DD said to dp I dont tell you what I do at school because you are not my real Dad, should I speak to dd.

[twinsetandpearls]

Dp has been around since dd was a toddler, she cannot remember him not being there but she knows he is not her Dad. She has never really seen a lot of her Dad but idolises hom and i have never wanted to stop that. I have never encouraged or wanted dd to call dp dad.

Tonight she was on the phone to her Dad waxing lyrical about the school day. When she got off the phone dp said in a very light hearted manner "you never tell me what you do at school" And dd replied.,
"I dont tell you because you are not my real Dad and you dont need to know"

Now of course she is right dp is not her Dad but this was IMO rude. What should I say if anything?

If it is relevant dp works from home so he can be the SAHP for dd, during term time he is her full time parent and because of my work I do very little with her during the week.

yes, a little gentle chat definately needed I think

are you on good enough terms with her biological father so thats he's in on the chat too?

what age is she twinset?

Yes I can talk to her father as well and I know he will back us up.

She is 7 and becoming increasingly hormonal.

I think its important that you and he show a considered and united stance on this, she'll be torn between the two men in her live and I think she needs to know its ok to love them both but one does not take priority over the other when she's effectively lucky enough to have 2 doting dads

if that makes no sense then tell me to feck off, its late and I should've been in bed hours ago!

live life, good grief

am def off to bed now

Yes dizzy. And she has always been quite qroud of having 2 doting dads, I am not quite sure why she said it. I am sure she knew it would be hurtful.

I have 7 yo dd, and this sounds like the kind of thing she might say if I said "you never tell me about x,y,z" A cheeky/rude response.

Think I would make the conversation about how it's hurtful and rude to say "he's not my real dad" and that she is fortunate to have 2 dads. Don't think it will work to say she has to tell your dp all about her day - she's going to do that if she feels like it and it's not necessarily rude if she talks to her bio dad about it and not your dp. DD might feel in the mood to share stuff about school with me and not DH - just depends on how the conversation is going and what she is talking about.

I think that it might be worth trying to look at this from your dd's point of view. She has just finished a phone conversation with her real dad whom you say she idolizes but doesn't get to see often. I can imagine that your dp saying what he did might have seemed intrusive. And perhaps it just suddenly reminded her that the person she wants to have around all the time (her real dad), isn't around and instead she has her step dad. I'm sure she loves her stepdad, but maybe just needed a little time to savor her phone call with her real dad without having step dad intrude. It sounds like your dp has plenty of time with her where he can establish his own time and relationship to ask her about her day and not have to impinge on her precious little real dad time. At 7 is when kids (particularly girls) start needing their own space. I'm sure she would be happy to discuss her school day with her step dad, if he asked in the right situation. But just after she's just told the whole day to her real dad, is not the right situation.
Although I have very little tolerance for rudeness from children, I think that in this situation (since it sounds like a one off), I would let it go and try to be more careful about giving her space and privacy in her relationship with her real dad. If her behavior tends in general to rudeness to her stepdad, then maybe a general conversation about who's in charge might be appropriate, but I wouldn't bring it back to this particular situation.

I think I'd go for the bedtime chat approach, and ask her why she said what she did in a non confrontational way, so as to let her know that what she said was hurtful, but also allow her to say if she has feelings similar to those Sofia has posted about. I think these things are better talked through than ignored as she needs to learn not to hurt others (as do all 7 year olds) but also to be able to speak up for her own feelings and preferences. Plus it's always nice to have bedtime chats

Is she maybe acting out because she's still unsettled by the move? for you all.

I think that if you let the idea "your not my real dad" take root, you will have lots of probs later.

What is real, IMHO parenting is the job you do, not just a biological contribution, would you say adoptive parents aren't real parents?

It is perfectly OK to have two dads, and I would definately have a chat to her about how your dp does the job of a dad, considers her his child (i assume he does) and that she was being rude.

What SofiaAmes said. I would tread carefully and treat it as a signpost to the way she really feels about the situation. I would reprimand the rudeness- if she has a good relationship with her stepdad then I'm sure she'll be able to appreciate that she upset him- but should she really have to place him on the same footing as her real dad?

Thankyou Sofia I had not looked at it that way, this is exactly what is good about mumsnet. There are a lot of issues between her and her Dad as her little mind has had to compute that her Daddy is not perfect as he has just left his new partner and there child. Dd went through a phase of saying things like "Why does my Dad leave his children?"

This rudeness is not a one off but dp and I have discussed not picking things up from phonecalls with her Dad, that is private time between them.

I have never asked dd to place her dad on the same footing as dp. For that reason I have never asked her to call dp Dad despite the fact that her biological Dad makes very little contribution to her life, ( and I have never told dd that) and dp does everything, more most days than me. I just think what she said was hurtful and she has of late adopted a bit of a sulky teenager attitude with people despite being 7.

Thankyou Sofia I had not looked at it that way, this is exactly what is good about mumsnet. There are a lot of issues between her and her Dad as her little mind has had to compute that her Daddy is not perfect as he has just left his new partner and there child. Dd went through a phase of saying things like "Why does my Dad leave his children?"

This rudeness is not a one off but dp and I have discussed not picking things up from phonecalls with her Dad, that is private time between them.

I have never asked dd to place her dad on the same footing as dp. For that reason I have never asked her to call dp Dad despite the fact that her biological Dad makes very little contribution to her life, ( and I have never told dd that) and dp does everything, more most days than me. I just think what she said was hurtful and she has of late adopted a bit of a sulky teenager attitude with people despite being 7.