I can't stand it anymore

[WinkyWinkola]

My DS (4 next month) is the most objectionable, contrary, tantrumy, hostile child. But only at home. To everyone else outside the home, he's an angel with his excuse me's, please and thank you.

Yes, I know small children can be difficult but he is extreme. Everything is a problem to him.

For example, this morning, he flew into a rage because the honey he'd poured into his porridge melted. That was the first rage of the day. The next was because I'd asked him to tidy up his Tumblin' Monkeys game that he'd been playing nicely with. Then the next rage came when I asked him to get out of the bath. The next one when I said he couldn't have chocolate mousse because he'd not eaten his lunch. So that's four rages before 12.15pm. He was then sent to his room because he poked his sister in his eye.

His rages consist of him screaming and yelling and shouting, kicking and lashing out.

Is this normal? Is it really? Because I am not equipped to deal with this constant exhausting drain on me. It's been like this for two years now. I've tried talking to him. I've tried rewarding good behaviour with lots of praise and chocolate. I've tried shouting at him. I've put him in his room. I've put him on the step. I've taken away toys. I've taken away bedtime stories. Nothing seems to work in the long run. Thirty minutes later, something else causes him to kick off.

He starts school in September and currently goes to nursery for three sessions a week. I take him to swimming, mini gym, football and the zoo and the park each week to tire him out. He gets tired but he's a bad sleeper - so tense with nightmares and grinding teeth. He comes into my bed every night (which I don't mind - they're lovely when they're asleep) for hugs and to sleep there.

I am six weeks pg and this morning, after his first rage, had to have a little cry at the prospect of a whole day with this child. Wtf is wrong with him? Why is everything a cause for such rage? I'm worried that he's going to turn out with real mental problems because he is calm one minute and then an utter maelstrom of fury the next throughout the day.

This too will pass? Well, two years is a very long time to have been walking on eggshells. It's a big strain.

Even if you have no advice, thanks for reading this. It's helped to get it out because in RL, nobody seems to believe me and DH when we say how tense these rages make us feel.

Don't know if this has been mentioned but I think they get a burst of testosterone at 4 so that could be exacerbating his 'wilfulness'.
My DS2 is just 3 and has days where he rages up to 10 times a day. These are interspersed with weeks of loveliness and a more normal number of strops.
I can link it to a few things usually

1. tiredness and/or hunger always sets him off into head banging mode.
2. Illness. He has phases of teething pain as he still hasn't got the big back ones yet.
3. Being a cantankerous little git

I try to hang on to the times when he is lovely. As he is fab and funny and gorgeous when at his best. However, he has always shown the potential for anger. He used to bang his head on the floor and walls before he could walk

Also he is much, much worse if I am angry, stressed or snappy.

Rest assured you are in good company!!!
I'm going with the 'tis a phase' theory until someone tells me different.

I feel your pain though, to be shouted at and told to shut up/go away in such an angry manner is gutting. (Locking myself in the bathroom for a good sweary mutter and a cry helps!)
Hang in there!!!

Answering this from a different perspective - my Mum said I was exactly like this as a child. She said I would tantrum over things such as "soap being on the wrong side of the bath" or "not being allowed to tear a letter" (from her 1979 diary).

She said her tactic was to ignore me, and go into the garden and scream. She would also just walk away and leave me if I was tantrumming in a supermarket.

On one occasion she tipped my dinner over my head as I refused to eat it. One it got thrown out for the birds. I ate it off the patio...

I was also a lovely little thing outside of the home!

I did get better, as I got older and able to explain what the problem was - although I am still an opinionated and argumentative thing and it is part of my character (I am a lawyer though, so now get paid to be argumentative and opinionated).

I don't have mental problems though!

When my Ds was 3 + I discovered thatt chocolate made him aggresive. I cut it out and he was much better. I'm not saying that chocolate is your Ds's problem, but diet can play a role in behaviour. It may be worth looking at what he eats etc.

Another book I can really recommend is Parenting the Strong-Willed Child: The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two- to Six-Year-Olds. It's definitely helped me -- in the first place, I blush to admit, by showing me how little time I spent really listening to and paying attention to DS. I thought I was paying attention to him, but when I actually looked at the types of interactions we were having (rather than the amount of time we spent having them) it was a bit crap . Just starting to fix that (week 1 of the program) made a big difference in itself.

