Conundrum

[Jayp1ckle]

Evening everyone

I'm in a slight conundrum and have a pretty shameful admission to make.

My best mate is due her first baby in approx two weeks. So the other day while chatting about her imminent arrival, she announced that she would like me to mentor her on the breastfeeding front. Now ordinarily, this wouldn't have been a big deal, but sadly my experience in this department is negligible - the reason being that I was only able to BF for the first two months of my DS's life. This was and still is much to my chagrin and I still feel as though I've failed both of my DS as a result of it.

Anyway, I've been less than sincere with my friend (and others) because I told her that I BF both babies for 18 months. So understandably she considers me a bit of a guru on the matter. (the lie was easy as we lived at opposite ends of the country for a number of years)

I'm truly ashamed of my actions. As a result of this big chip which I have on my shoulder, I've been unforgivably deceitful. My question is, what do I do? Do I make an honest admission and therefore jeopardise the trust element of our relationship or remain tight lipped and therefore perpetuate the deceit?

Really need your help everyone! I don't know where else to turn now. I'm a member of another parenting site but, unfortunately its users are fairly judgmental at times and a little anally retentive, if you get my meaning.

Thanks in advance
xxxx

It is a hard one.

What would sway me is the fact that she is your best mate - so that would bring the vote down in favour of the truth. Painful, but she will understand (eventually)

Also, if you do not deal with it now and you try to keep up the deceit you may end up giving her wrong advice with potentially devastating consequences. I mean I bf ds for 11months, but would not feel very able to mentor anyone bar the basic positioning and 'just feed feed feed when he wants it' kinda stuff.

oh gosh. that's difficult. I think that I would perhaps just wait a little bit and see how it goes.
she may be one of those lucky people whose baby just latches on and they have a fantastic BF experience from the get-go. thus letting you off the hook.

if it seems that she requires more assistance from you though I think you will have to tell the truth

That's tricky .

Reading madmouse's post has made me think, though - without getting into friendships, etc, I do think its probably unrealistic to expect any mother that has BF 2 children, for however long, to be able to act as a mentor to someone that could have unknown problems - all children and all mothers are different, after all. I think if I were you I'd probably try to not directly bring up the question of my own experience, but to go more with the "I'm happy to support you, but 2 children really doesn't make me an expert - let me help you find local, trained BF supporters that would be able to give you really good advice if you need it, as I don't want to give you bad information through lack of knowledge of your specific problems" Or words to that effect that are a bit more coherent.

Gosh, how sad that you feel that you failed your DS on top of the disappointment of not being able to continue for longer.

I guess we've all exagerrated our success at something before...just not good when it comes back to bite you on the a**! You did not fail at all, 2 mnths is a fantastic start and it seems likely that you didnt get appropriate support.

I would not unleash the truth at 38 wks pg -save it for a time when sanity is restored! I would say it's a while since you bf (was bf DD until 6 mnths ago, when she was 18 mnths, but am still nervous about starting again with my own new baby in June, so even if you'd bf longer this would prob still be the case).
Why not offer to go with her to La Leche/NCT support, as well as the practical support of cooking occasional dinner/taking ironing home and returning with it done/massive amounts of praise for how great a mum she is. That's if your other commitments allow her to do this.I think a supportive friendly voice is just as useful as an expert one at this time.
Good luck x

Well on a more positive note - I don't think it's necessarily the length of time you fed for that affects how much you can help!

What I mean is - for most people I know, at least 90% of the problems/challenges WERE in the first 2 months, and by the time you got to a year or longer, it was all more routine - which means it was easier but you were not learning much more. But if she needs help, it will be with the hard bits at the beginning, which you DO have experience of. So I'm not sure that feeding for longer necessarily makes anyone that much more of an expert.

I'm not sure whether you should 'fess up or not, but either way, I would say use the experiences you DID have (including the bad ones) to help her, but any time you feel out of your depth, help her to get support from other places. The Kellymom website is another great place for BF support (just Google it). Even if you had fed for 2 years, there would still be problems you had never come across as it is different for everyone, so you shouldn't feel bad about not "knowing it all".

Hey peeps, Thank you so much for your thoughts. Amidst much thought, I've decided to delay the "truth" until a more appropriate time. In the mean time, I will support her as best I can and, at the very least, be there as a sympathetic ear. She's prone to bouts of depression, so I think I will leave this admission until well after the birth.

Thanks again all
xxxx

No I think you'd better tell her now. Honestly you'll feel loads better and if she's a good friend she'll understand. Tell her BF is great, but can really be a nightmare and you really wished someone had told you. The reason you've lied to her must be (am guessing) because you feel some guilt/ failure? So why set her up for that too? Especially if she has depressive tendancies. Forewarned is surely a far, far better place for her to be in. That way if she is unlucky and has BF traumas, she won't feel like a failure, she'll more accept it happens and find a way through.

• before you tell her, find out about an NCT breast feeding evening or something - I went on one of those before I gave birth and it was brilliant advice and they give you lots of info/ numbers for follow up help after birth if you need it.