I am so scared

[lobsters]

Hello

I'm new on this forum. I've got a 2 month old DD. In her 2 months she's been in hospital twice seriously ill with different conditions. Otherwise she seems like a healthy, lively baby. The second issue was serious breathing difficulties on Thursday morning and she was in hospital for 2 days. They seem to have resolved the breathing issues, but what happened on Thursday morning was very, very scary and I now can't relax.

I'm not sure how I'm going to sleep tonight. I haven't really slept for the last couple of nights. I keep listening to her snuffle on the monitor and if I don't hear anything I have to go into her room to look. I just keep worrying about whether she's breathing. I think I need to talk to someone about Thursday, but I don't want to go through what happened with any family or friends. I'm thinking about buying a breathing monitor, but DH thinks we will just get too many false alarms. I just keep crying worrying about her, I don't want anything to happen to her. The only time I can relax is when my mother's help comes over and I know someone is watching her. We got some help as DH works abroad a lot during the week and my family are 250 miles away.

Is it possible to relax and not ahve every waking thought when she in not in my sight be "is she breathing?".

Beautiful - thanks for that, I've been looking at the Respisense monitor, I love the idea of it, it's exactly what I need. I was just slightly wary as I'd not heard of it before and it's not stocked by mainstream retailers, but I think I might order one tomorrow. The hospital used a small light weight apnea monitor that I was very close to sneaking into my bag!!!

I was wary too, for those reasons, but it was so good. I loved its portability (for when they're in the car seat, etc) and you can adjust its sensitivity. Plus, the alarm changes if it's been off more than once.

We did get several false alarms it occasionally dropped off his nappy and went off but I didn't mind. To be honest, we had far fewer false alarms with this than DS1's breathing-monitor mat that went inhis cot. He was forever rolling off that and setting it off.

Plus it has a "tickle" feature where, if it doesn't sense movement, it uses a vibration to gently "jolt" them back into breathing. I never knew if this would truly work, but it was another layer of reassurance.

All I would say is, I did sleep through it twice and DS2 sleeps literally 6 inches from my head. It's not as loud as I'd like it to be. But you might be a lighter sleeper than I am.

Can you ask the hospital if you can borrow or hire a monitor? If not, ask them to recommend one.

We used a Respisense with DD as she was either cosleeping or in an Amby hammock and the pad sensor we had with DS wouldn't work. We did get a lot more false alarms with the Respisense than we did with the pad monitor (never had any false alarms with that), but I didn't mind that too much as at least you know that it's working.

I have two Tommee Tippee monitors with the motion sensor - one for each child! I suppose I should be but I'm not. I'm fully, fully, . Mine are the older version of this: www.tommeetippee.co.uk/product/suresound_ultimate_monitor/

I think they're the best thing I've ever bought.

My kids are perfectly healthy. When DC 1 came along my health visitor advised me against buying one. Someone he knew had one with the ticking on and it made them really paranoid - according to him.

I ignored him and bought one for DD and it has had totally the opposite effect. It's made me completely relaxed and happy. When DS came along we bought one for him too. Mine are 4.5 and 2.1 now and I don't usually turn the alarm on anymore. You can have them with ticking on or off (I think - I've never used ticking). I have always had mine set to just flashing.

I think they're great. On an evening I forget about them - occassionaly I glance up and see both kids flashing and I'm happy. Same on a night when you. I roll over, glance at each flashing monitor and I'm happy.

I used to have them on alarm when the kids were little. We had a few false alarms when they were very small. (But as PortAndLemon says, at least you know they're working) But the comfort outweighed the inconvenience, in my mind.

If the kids are poorly now I turn the alarm on - just in case. DS got his stomach fully jumped on by a 6' idiot dad (not ours!) that got onto a bouncy castle when DS was on with a couple of littlies at the weekend. I was out of my mind over the weekend. I put on the soundseek (which makes the monitor louder but you get a lot of hiss - but who cares when you're in that state?) and I managed to get some sleep as you could kind of hear it flash IYKWIM (I could have put tick on but I'd forgotton about that function).

I'm a very anxious person, compounded by a couple of scary incidents, so, to me, mine are worth their weight in gold 10x over.

The person who said you need to know what to do if you have a genuine alarm makes a really good point.

The only downside to mine is that you get a bit of interference on the parent units if you have things with transformers plugged in in the same room - not a prob in the living room but a bit hissy in the bedroom if I put my mobile on charge overnight. Having said that, I still love mine so much I don't mind.

