AP types, what are your toddler tantrum policies???

[alittleteapot]

DD has just started really going for it on the tantrum front. We're pretty AP in our parenting style so far and it doesn't fit to just stand our ground each time whatever the problem so she learns she can't always get what she wants by screaming. But I also think creating boundaries at this time is really important to help children feel secure and that it IS important that she learns she can't always get what she wants by screaming.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm not into being a hippy who let's the kid get whatever it wants in a kind of extension of demand feeding etc that it needs as a baby, but I'm also not prepared to just say no because I say so without understanding why I'm saying so, and I"m finding it quite challenging working it all out.

So for example the other day we left the library and she was wearing a cardigan and bodywarmer. A few steps outside she spotted her other cardigan and wanted that on as well. I explained it was too cold to take everything off to put it on and she had a complete meltdown, at which point I thought - if I want my other cardigan on i can just put it on. she can't and why am i really saying no? because it's a palaver to put it on now. so i gave in. but was that because coping with her meltdown was even more difficult? Is there something in understanding no means no whether it's a well founded no or not because then your world is clear and safe? I guess it's the times i give in after protests that confuse me.

Have been a bit long and not very clear, but any words of wisdom to welcome me to the terrible twos would be welcome!

I know what you're getting at, I think. Not that I have all, or any of the answers!

I was (am) very AP with DS (now 3), and do believe that for tiny babies want and need are indistinguishable, but for toddlers that does change.

I agree that boundaries are safe, reassuring and necessary, and that you're right that changing your mind is the thing to be concerned about. I guess the most important thing I have learnt to do is to think twice before saying yes (or no) to toddler requests demands, I let him do lots of things that might make him cold or wet or whatever so he can figure out consequences for himself, and I totally agree that coping with meltdowns is hard, hard, hard.

Not a lot of useful stuff from me there, but bumping for you too!

Best words of wisdom i heard were "if they want something,ask yourself why not?-if you can think of a good reason eg you need your seatbelt on because its dangerous not to wear it.If you cant think of a good reason then its probably not worth the battle..."
HTH a bit

PS ,not sure what AP means to be honest ,thought it was Au Pair LOL

I haven't got to this stage yet myself - but just came to recommend the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"

Honestly? This probably won't give me any mummy points. But we used to give the boy a running commentary on his tantrums and laugh at him.

As is HUGE SCREAM "Boy, I don't think you quite got to the highest note there, could you try again please"? Even from early toddler stages he could tell we were not taking him seriously and soon gave it up.

Dunno whether it would work for everyone but it certainly did for us. Oh and a tantrum never ever worked for changing OUR behaviour in any situation. EVER.

I try to say "I know that you are feeling cross with mummy and I'm sorry about that but you still can't do x" or distracting or offering an alternative acceptable choice or allowing her to tantrum until she is worn out and offering comfort at 30sec intervals or so and then pretending it never happened.
Sometimes if I lie on the floor and copy her then she realises that I think she's being silly and stops.

I try to give explanations and be poilte to her but sometimes this is very hard. Running off is the bit of dd's behviour that I struggle with most and this makes it hard for me to stay calm and behave towards her as I would like to.

LaDiDaDi, I find I'm getting somewhere too with saying sorry when there isn't a choice (e.g. she desperately wants a shopping cart but I'm already pushing a pushchair). She's started saying it to me, too, on occasion (sometimes for the tiniest of offences ) so maybe it's going in.

Bonnycat, thanks for laying out those words of wisdom like that. Too often I find myself saying no and then thinking - why did I say that? Not that I'm saying no for no reason at all, but I'm not saying it for a good enough reason, if you see what I mean.

Thanks everyone for all your useful ideas. I've been thinking about it alot today and realise it's just about organising your own ideas about things so you're at least a little bit prepared about how you're going to deal with things in advance, and anticipating sparking points.

Also, as Bonnycat says, giving yourself a beat to think "why am I saying no" and assess if it's a good reason and one you will standby and would make you have the same response consistently.

For me it's really about learning to decide on the spot where I stand and then learn to stick with it. Not always always - sometimes they can win i guess - part of learning to negotiate - but just i'm so aware of how important consistency is and it's just being a bit clearer myself about what my rules are and then sticking to them.