PortandLemon, I'm going to get that book. Thank you for the tip.

OzzieGirly, can you actually remember why you were so shirty all the time? Was it that you simply wanted to be in charge of what went on around you?

Glorious morning. DS is at nursery. Not without a screaming fit because we wouldn't carry him down the stairs as we were all seated having breakfast.

Just a thought, but in terms of the teeth-grinding and nightmares, have you thought about cranial osteopathy or a similar kind of 'hands-on' therapy? Something to calm him down rather than wear him out maybe?

Or is there a particular activity you could do, just the two of you, to help you bond better?

I was going to say that rockin - my son's had the control freak mania too, and bad sleeping most definitely makes it worse. Cranial osteopathy's worth a try definitely.

Mine is coming up to 4 and does this too. He can be lovely and sweet and chatty, but then goes into an absolute screaming fit about something SO inconsequential, like daddy has opened the new cornflakes packet when he wanted to (didn't TELL us that of course!), etc etc.

I have some suggestions for you that sometimes work with DS - not always! - but they might give you something to try:

DS can often be calmed down by talking about his feelings eg instead of just shouting or telling him to calm down, I say "you are so upset about this aren't you?" and he says yes, and then cheers up. (Sometimes!)

Humour can help (I know you don't feel like it!) eg "Oh no, all these tears are going to make the cornflakes all soggy, I won't be able to have any breakfast, what a disaster!" if we can make him laugh, it often heads it off at the pass (works best if we catch the tantrum in the earliest stages)

Distraction can work, I matter-of-factly say something like "Oh dear, I was just going to go outside and spray the garden(/insert other thrilling activity here) and I hoped you would help me but you're too busy having a strop, never mind I'll just do it myself".

I've had success with all these but then again also many times when nothing works and you really have my sympathy - I really know that "Oh FFS don't start" feeling. I believe you!

He's had cranial osteopathy. He had six sessions when he was nearly 3 and the CO said he didn't need more.

Actually it didn't work on my son either, but still I thought it worth saying as it does help a lot of people. School will help you know, so there's a light on the horizone - though be warned, as when they start they're even more tired and so even more tyrannical. If you're aware of that though somehow it makes things easier..

That book looks good PortandLemon, I've read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and it didn't really help much, but I'm willing to try anything!

I think the best approach with my ds is to try and turn everything into a game, but it's hard to be inventive and funny when your very near the end of your tether.

I really must stop being so shouty, I think my dcs are so used to it now they've switched off to it

I agree with nontoxic: a change of tack really turned things around for us. I learnt to rise above my immediate angry feelings of 'how dare you treat me like a slave' and played along whenever I could. I picked things up that he'd deliberately dropped, moved his cup one inch to the right, carried him distances he'd be perfectly capable of walking etc. all the while taking his lead and acting as though a world-class crisis was occuring (ie, empathising with him despite how ridiculous his concerns seem). It seemed to diffuse the tension a lot and it meant that the melt-downs passed a lot more quickly.

Like someone said, no less energy-consuming/insane-making than all the other approaches, but it left me feeling a bit more at ease somehow (when I collapsed in a heap with my G&T/chocolate at the end of each day).

It's so bloomin tough though isn't it. Remember that nothing lasts forever and give yourself a big pat on the back and lots of love!

Awful afternoon. After football, S bit me, kicked me and scratched me all because I gave his backpack to his sister to carry after he'd said he didn't want to carry it.

I feel so desperate. I can't manage him. He just does what he wants and becomes a nutter if he doesn't get his own way.

I think if you are feeling this desperate then you need to go and talk to your GP re a referral to a paediatrician, and for any help that you might need.

Two years is a very long time to be dealing with this level of bad behaviour and you must be just over-whelmed with it all. It could be just a blip and he will be sunshine and smiles by the time he's 5, it could be that he has behavioural issues he and you need extra help with. Maybe keep a diary for a few days, logging all the tantrums, before you go so it can't be dismissed easily.

Winky what does he say if you try and sit him down and talk to him about it? I don't mean when he's being foul, I mean after when he's calm. Maybe agreeing what's acceptable and what's not and letting him have a say in that might work. it does seem to all be about power from what you say.