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Original poster

Help i need someone to to talk to that i do not know

18 replies

basl · 06/03/2009 23:17

Cut a long story short. I have two children 3 and 7 months and i am struggling big time. I have lost the plot as my little one is crawling standing trying to walk and eats like you would not believe. My little girl however is now 3 and never eats but is so clever and bouncy but so so cheeky and makes me so angry that i have taken to shouting at the top of my voice and she now does the same. I have lost a sister to cancer two years now and wonder if this is taking it's toll or that i am too old at 38 to have a toddler and a 7 months to look after. My little boy had a collapesed lung when he was born and things where very tense as he was in intensive care but he is a total bruiser now and so into everthing. I feel completely overwhelmed by them both and due to go back to work in April. I think i may be depressed but can not stand the attention from my health visitor who can not undrestand why i am not cracking up with the troubles i have had but the truth is i don't want to tell anyone incase they thinkk i am a failur. help

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BitOfFun · 06/03/2009 23:27

It sounds like you are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself. Kids that age do stress the best of us out, it's in the job description! Are you a perfectionist generally? I think you might be happier if you asked for some help you know- there's no shame in it. What is this health visitor like?

fin42 · 06/03/2009 23:34

It sounds like your HV has picked up that you're struggling, and as BitofFun says there is no shame whatsoever in being that way. If you can bring yourself to, accept any help that is offered. I have only one child (DS is 4) and I feel that sometimes it's hard to cope, and it's sometimes even harder to admit that. I feel for you.

wrinklytum · 06/03/2009 23:40

Awww Basl.It is so hard in the early stages of 2.I was completely loony at this point as I had a small age gap and no 2 had sn that were undiagnosed and I was waiting to go back to work.Cut yourself some slack.If you think you could be depressesd please seek help.You are not a failure for doing this.

Re Eating.Don't stress too much.It is a phase.I fed ds fishfingers or good quality sausages or spag bol for weeks on end as for a while it was the only thing he would eat .Now hes 5 he is broadening his rangeThe worst thing to do is get wound up about it (I speak from bitter experience)

Re the anger: You are tired and stressed.I remember going to the bottom of the garen and bawling my eyes out as I was SOOO tired.I found the "Count to ten" method helped.Or leaving the room for a couple of minutes if I found I wa s getting tooo wound up.Sometimes I even had a crafty fag (bad mummy emoticon)

RE your sister.I am very sorry that is very hard.If you feel you are still having issues with grief (which is perfectly natural) then it may be worth talking to CRUSE bereavement organisation.

Finally it WILL get better.Mine are 3 and 5 now and we have a sort of routine and they are bigger and have more understanding and it gets easier.

I'm no spring chicken either

Take care and a big hug,Wrinkly x

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kathrynharriet · 06/03/2009 23:40

Oh basl, it is so hard when you feel like this. I had a terrble time last year after my dd2 had been in an out of hospital . These things do take there toll on you, there is no shame in asking for help. You have not failed everyone needs help, you can go and see you GP rather than your HV. I didn't ask for help as like you, i felt i had do it all myself and it was me failing rather than a problem that anyone could help with.
Looking back now I realise how much harder I made things, even my DH didn't realise how bad I felt. Have you any support at home? What child care have you arranged for april- would it be possible for them to go now to give you some time to rest?

thumbwitch · 06/03/2009 23:45

I have a friend who was going through some very hard times at one point a few years ago. I offered her some relaxing reflexology and she said "thanks, but No. If I relax at all, I will completely cave in - it's only the stress that keeps me going".

Does that sound familiar to you? It isn't an ideal situation or way to think - you can get help that will reduce your burden without causing you to cave in totally; there are people you can talk to, CRUSE are very useful as someone has already said in case your grieving for your sister is contributing to the pressure; Homestart can be useful to life some of the child-related pressures; and your HV might be able to direct you towards some useful groups (if that's your sort of thing).

It is possible to get a bit of help and still stay strong

Original poster

basl · 06/03/2009 23:47

hi my hv has picked up on how i am feeling as i broke down one day when she popped in. I feel some days i am great and just get on with it and other days i am a mess. I feel i dont't know who i am and just want to sit and ook at the compter and look at ebay and anything that does not envolve spending too much time trying to keep my kids happy. My sister is a child minder and thinks i am great with the kids and so does my husband but i really can put it on when i am with others. I have really let my self go and i am overweight and look awfull and don't know how to get out of this rutt. I think i have some issues with my sister dying but i just have no confidence and feel so tired all the time. I do not want to have any anti depressants as there are times if i have company i feel happy i have lots of help with family near by but when on my own with kids and i can not drive and weather bad walks to nursery etc and baby should be sleeping it all drags me down.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 06/03/2009 23:49

admitting you need help and may have PND doesn't automatically mean you will be put on anti-depressants, you know. There are other things they can do to help.

Your HV should be able to do a test to see whether you have PND - if she suggests it, I think you should do it - then at least you know what you are up against.

ShowOfHands · 06/03/2009 23:58

There is help for you. It doesn't have to be tablets.

