Should the adult face the same consequences as the child?

[TheYearOfTheCat]

I need some objective advice here.

If your DH behaved badly towards your DD (as in being verbally abusive towards her), what should the consequences be?

If my DD had said the same thing (to anyone) that my DH said, she would have swiftly landed on the step and remained there for quite a while. He has really crossed a line.

My DD was gutted, and burst into tears, taking a long time to calm down. She said 'I think Daddy should sit on the step for saying that to me'.

I must admit, I agree. DH refused, saying that he is the adult, and therefore will not be sitting on any step. (Shame he couldn't have remembered he was the adult before being verbally abusive towards our DD ).

I really think he could have done so in jest, to show he was remorseful for his behaviour. However, I think by refusing to do so, he has:

1. Undermined the standards of behaviour we expect from the DC, as he has behaved badly and has been seen to do so with no consequences.

1. Undermined the established discipline system in the household, by refusing to go along with it.

However, part of me also sees some of his point. Should a family be a democracy, and by being seen to be remorseful, does it undermine your authority as a parent?

It does not help that he is somehow trying to blame me for this, and doing his best to pick a fight. I am resolutely looking at the screen, saying my mantra - 'Do not react, do not react, do not react.'

I don't think adults should 'face consequences' like a child. Obviously ideally they should not behave like a child, but in event that something like this happens, I think he should apologise to your DD.

If it was said in the course of telling her off or something, it would be perfectly easy to apologise for the language used without undermining his position on whatever it was she may have done wrong.

Otherwise it's just illustrating that actually it's perfectly acceptable and normal to behave like that, and giving children no reason not to do the same.

what did he do?

I don't think adults should sit on the naughty step but I do think they should apologise to children when they've done something wrong as it models good behaviour and it makes it ok to make mistakes and make up for it

he needs to sit her down and apologise for the way he spoke explining why he got so cross but acknowledging he should not have used those words etc. kiss cuddle and make up.

i agree with Laurie.
well, we don't have a naughty step or anything like that anyway, and so I would expect the same as I expect from the children,

I would have probably said (when all had calmed down) that it was an unkind thing of Daddy to say, and I would have had a private word with daddy himself and suggested he apologise to dd

they're kids yes.. but first and foremost they're human beings and deserve to be treated with respectt.
if they aren;t then they won't have any respect for him.
I dunno, I try and look at things like this long-term, what do I want my child to learn from it?

in this case, I would want her to learn that people shouldn;t treat her like that, and that she could/should expect an apology. I would want to lead by example and show my children that I sometimes do things wrong too, but that I can step back and say sorry

Thing is, he wasn't telling her off - DD hadn't done anything wrong, she asked him a question and he launched into her.

He has been like that with me before, and I have warned him if he ever speaks to me in that fashion, our future is in question.

oh dear

have to say I would be fuming at that. but I guess best to talk to him a bit later when all is calm and children are sound asleep etc etc
sadly, if he won't admit he has done anything wrong then there isn't much chance of him apologising I suppose?

I also agree with Laurie and wrote a post aying something similar but lost it. I think an adult sitting on the naughty step (not that I particularly approve of naughty steps tbh) is a bit ridiculous imho.

The "established discipline system" surely doesn't apply to adults, or every time you or your dh did something "wrong" you'd be on the naughty step, even if dd wasn't around.

I do hope that he will be man enough to apologise to your dd, as he ought but I think wanting him to go through the motions of the naughty step might well come across as quite patronising and as though you are the mummy to both of them tbh.

I wont bite's advice is very good too.

Then he absolutely needs to apologise profusely, he can't think he's exempt from having to behaving like a normal civilised human being just because he's with his family.

If it's so serious that you feel your own future may be in question if he treats you the same way again, then it is entirely likely his future relationship with DD will be in question if he continues to treat her like that.

Sorry to be harsh, obviously you know how serious it is or isn't, but you see my point.

Just read the update, sorry: so it wasn't an over-reaction but an out of the blue strop? In that case he had better go to bed without any supper until he's stopped being so miserable!

Is he under a lot of stress?

Prehaps its best to go to relate and discuss his behaviour and your relationship. It is clearly wrong, but unless he understands his behaviour is unacceptable its impossible to get him to apologise.

It sounds like he is an emotionally abusive man. The adult consequences of such behaviour is that it can cost you your marriage and your relationship. You need to decide long term, what you both want and if he is likely to change.

If his behaviour continues he will damage your daughter. Surely your daughter needs to learn that both you and her are precious and deserve better.

Children have artifical punishments (like the naughty step) where as adults have to suffer the consequences of their mistakes.

Your DH should apologise profusely to your DD and it should never, ever happen again. As the adult, he should be in control of hsi emotions and be an example of good behaviour for his children.

Sitting on the naughty step would just be silly, though.

He should definately appologise and if not you should point out to your child that he behaved inappropriately.
How can you expect a child to behave when parents/adults are modelling bad behaviour?
At the very least she needs to know that sometimes grown ups make mistakes too.

probably a great opportunity to discuss why people sometimes behave badly and how to cope with it?

Your DH is in the wrong and needs to apologise. Being remorseful does not undermine your authority and teaches alot of important things.

Do people generally think it is a appropriate to put children on the naughty step for being rude?

He should apologise. This make me so mad. My DH does it too. It isn't OK just because he's an adult.

DD had some friends round on saturday and DH asked her to do something, she didn't at first and instead of just asking her again, he proceeded to step by step humiliate her and back her into a corner, and then demand an apology His excuse being that 'he's the adult and that has to count for something'. We had words. But I hate hate hate that! Rank-pulling of the worst kind .