nearly 9 yo dd's behaviour... tell me it's a phase!

[MommyUpNorth]

DD is 8... will be 9 in June. I would say since the start of this school year (she's in P4, Scotland) she's had a really poor attitude. This morning I asked her what she was doing in art today, and her reply was "doesn't matter" I replied that it might not matter, but I was interested if she was working on a project or maybe starting something new... just making small talk as you do on the school run.

Anyway, this then turned into her repeating that she would pick up a rock and throw it at my head and hoped that I die. Lovely. And she just kept going on with it. So I simply said that maybe she was upset about something and we could talk about it together when she got home from school. She just kept on with the comments, so I ignored and chatted to ds2.

She's been doing this whole don't care/doesn't matter/etc for anything and everything. Is this a phase? Or something that I need to look to someone for help? She isn't actually violent, and the 'threats' never amount to anything, but I do worry that maybe I'm missing something with all of this. Or maybe she's just growing up and testing boundaries?

She's also completely not interested in doing anything asked of her... though if it was just this, then I would just put it down to the age... but how do you get them to snap out of the whole 'don't care' attitude! It's starting to get on my nerves!!

I'm surprised you haven't yet had any replies to this. My DD1 (now 10) was very similar to yours and I would say it's a phase. We had a really testing couple of years with her attitude and whatever we did nothing seemed to help. We became used to it after a while but I was jolted out of it one day when a close friend commented how 'rude and disrespectful' DD was to me and 'how did I cope with it?'

At school she was (and still is) a complete angel but her attitude seemed to change just towards people in her close family. Now she's 10 she's going through early puberty (which goes some way to explaining the moods). She's much improved re: the attitude thing but we still get the odd teenage strop. I honestly think, looking back, that DD wasn't in control of her moods and emotions, and whilst I would never say you have to put up with rudeness, I think it doesn't help to be confrontational with them. I now find that if I step back from the argument (not give in, just keep cool and firm) that achieves a much better result. Much like you have been doing from the sound of it!

Hope someone else also comes along with advice; your DD may not be the same as mine, but I do sympathise and I think it is really just a (long) phase. Always be ready to listen to her when she's ready for it.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for replying Caro! I was starting to think that no one else had a dd that had been through something similar. It's so reassuring to hear that it is a phase. Having that knowledge will make it easier to stay calm... with the hope that it will pass.

When she does get out of control and starts having a go at everyone I tend to just step in and say that she's hurting my/ds/dh feelings and we need to take a break. She's quite happy to go up to her room and find something quiet to do. I try to make her a peace offering of tea & a biscuit and she's usually calm by the time I get it together.

I think the hardest thing for me is trying not to take it personally. Some of her comments are so hurtful, and trying to remain calm is a real challenge!

I know just what you mean about the hurtful comments. We would get those and then minutes later she would be gushing with love! I think you are amazingly calm - I haven't always kept my cool with DD and even now the attitude winds me up! I try not to show it though as it only adds fuel to the fire.

Re: the study problem - my DD is a high achiever at school and has therefore been put under quite a lot of pressure to continue that level of achievement (as many school children are now ). At one time I would (unknowingly) be 'on her case' ie have you done your homework yet? etc etc. This was done with the best intention but I now realise that it wasn't helping DD. Now I'm much more relaxed about it - I sometimes ask how things are going at school or if she has any homework to do and I'm on hand if she needs my help, but apart from that, I trust her to do what needs to be done. This has really paid off - she still does the work and her achievement levels are still high. I hope this will make her feel less stressed - she knows we love her whatever her school marks!

Please don't take my example as Gospel - I can only tell you what it was like with MY DD - it may be a phase but if it gets much worse or your DD seems desperately unhappy I wouldn't hesitate to get professional help.

Also, don't blame yourself for this - I often question if it's me that's caused DD's sensitivity, but my other DD is completely different - really robust and confident!

Please keep me updated!