Put her in a moses basket on the bed with you. Boot the other half onto the sofa or floor or in your baby's room until you calm down/

Both my ds's slept in moses basket on my bed - I wasn't scared of squashing them and could be there with them without even opening my eyes. I was anxious about their breathing (for no reason though!) and it really helped me to settle, knowing that whatever happened, I would hear it.

It isn't normal to have such a tiny baby in her own room.

As for the slope - put a pillow under the head end pof the basket.

Lobsters we have an angel care monitor and put the pad on a piece of board under his matress and then put the wedge under the board to raise cot level. He did roll down once or twice and monitor went off but it was better than me worrying all night.

That must be so scary. I was recently reading an extensive study done by one of the universities on baby sleep. They found that babies who co-slept did NOT get sleep apnoea...at all!!! This is only comon sense really, as tiny babies are unable to regulate their own bodies, after 9 months of you doing it all for them in the womb, it is something that takes a while. When you sleep next to your baby it regulates their body temperature, metabolism, heart rate and BREATHING. It is not natural and potentially unsafe for babies to sleep in another room. All "SIDS research" that tells you otherwise is apparently mostly propaganda put about by a cot manufacturing company in the US. Most countries in the world co-sleep. They have also done studies where hundreds of mothers were filmed sleeping with their babies and incidents of them rolling onto the babies were ZERO. So long as you aren't drinking/smoking/taking drugs/excessively tired/ill you will not squash her! It can take a few nights to get used to - I was very nervous when we started co-sleeping but realised it was fine after a few nights. You are fine to put her under your duvet, pull her close to you and cuddle her. She will LOVE it and you may too.

Thanks for all the messages, she will be sleeping with me, but I didn't want to sleep while she slept in case something happened, however the breathing monitor has now arrived and seems to be working and seems to be giving me the extra reassurance I need. Am also considering talking to the HV tomorrow about counselling of some kind, I am in some kind of delayed shock

I've had 3 seriously scary incidents with my 2 - DD's wasn't health, when 2.5yo she hid for at around 15-20 mins (which doesn't sound long but it's way past getting you to the point where you are actually facing having to come to terms her having been abducted) in a big shop in a huge shopping centre miles from home. And I've had 2 health scares with DS.

I think, when you've actually been faced with the reality of the fear of losing them, it does change you.

That's NOT so say that you never recover. I think your reaction is a normal and healthy reaction to what you've been through. It'll take time to get over it.

I'm glad you've got a monitor because mine have really helped me over the years.

Gradually, you'll start to relax again.

I've read that sleeping them next to you helps them regulate their breathing, as someone has said. I used to have mine in a moses basket right next to my bed until they were over 6 months, but the alarm was there just to wake me if anything did happen - and to allow me to relax while everything was okay.

It's extra hard when they're tiny. It gets easier as they get older. You get to know what 'normal' for them is, it's easier to differentiate between ill and just plain tired or grumpy, and eventually they can tell you if they hurt/are sick etc.

It's natural and healthy, IMO, to feel like you do after such a terrible experience. It's a living hell while you're going through it but you'll learn to relax again. Take all the help you can get - it helps to talk things through. But, IMO, stick to your guns about what you think is best for you and your baby - even if some people think you are being over-cautious.

This must be so scary.
When I first started going out with my wife, she asked me if she could trust me. I replied that nothing I could say would mean that she could trust me, but she would figure out for herself over time if she could or not.
Maybe this will be the same for you - as time goes by and you don't have any more major alarms, you will also learn not to worry so much (I don't mean that you are over-worrying).
I hope you will feel more relaxed soon.

Can you talk to you mum and / or close friend about it. You say your husband is away a lot and it a lot of worry for you to carry. I understand you don't want to worry them, but they won't have the (understandably) extreme anxiety you have. Just imagine, if it was your daughter or your friend who was going through what you are, you'd want to be able to support them.

I understand your worry completely

My ds developed seizures soon after birth that stopped his breathing and that happened every five minutes or so for the first 24 hours until they stopped it with drugs. They have now stopped altogether. But until recently (he is now 13 months) he has slept on one of these. Best money we have ever spent and never had a false alarm until he developed the habit of sleeping on his side pressed against the cot bars.

It 'helps' that he has mild cerebral palsy and is less mobile. but the thing has been worth every penny in sleep and neurotic pacing up and down.