want to, it shouldn't just be for the thank you.

Also seems like your MIL is sulking for attention, none of which is you or your dd's fault and I don't think your dd should be made to grovel to her.