Too independant for my own good...How do you accept help without guilt?

[cupcake78]

My in-laws have offered to have ds (18mths) 1 day a week from september to help me study for my MA. I really want to go back to university and this offer makes it more of a possibility but i'm having real trouble with it all.

I am fiercly independent to a fault and just feel that DS is my responsibility and therefore I should find a job to fund studies and necessary childcare. However with studying full time I have been warned by the course tutor I would find it very difficult. Which I know would put added pressure on marriage, family life etc.

I am finding it so hard to accept help with all this. I feel guilty about the funding of the course, the affect me not working will have on DH, even though he has been wonderful and thinks I should just do it and stop thinking about it. I feel terrible about in-laws offer, its almost like I would owe them something if I accepted. I need to learn to accept help from people but I just can't seem to let go.

why would you feel terrible about their offer?

they're his grandparents, I bet they can't wait to be able to look after him.

say yes

Think of it as a massive benefit to your DS - DS1 would love to be looked after by his nanny one day a week (sadly she lives too far away). I bet your ILS are really looking forward to it as well

Your right, they love having him and he loves being with them. Thats not really the problem. Its that its such a great responsibility for them to take on. They're retired and should be free to do what they want when they want. They've had there days of family ties etc.

Its also the whole fact there doing it to help me. Its a totally alien concept to me. My parents think I should be left to get on with it and make my own way. They don't help with DS apart from the odd hour every 6 mths for dental checks etc. Thats the way its always been. I don't want to feel like I owe them something.

I imagine ds and your ils will all love to spend the time together and re feeling guilty about doing the course, presumably it's going to improve your future prospects which will have a positive impact on you, DH and DS. You're a team and there will be times where you all do things for each other and yourselves but if you're in it for the long haul it will all even out. Ditto with the in-laws - wouldn't you help them out if they needed it?

You seem to be looking at it all very negatively

Think of it another way

1. he will be interacting with other people and new experiences 2)He will know love and cuddles from his grandparents not just Mum and Dad. Which will give him a secure position for future adventures 3)If an emergency comes up he'll be so secure in their company it won't distress him.
2. Happy Mother Happy child
3. it takes a village to bring up a child. You'll be denying him so much if he only has you.
4. grandparents will feel that you are also part of their lives not just DIL. People who look after my Ds
5. Granny
6. sister & BIL
7. adult nephews
8. nursery
9. My friends with children
10. My friend without children During a month he has all these people with their different skills with him.

are you sure you're not looking for reasons not to do the MA? tbh they are more likely to be offended if you don't take them up on the offer lol - 'she doesn't trust us with dgs'

oh, and your tutor is absolutely right. it will be enormously hard and you will need all the support you can get. so accept it graciously.

Pinks, maybe your right. The thoought of just accepting it and being grateful hasn't crossed my mind. Its always been a definate "i can't". It would amke the whole thing alot more possible and ease the finances alot. I never look at us as beeing a team, its always I have to provide as much as dh to remain independant.

The more I type this the more of loon i sound

Never thought of the offending them if i refuse angle. Thats a very good point! knew you would all sort me out.

Want to do the MA so much! would treble earning potential

if you are feeling guilty, why not suggets that you try it for the first term? If it proves to be too much for them you can then look at other options. I bet one day a week will work out great, though

EffiePerine, thats a good idea, hadn't thought of a trial run. They have him now sometimes to help so I can catch up on work (studying now as well). He stays overnight and seems to have a lovely time.

Maybe I just need to have a nice glass of wine and phone them saying thanks for offer and it would be a great help. I'm so uptight

I know how you feel. I used to feel like that too but once I started to 'let go' I could see the benefits to everyone - dd and grandparents and now Im the biggest fan of the whole village to raise a child philosophy. It really is good for a child to have a whole network of people he/ she can rely on. I have just been ill and had to rely on others people's kindness and it has been so much easier knowing that its no big deal for dd. Also they really wouldn't offer if they didn't want to. I say go for it!

"They're retired and should be free to do what they want when they want."

But maybe looking after ds is what they want.
Take them up on the offer, although i understand how you feel as i am the same.