You are not a failure. If you take on board anything tonight, please let it be that.

You are in a rut and you can tackle it one little thing at a time but please admit this to people in real life.

Can you talk to your husband firstly? Let him in.

What about homestart? Just to take the pressure off a little?

wrinklytum · 06/03/2009 23:59

Yes sometimes the GP can offer counselling.So not neccessarily anti depressants.

My youngest didn't sleep.I can totally relate to that.It is dire.It DID happen eventually though.Even thoguh you feel crap,if you can try to get out of the house for a walk with the children.I forced myself.Just getting out the house for a walk made me feel better.

Do you have friends/family that could maybe look after the children for a couple of hours?Maybe you could go and get your hair cut/buy some new clothes or something to make you feel better.?

I felt I was losing "Me" in the early stages of having 2 small children xxx

Original poster

basl · 07/03/2009 00:00

yeah she appeard one day and i did the test and yeah she asked if i should maybe consider going to see the doctor. Anyway i told my family and they all said oh it will ge ok lets all muck in. I forgot to add my 3 year old has a problem with doing poo's and i have been attending a clinic to help her over come this problem. This is exhausting she needs changed from her pull ups just before the walk to nursery or just in the middle of meal time for the baby and now out of the blue she is wetting her self. I told my husband tonight i feel completley out of control as a parent but he keeps reminding me how the nursery thinks she is great and speaks and plays well but at home she is a little madame. The little one screams at feed time and i find it all too much and the other day i burst into tears and she said hey mums are not supposed to cry but i replyed wellthis mum is cause i am fed up with all this. My husband was not pleased when i told him and i felt bad but i just get sooo highly strung....

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FairLadyRantALot · 07/03/2009 00:04

Toddler and Baby is so hard...feel your pain...
struggled with son no 1, than son no 2 6 1/2 years later was a doddle, so decided on another baby....21 month agegap and I really struggled....and now they are 4 1/2 and 6 and a bit....and they either seem to be fab together or fight...but the playing is getting more and the fighting less

Original poster

basl · 07/03/2009 00:07

thanks for all the replys it does make me feel better. I even thought i had a thyroid problem as i have no energy at all and spent a fortune on supplements but not even bothered to take them. I would love to know how to calm down and not shout

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Original poster

basl · 07/03/2009 09:45

WRINKYTUM i just keep reading your reply over and over and what a lovely response. Thanks for taking the time to give me some advice you have such a lovely way of making someone feel better thanks.

OP posts:

rabbiton · 09/03/2009 01:03

basl I have same age gap, DD1 had early operation and I had a bit of PND with him. was finding myself shouting every afternoon until just the other day and now DD1 copies my behaviour so I have cut myself some slack on housework and don't care how much time I spend on Facebook as I am up two hourly with DD2. Am also a perfectionist which I am letting go of. Getting pressure to spend quality time with DD1 but he is so clingy I am never away from either of them. Your diet is really important when you feel depressed, I swear by pineapple juice to keep me happy in times of stress. There's a list of things that keep your serotonin levels balanced so just pick one you like and see how you go. You'll probably find a list on the internet. Doctors never tell you these things.

Beantin · 09/03/2009 10:07

Talk to GP who can refer you to a clinical psychology dept. sounds scary and medical, but is really just a nice person to chat to who can point you in the direction of some coping strategies - sometimes they may even have support gps for people with same needs. Doesn't mean you are a failure at all - everyone gets like it and needs someone to talk to. I am not religious at all (perhaps you are?) but have often been sad that can't pop into local church and have a chat to the vicar - impartial, just listens and let's you get it all out - maybe i've watched too many tv vicars? There are alsi independent people who you could talk to but have to pay for. I once paid £50 for an hour when going thru a big change in life and lots of stress. Was bloody worth it though!

MoshiMoshi · 09/03/2009 13:52

Agree that you should talk honestly with your GP who may be able to refer you for counselling. Talking things through is a great start if not an end in itself. Good luck!

Original poster

basl · 09/03/2009 16:19

thanks everyone for the advice, i am too scared to go to the gp i don't know why i don't like talking about things and i hate what will happen if i let go and get really upset. I will try to eat better and look after myself. i don't get nearly enough fresh air. Thanks again

OP posts:

Beantin · 09/03/2009 18:43

look on google then for independent person to talk to, although gp would be best. eating and fresh air will help you physically but you really need someone to talk to. I think you are scared of letting it all out, but to be honest, i think you'd feel good talking to someone who'll - certainly - say 'of course you're feeling like that - you're dealing with a lot, anybody in your situation would be the same'. it will be really worth it to hear it from someone professional. the other option is the samaritans? i know these options may sound scary as you prob think they make it sound like you have a real problem - that's not the case, but you have to let it out. perhaps someone like samaritans, on end of phone would be easier to cry to? i called them once as one of my friends tried to commit suicide and i wanted some advice on how to talk to him - they were great. i'm not afraid to go and talk to people about things, but only cos i've learned it's the only way. perhaps i have no shame and will happily cry in front of strangers ;)

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