My dd (aged 4) seems so insecure and I think it's my fault. Please help.

[peggotty]

I think it all started when I was pg with ds who is now 13months. I was knackered throughout and towards the end irritable with dd. THen when ds was born, i hoped it would all improve and I would get back on track with dd and 'make it up' with her for being a cow during pregnancy. However, ds was an awful baby, crying loads, attached to my boobs almost permanently, awake lots at night etc etc and things with dd became even worse, I almost think I took it out on her that ds was such hard work . I wasn't coping very well generally, I resented my ds and resented dd as well.

Now, ds is lovely, he is a happy little boy who is easy and will even entertain himself for periods of time. I feel like I have properly 'fallen in love' with him iykwim not just loving him because he's my ds and I should. But my dd is jealous and attention seeking. I'm not surprised because it's so much easier for me to be nice and loving towards ds because he's not as demanding as a clever 4 year old. She's always been whingy but it's reached new levels. I've recently started medication for depression and am starting to feel the benefit of that but I still find it hard to be positive with my dd - I feel quite worn down by the whinging etc. I know that the way she is is really my fault because of my sometimes awful behaviour towards her in the last couple f years. She has this thing where she'll say 'I like you mummy' about 10 or 15 times a day, just constantly seeking my reassurance. She also very often says she doesn't want to go to playgroup because she doesn't want to be away from me and and is very clingy generally. In the past, all this had made me feel so claustrophobic and I've pushed her away, which of course makes it worse. I've been trying recently, to reassure her as much as possile, giving her lots of hugs and kisses, and individual attention when I can, but I'm so scared I may have damaged her and I have a fear she will grow up with no confidence or self-esteem. Can anyone help?

My dd just turned 4 has also recently become very clingy , she tells me often that she loves me and asks for ressurance with cuddles etc.

Could it not just be more of a behaviour milestone ? The idea of them gaining a bit more independance , getting ready for school etc.
She is also very strong willed and demanding.

I think you may be projecting a lot of general 4 year old traits onto yourself unessicarily.

I also feel constantly guilty about various situations and decided that every behaviour under the sun was to do with this or that that I had "done" to my daughter eg leaving her at nursery one day a week when she was two, not feeding her exactly the right things not being strict enough, being too strict, being slightly depressed and therefore grumpy and a bit withdrawn from her during time when we had two miscarriages and fertility treatmentetc. But then I started to realise that all the thre year olds I know demonstrate mainly the same traits, some more some less and even the most child centred mother who never seems to be impatient, always follows her child's needs etc has a three year old who hits all the time.

I wish I would hear the words I'm going to say and take them on myself, but children are often clingy or various other things and it's not your fault. She will be fine - is fine already in fact - and won't have picked up on everything you think she has. Be kind to yourself - it's no joke raising two children. You are doing a good job - four year olds can't read the inside of your head and the kisses and cuddles will do their job.
By the way I also have a baby and the three year old seems even more demanding in comparison with the adorable smiling chappie that he is - but that doesn't mean your dd knows you feel that way.

The funny thing is, when I had a happy, confident eight month old daughter who was happy to be left, I worried just as much-hadn't bonded properly etc! It's the people who don't worry who should worry IYSWIM!

I just wanted to say that my DS (3.8) is also a bit insecure at the moment and tells me he loves me many many times each day.

I know how hard it is and am familiar with that guilty feeling; DS2 (19mo) has been really really hard work (demanding, whiney,and never sleeps), I have little patience these days and sometimes poor DS1 takes the worst of it.

I make sure I balance out any crap bits with lots of hugs and kisses, and I always try to talk to him about what is going on and have explained that I always love him. He is definitely worried about starting school in sept, as he has regressed with potty training at the moment too. He is a very happy and confident boy otherwise.

Guilt has got to be the worst part of being a mother!
I think you can change your relationship with your children at any point. As Annabel1 said, it's the people who don't worry who should.
I just read 'Siblings Without Rivlary' and found it really helpful. Amongst other things it openly talks about parents having 'favourite' children. They talk about how to do the best for each of your children as indiviuals despite having one that 'speaks to your heart'.
There's a lot of advice on how to bring out the traits you want to see more of in your kids and how to stop yourself and others casting children in 'roles' (eg 'the easy one' 'the whingey one' 'the demanding one').
I could go on forever about the suggesitons but if you can, get your hands on a copy. It summarises every chapter with a comic strip and one page summary. I just re-read those bits when I need to remind myself of better ways to interact with my DS (particularly when he's pushing my buttons!)
It sounds like you've already started making cchanges even though you've not been well. Keep it up. It's bloody hard work!