please help im at a big loss as what to do now

[pandagirl03]

dd is 3yrs 9 months and has not been in nappys for 12 months now. But the last 7-9 months has been a nightmare. She keeps wetting herself.

We have been reminding her to go to the toilet and encouraging her with sticker chart etc. But she still wets. She will be sat at table doing something and will just wet herself and not say a word.

She is at pre-school and i had to go for her parents evening last week and they said to me about her wetting alot. She is at pre-school from 9am untill 11.45am, monday to friday and 3 days out of 5 she will wet herself.

Any suggestions please i am at a total loss with all this now. especially as in sept she will be starting school.

Have you investigated the following:

Urinary infection
Not drinking enough=not stretching the bladder sufficiently to give a good need to wee signal
Constipation can indirectly cause wetting
Afraid to use pre-school loos for some reason
Embarrassed to ask pre school staff to go to the loo
Refusal to comply when you remind, out of defiance
Same, but because she simply doesn't care about being wet
Physical problem with her bladder/urethra/ kidneys

Can you trace this wetting back to something that happened 9mths ago, illness, bereavement, house move, divorce or separation, new baby, etc anything at all that could have started this behaviour.

I would take dd to the Dr to rule out any of the physical causes, then formulate a plan of action including dd. Explain that she was dry once, why not now? Ask how she would like to go to the loo, would she prefer to use a potty instead for now? I know it seems like a backward step, but if she uses it and stays dry that's progress, surely? Do the pre-school staff have any ideas, and will they stick to your plan when dd is there? If she hates the loos there, could she have one of her own loo reducer seats to use there? (A friends dd did this in reception class, but gave it up after a term of her own accord)

I think that at her age, she would be able to understand the consequences of wetting or not, if it's just laziness. If she wees in the right place she gets a treat, if she wets she will have to stop what she's doing, change her pants, clean the area she has wet, and wash the wet clothes by hand. And I bet it won't take long for her to realise that it will be easier and quicker in the long run to just go to the loo.

My sisters DD2 is 4 1/4 and doing just this. Has been dry for months and then gone through a several months long phase of wetting. My sister has tried stickers and treats for getting it right; taking away privileges (TV etc) for getting it wrong; sternness; questionning and understanding chats; losing it entirely (not planned but happened anyway - we've all been there!); refusal of use of soft furnishings ("I can't trust you to sit on the sofa"). On the whole it's been more praise and encouragement than the opposite but to no avail.

My DN looks her straight in the eye and smiles whilst she's doing it and seems to care not a jot about any consequences. She doesn't even bother if she's wet though my sister never leaves her that way.

This was all last year but once again after months of getting it right, she's started wetting again. It has all the hallmarks of being deliberate.
Please can anyone help with advice that pandagirl and I can use / pass on.

Thanks for advice girlywhirly, its more done on purpose/laziness than anything else i would say. Homebird what you have described is my dd. Been doing exact same things.

She runs around naked at home, not my choice just dd prefers to have no clothes on. As soon as shes back from pre-school clothes are off. She has wet twice today. Once when sat at the table at home all over the chair. Then another time on her bedroom carpet.

I really dont think there is a underlying problem as she was fine for a long time before this all started. I am pregnant but it started before as i am only 27 weeks pregnant and she's very excited about the baby coming so really dont think it is that.

Well, you could point out that dd will not be able to go to parties/ friends houses/ anywhere nice because they will not want to clean all their chairs and carpets, And she will smell when wet, and people will comment.

How does she feel about other peoples disapproval, and does she comply for them? Could someone she respects and wants to please talk to her about not being a baby now and everyone goes to the toilet. You don't say whether she asks to have a nappy, or what happens with poos.

I'd say that deliberate wetting may be a sign that the child is trying to get some sort of control over something in their lives, parents can 'make them' do certain things, but they can't stop them weeing mid-stream as it were. Sometimes the child isn't able to articulate the problem, they just don't feel entirely secure. The difficulty with this problem is that the child may feel that because the parents are cross with them for doing whatever, that they no longer love them, so reassuring that you love them, no matter what, may be really helpful. Could you step up the amount of concentrated attention you give, unrelated to the times when she wets, and keep this up after the baby comes? Sometimes it's your attention they want, but try to get it in unacceptable ways.

It's quite hard to advise without knowing exactly what is happening in a childs' life, and how they relate to the people and situations within it.

Thanks for more advice girly, She does not ask for a nappy, she wears a nappy to bed but takes it off before she falls asleep, this would be fine if she didn't wet but as she does i put it back on her when shes asleep. She does hold her poo in sometimes, but on other times will go no problem.

I spoke to her yesterday and told her that she will smell if she keeps wetting, and she is not a baby now and things will be taken away from her if she carrys on wetting.

I also spoke to dh because his approach to it is shout at her, i have told him i think this is doing more damage than good, hope he listens now.

We do alot of things together as she is a child that needs and wants to play with people, she is not a child you can sit with some toys and she will play on her own.

I have just posted on another thread, then I found this one, and you could both be describing my DD! She is just 4 and has been dry for about 12 months and now has started to deliberately wet again. We had all this trouble when we trained her.

I'm sure it is all deliberate, she smirks when she's done it. This week we promised her a night at nanny's if she kept dry for the week and she was good for 3 days and then yesterday it started again and as of 2pm today she has already wet 3 times. It's driving me insane!

I've tried bribes, praising good and ignoring bad behaviour, being stern, being angry, being sympathetic, talking about it, not talking about it even being upset about it but to no avail. She is a very strong willed but sensitive girl and know exactly how to push my buttons.

I have a 2 year old son as well so my attention is split. She first took an interest in the potty and toilet at about 22 months, not through any prompting from us but on her own accord. The problem was that I gave birth to my son a couple of weeks later so we didn't really take up the potty training as I had been told that starting it with a newborn in the picture wasn't the best thing to do. But now I wonder if this is somehow linked...
Sorry for the long rabbiting post but I think I've got it all off my chest now!