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Original poster

Dad dislikes new baby

17 replies

jools987 · 10/03/2009 12:53

Hi,

I have a 2 week old little boy. He's really good for a baby - eats well, sleeps well etc.

However, his dad is finding it really difficult to want anything to do with him and is just finding him an annoyance that he could quite happily bury in the back garden. We are both really worried about this but don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any experience of this? Does it get better for dad? Any tips on how to make it better? I'm hoping that as our new arrival develops and becomes more "interesting" we'll all be able to 'bond' better, as I'm struggling a little too. I really hope we're not the only ones feeling like this.

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nickytwotimes · 10/03/2009 12:56

Dh and I were both quite unimpressed with ds when he was born.
As time past we totall fell in love with him though. Newborns are quite dull tbh, but when they get bigger thye are so lovely.

Is he supporting you though? It's fair enough to find them dull and be a bit disinterested to begin with, but not hostile.

nickytwotimes · 10/03/2009 12:56

Sorry, hostile is a little strong, but you get my drift!

compo · 10/03/2009 12:58

are you letting him pick him up when he wants, bath him when he wants etc? sometimes the mum falls into the trap of doing everything for the baby and the dad doesn't get a look in at first
can he take him for walks while you rest?

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Songbird · 10/03/2009 12:58

I don't know anything about it, but I do remember from parentcraft classes that men can get PND. Maybe you should look in to this.

AMumInScotland · 10/03/2009 12:58

Hi, I suspect a lot of new dads find it very hard to bond with newborns. I mean, even a lot of mums find it hard, and they've had 9 months of pregnancy and a lot of hormones to get them used to the idea. I think once your baby gets a bit more "interactive" he should find he's getting more attached to him.

fryalot · 10/03/2009 12:59

what nicky said:

It's quite natural for new dads to feel a bit left out as well, all of your attention is now centred on the baby and dad can't really see the attraction - it's only a baby!

It does pass and your dh/dp will be over the moon with the baby in time.

Gorionine · 10/03/2009 12:59

PND can also affect fathers Could it be an expkanation for it?

Seeline · 10/03/2009 13:00

Agree with Compo - encourage him to do as much as possible. He can't possibly bond with teh LO if he never goes near him.

MarlaSinger · 10/03/2009 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scattyspice · 10/03/2009 13:07

Sympathies, its such a stressful time anyway .

I think its quite common for dads to not really 'get' babies and to find the whole thing a bit 'tense'.
I think the first few weeks with your first baby is so fraught with highs and lows. The baby throws your lives (and relationship) upside down. You are exhausted, overwhelmed and trying to meet the needs of this little one. You have very little time for each other. My dh (who has shaped into a wonderful dad) complained he was 'bored' when he was on his first paternity leave I was horrified! But to be fair you can see why, we couldn't go anywhere, I was a total stress case and totally baby obssessed ! (second time round he didn't have time to be bored as Ds was only 20mnths lol).
In time it will all settle down. As your baby grows, family life will become more normal. As the baby starts to interact (smile, laugh etc) it is easier to relate to baby as a little person.

Good luck.

starkadder · 11/03/2009 16:05

I hope this isn't rude or annoying but I couldn't help noticing that you said that you were struggling too - also, your ocmment "good for a baby" struck me as unusual - just wanted to say that if you are also feeling lack of bond with your baby, I think it is very very common and certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

Thankyouandgoodnight · 11/03/2009 21:29

Completely normal, don't worry

It took DH a good 3 months to start genuinely enjoying DS. Neither of us has any idea why but like your DP, he found him an annoyance that interfered with him watching films etc. DH recalls it as a 2 week period interestingly but it wasn't

noonki · 11/03/2009 21:40

When I had DS1, DH was really into him, then went to see my mum for a few days and when I came back (DS was 2 weeks) Dh looked at him in distain and eventually admitted that he was a momentarily gutted he had come back.

he is very soppy with them all now!

A friend recommended to do similar things that work for mums:

Skin to skin (in a justnappy if he is more relaxed)

2.eye contact. Just hold and look,

talking to the baby, any old rubbish.

Let him (make him) do all nappy changes, choose clothes, make decisions about the baby.

and wait for the smiles to come (that helps as they start responding to you)

I didnt bond for a while with DS2 and slowly slowly it came and now I love him with all my might as much as DS1.

Remember it is very early days and is a huge change that takes getting used to.

the fact that he has talked to you shows that he is well in tune and that it worries him shows that he wants to bond (and he will as long as he keeps doing stuff with your baby )

good luck to you both

coochicoo · 12/03/2009 09:49

My ds was also similar when dd came along. He would always say 'I don't like babies' which upset me. If I'm honest (and I can be now that we're past that stage) I felt the same way. #Ds was 2.8 at the time and such a little character, it was difficult going back to the baby stage. Dh used to take ds out so that I could relax and feed dd, but I really resented her for it. Whenever we were making plans to do something I would think to myself how much easier things were without her.

She's now 7 months and I can't bear to think about life without her. Dh is completely in love with her and he loves that he is sometimes the only person who can get her to sleep.

I've learnt that there isn't always this sudden rush of love that people describe. Loves grows as they grow into little people.

As somone else said, it's good that your dh is talking about how he feels.

It realy is a very stressful time.

coochicoo · 12/03/2009 09:50

My dh was very similar!

peppapighastakenovermylife · 14/03/2009 13:17

My DH was very similar. He seemed completely uninvolved and unamused by the whole thing. Very detatched and to be honest it was very hard. With DS he didnt make any attempt to hold him much or anything - and DS who was quite a difficult baby didnt react very well to him because at the end of the day he was almost a stranger.

Once DS got bigger, smiled etc he got a bit better...once he was moving and walking things got even better and now at nearly 3 they are best of friends.

However when DD was born it was the same. She is 6 months now - he has barely held her and if he does he just expects her to sit there and watch tv with him . However DD is a very smily happy baby and just grins away at him and he is starting to enjoy her now. I think he just doesnt get babies - he even told me when she was a few days old that she was really ugly which was only vaguely amusing as she is the spit of him and everyone kept saying so .

I would encourage as much involvement as you can - praise him, point out the lovely things...I dont know get a few tops with "my daddy is great" on them or something - you know what I mean - anything to encourage that bond. I bet things will get better as your son grows and interacts more. Men seem to like doing things more with them rather than just holding and cooing.

How are you feeling in all of this? I remember feeling very resentful, sad, like he was rejecting 'us'. The second time round I focused on it getting better.

xxx

thomsc · 17/03/2009 14:09

Hello, A dad here (of two DS's).

Sounds not unusual. It can take a while to bond and it is all a bit weird for the dads. It's not a conscious reaction, but everything has changed, someone else has ALL your attention (deservedly) and nothing will ever be the same for any of you. The baby is odd and no fun, it just sleeps and poos and feeds. Newborns are very boring to men. We don't do cooing and aahhing. At the moment DS really is YOUR baby.

But then...

The first SMILE at daddy, that's what will grab your DH by every fibre of his heart and grip tight.

As others have said, get him bathing your DS, or burping him, changing even just holding skin to skin. Send them out to the park for a walk so you can sleep. The mums in the park will coo and DH will smile and feel good.

It will happen!

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