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DD 10 having problems with friend

8 replies

bradsmissus · 09/03/2009 15:30

I know DCs falling out with their friends is an age old problem and I honestly usually try and stay out of it, encourage them to sort things out for themselves.

However, DD is 10 and this situation seems to get worse every week. She is friends with a boy in her class. They made friends when they started the same school 2 years ago and seemed to hit it off immediately. He makes her laugh, they have alot of common interests, he is helping her with her guitar practice - you get the picture. The problem is, at least once a week, for no apparent reason, he turns totally against her, accuses her of bizarre things and is generally nasty to her. An example is that a few weeks ago, her told a teacher that she had arranged for a year 7 boy to beat him up!! He has accused her of this before and I may even have posted about it then. He calls her names, torments her in the playground and tells people all sorts of lies about her. He hates her being friends with anyone else and sadly, she has lost other friends because of it. She seems totally unable to stand up to him. If he is mean, it makes her cry, she cannot understand how someone who is supposed to be her friend can be so mean. I think she is bewildered and doesn;t know what to say. I have pleaded with her to try and distance herself from him, I cannot understand why she wants to be friends with him but she insists that she likes him alot.

Now, on a weekly basis, she is coming home in floods of tears, she is apprehensive about going in to school the following day and is generaly miserable for a couple of days. He seems to delight in telling her that he can say what he likes because he knows she always forgives him.

I am at a total loss as to what to do. I don't want to ignore her misery but I am so fed up with listneing to the same thing week in week out. I don't mean to sound harsh, of course I will always let her talk to me about it. She doesn't want me to talk to the teacher because she thinks he will then give her more grief for getting him in to trouble.

She is not a confident child, she doesn't like confrontation, she hates the thought of upsetting anyone and she CAN be a bit sensitive.

Is this run of the mill friendship stuff or should I be doing more about it?

(He has been to our house and I know his Mum although not that well. I spoke to her about it once before and she said she would speak to him, he then spent the next 2 weeks telling DD that she had got him grounded and he hated her for getting him in to trouble). I do have certain theories about why he is like this but I don't want to be too judgey and I don't know the whole story.

Sorry it's long, once I got typing I couldn't stop!!!! Thanks if you got this far.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
bradsmissus · 09/03/2009 15:55

Shamelss bump but only because I've just had a text from CM to say DD is crying about it again today

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 09/03/2009 15:58

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CarofromWton · 09/03/2009 16:07

It's a difficult one. I too would tell her teacher and ask her to keep a look out. The problem is this is probably going on in the playground when teachers don't get to see what's happening. (My DD1 (10) was bullied last year by a couple of girls and it was all in the lunchtime break and the teacher was not aware of it. It made our lives miserable for a while and it only stopped when I went to see the Head).

What are the lunchtime supervisors (dinnerladies) like at her school - do you think they could keep an eye out for her?

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mummyflood · 09/03/2009 18:31

I have boys, not girls, so difficult to judge the emotions involved from your Daughter's side. However, if either of my Sons was upsetting anyone to this degree I would be livid. To be honest this sounds more like bullying than any type of friendship, how exactly did the school react when this boy told the teacher your Daughter had 'arranged to have him beaten up'??

I know that the advice is usually not to get involved with friendships/falling out, etc. as it is best for them to learn the ins and outs themselves, but I dont think that your Daughter needs to be thinking that this behaviour is acceptable as any sort of friendship. Bizarre coming from a boy too, in my experience it is rare for them to be as unpredictable as this - what you see is usually what you get, IYSWIM. If it was me, I would definitely be having a word with the school, in view of the fact that you say she is extremely distressed to the point of being reluctant to go to school sometimes. Not on IMO.

Is it possible to have another word with the Mother - you say you suspect there may be 'reasons' for his behaviour, are these something you can discuss with her?

Good luck, I hope you resolve this soon for her.

CarofromWton · 09/03/2009 20:40

I really would not bother speaking to the mother again - I'm afraid I tried to do this and got my eyebrows singed for my trouble! This is bullying and you can't put up with it any longer. The first thing the Head said to me when I and DD told her the extent of the problem was "I wish you hadn't left it so long to tell me". I was initially hoping that the bullying would just die a natural death, that my DD would learn to stand up for herself, and that I was best to leave it to the kids to sort out; it didn't work.

bradsmissus · 10/03/2009 09:28

Thanks for the advice everyone. Sleep has clarified things and I had a chat to DD and DH this morning. We have agreed to speak to the teacher about it. I rang the school and we are going after school today to meet with him, he is very concerned and wants to deal with it.

She finally reached the point yesterday where she realises that this is not friendship and she doesn't want to let it carry on.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
mummyflood · 10/03/2009 15:56

Good luck bradsmissus, hope you get it sorted. Hugs for your little girl.

CarofromWton · 10/03/2009 22:13

Good move bradsmissus - please keep us posted. It sounds like your DD has already made some progress.

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