I can't bring myself to leave ds with anyone

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

My son is 19 months, recently I left him with mil for a couple of hours and he screamed for us the whole time. She didn't call us so by the time we got back he was utterly hysterical and she'd sent sil out to buy dummies (instead of just call us, to prove a point that she didn't need us) after him not having a dummy for several weeks.

It was the first time I'd left him with her awake (in the past we'd gone out in the evening when he was fast asleep) and it has proved I can't trust her. I can trust my older sister but I've still only let her mind him once. Dp has him when I have to pop out without him, but never usually longer than an hour.

I always feel anxious about leaving him, always feel the reason to leave him isn't good enough, always feel like I'm putting people out and not doing my job if I make someone else mind him.

It's becoming an issue because I'm losing my temper and staying up late at night just to have some precious time to myself. I don't know what to do, the thought of leaving him makes me VERY anxious.

I think you need to address your anxiety issues first and foremost. It's fine to have your child with you all the time if you enjoy it, but if it's grinding you down and damaging your relationship with your child then really that can't be a good thing. What do you think is the root cause of your need to hang on to him do you think? At 19mths I think it's rather sad that he's never spent more than an hour with his dad (assuming your dp is his dad?) or any other member of his family, and if you don't start to help him build relationships with anyone other than you he will go on being clingy and unsure of himself I'm afraid, and you will feel worse and worse about leaving him.

I expect your MIL was trying to prove a point, but maybe more to you that your baby would be OK without you, rather than that she didn't need you? I could be totally wrong there of course and obviously it backfired, but was him getting in a bit of a paddy really that awful? My mother cares for my children differently than me (she liked doing things like putting them as babies in a pram in the garden to go to sleep in the fresh air (also good for not listening to too much crying)), but I wouldn't dream of giving her a blanket ban "don't do this or that" she grandparents how she likes, not how I want her to, and I have to accept that (my MIL sadly died long before dh and I had children) if I want her to develop a relationship with my children, which I do.

So why do you think you are so anxious? Does your ds have any health problems or did you have any scares (or miscarriages or deaths of children in the family maybe?). Are you worried about not being as good enough a mum as you think you should be perhaps? Do you think you are overcompensating for not wanting to always be with your ds - it really is fine not to spend all your time with your baby, or to resent them at times.

OP - a couple of comments

I feel sorry for your DP never having been allowed to spend more than an hour alone with his son - do you not trust him either? Hand over responsibility to him, you'll all benefit.

"Yeah in retrospect I should have said goodbye to him, but it was the first time I'd left him as an older baby who would understand more"
Yes, A 19 mo does understand more which is precisely why it is better to explain that you won't be long and will be back. I think you do need to work up to leaving him for longer periods. In fact I'm not being funny when I say you should start by playing peek-a-boo and hide and seek with him.

20 years ago? Some current child care books say you should try holding a tantrumming child close as they are afraid of their own tantrum and the power of it. Penelope Leach says this iirc.

I think you have some guilt/control issues you need to confront. It's ok to leave him with other people but build up slowly and explain things to him. He will cry a bit, it's normal. Change makes little children cry.

I second FAQ - the terrible 2s can start at 18mo IME

Good luck!

• but I agree the holding close approach doesnt help with some kids...

I think there is absolutely no point in thrashing out the rights and wrongs of what your MIL did. The bottom line is that you don't trust her and leaving your DS with her will make you even more anxious. So you should not try that one again until he is older, when I think you will feel quite differently about it.

In the meantime I think you should make a point of allowing him to spend time doing things with his dad, and book your sister for some chunks of time to do something nice with DS too.

It's obviously really important for all 3 of you that your DS has a good relationship with his dad, in which everybody feels that he is just as much a parent as you are. I think once you've tackled that, the other stuff may become much easier for you and for DS.

Good luck (and fwiw I would be enormously upset at the idea that my toddler had been screaming for 2 hours without my knowledge, especially if he wasn't used to being left, so I do sympathise).