How has your relationship to your first-born changed after number 2 has arrived?

[Schnullerbacke]

I feel really awful for even thinking like that, worse for writing this down so I really hope someone else has gone through it and tells me I am not an awful mother.

A bit of background, when my DD1 was born 2.5 years ago, it has been quite hard in the beginning as PIL were there for the first month and pretty much took over. I breastfed and always felt in a rush to 'hand' DD over so they have some time with her (live VERY far away and knew they wouldn't see her for another year). Good for them but not for me as it took me almost 6 months afterwards to bond with her. The last few years have been great though and I have loved her to bits.

Just had a new baby 5 days ago and my feelings are more confused than ever. I don't think I am depressed, bit tired of course but feeling good otherwise. DD2 is a very easy baby and if she wasn't hungry or had dirty nappies, you wouldn't know she was there. I enjoy the cuddling so much, I don't want to do anything else.

Problem is DD1. I just have no patience for her at all, especially since she goes through a eveything is 'no' phase and I find myself repeating over and over again. Then she whines, throws herself on the floor and just gets on my bloody nerves. I try to cuddle her as much as I can and play with her, but its more out of duty and make her feel part of the family. I must love her I guess as I am crying as I write this as I feel so guilty but sometimes I do look at her and it leaves me feeling cold, as if she was someone else's child and not mine. She also follows me a lot and I understand why, can't be easy for her, she is the most adoring little girl etc but she annoys me so much and I just want to be left alone.

Now that I have written it down I feel even worse, like something will happen to her ( accident or illness) because of my bad feelings and I will regret feeling like this for the rest of my life.

Feel so crap about this - has anyone else experienced this? Thanks.

This could be me writing this almost five years ago. My D.s was a detached baby where I was concerned,but thoroughly adored my D.h. Although we laughed about this,I suppose on some level it reinforced a conviction somewhere that I was not a good mum. Anyway,two years later my lovely D.d was born,and it was mutual adoration from the word go. My D.s then became really difficult, maddened, I now realise by jealousy. Life was really hard,and when I look at photos of that time I see a really sad and mistrustful small boy,but at the time he just drove me crazy. Two year olds are really hard work,compared to a perfect new born, so they are at such a distinct disadvantage. Just hang in there. Cuddle your big girl as much as you can, and over indulge your small one when she has gone to bed. I sometimes ask my D.s with much trepidation if he remembers anything from when he was two, and thank goodness he says no, so hopefully he has not been scared. He is ironically now a real mummys boy.

I meant scarred. But he also was scared.

Yes. I really identify with what you've written and you've explained it better than I managed at the time (8 mths ago). For me it was a phase, it passed, we've had lots more phases since, some worse, some wonderful. I probably now feel more bonded with the elder than the younger at the moment. I hope someone else writes and says its all okay and sorts itself out! But the guilt is worse than anything, so try not to beat yourself up about normal feelings.

I think this is normal. It's probably nature's way of concentrating your mind on the needs of the newborn. It definitely passes.

Huuuge adjustment period for the whole family. As everybody says, the older child will be at a disadvantage. And usually not showing their best side at this time. It will pass.

I was exactly the same 16 years ago. DS1 almost felt like a stranger after DS2 was born - I expected DS2 to seem really light and small but instead he seemed 'normal' and suddenly DS1 seemed enormous...

I think some mums find it easier to fall in love with the second child because the first one has taught them how to do it. I was besotted with DS2 and DS1 got in the way.

But yes, it does get better, it does sort itself out. One day you'll find that DD2 is being a complete pain and DD1 is going through a good as gold phase. Then they'll swap... and again... and so it goes on until they leave home (and probably beyond).

Definitely don't feel guilty because it's 100% normal!

You are not alone. I felt the same when ds was born (dd had just turned 3 at the time). Dd has always been a mummy's girl and after ds was born I found her very claustrophobic/irritating/all the things you say above. She went through a phase of running away from me in the supermarket and I really felt that, if I could have got away with it, I'd have left her there. As everyone else says, it does pass.

This is all so normal (I think!).

DS was a demanding baby. I had a tough birth and felt knocked for six afterwards, not helped by the fact that my MIL was over from the USA and wanted to be 'helpful' (ie. take DS off me at every opportunity/ criticise me for BF-ing & not weaning at 3 mths/everything basically! ). I did feel i bonded, but it was not the warm, fizzy feeling I had expected to feel. i found parenthood a steep learning curve and DS - although my darling PFB - has always been an extremely demanding and wearing child.

Fast forward 3 years. DD is born and she is an absolute angel baby. Sleeps well, feeds well, lovely and cuddly and smiley. DS is extremely jealous - and demanding because of it. I have spent the past 14 weeks battling my feelings of extreme annoyance and weariness with DS (while gushing over DD and just wanting to hold her and kiss her at every opportunity). I have felt desperately guilty about it all, but have been assured by...urm...practically everyone...that it is all normal and will settle down. So passing that advice on to you! let;s hope it;s true

judyA speaks sense.

hi, i felt the same when dc2 was first born with dc1 but it passed once i was feeling more myself as dc2 seemed so small and helpless in comparison and dc1 was so big (2.5yrs), active and exhausting to me after birth anyway! you are only 5 days in, please give it time and not think the worse.

mrsmattie, i hope you and practically everyone who's advised you is right and your feelings of extreme annoyance with ds will pass and not get worse as you're right your ds is becoming demanding because of jealousy of the attention you give to dd.

however i'm just not sure if your ds's behaviour is normal (or is yours as it seems you exercise obvious favouritsm) and will settle down, i feel for him as at 3 he's only little too. i hope you can find time and effort to bond with your ds so there is no guilt

sorry i don't mean to be horrible or upset you, i am only writing this as my mum favoured my sister since as long as i can remember she still does and i'm 38. i truly believe that the reason i've not been the happiest person growing up, has a lot to do with my lack of love and affection from my mum and favouritsm which has left it's mark... i'm now married with children of my own and slowly healing....

anyway that is only my opinion and if practically everyone tells you how you and ds are behaving is perfectly normal and it will settle then i'm sure you will ignore me!